Friday, October 21, 2005

Allow me to re-introduce myself, My name is...


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The Unconquerable Soul

"Like the phoenix out of the ashes you are reborn. Life is wonderful and change always brings something entirely new." ~Stone, funeral remarks of Smilingdl

It's been almost three months since the death of Smilingonthedl. Since then, I have experience some life learned lessons. The world is now viewed with a new set of eyes. A change has come!


Out of the night that covers me
Black as the Pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods maybe
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishment the scroll
I am the Master of my fate
I am the Captain of my soul.

I am The Unconquerable Soul (launching Oct. 21st)

Monday, August 01, 2005

The Death of SmilingontheDL

Dear Friends,

First, I would like to thank you for all of the comments, advice and much needed compliments since the beginning of SmilingontheDL. You all have made me feel special. There were many moments that I posted on disturbing life experiences and you all were there; reading and assisting me through it.

SmilingontheDL started when I was going crazy. I needed a place to vent about all of my life’s uncertainties especially in regards to sexuality. At the time, I was alone in my battle with myself in determining where the G-Life would fit in my life. I had many escapades of self-hate, loneliness and lack of self worth.

Since the establishment of this blog, I HAVE COME OUT TO MYSELF. This was truly a blessing in disguise. As I started going to Church last January, my relationship with God has become intimate. If you know like I know, my God’s love is everlasting and has healed my self-inflicted hate, abuse and fear.

It seemed like my show was playing the same episodes (like they say, same shyt different day.) Blaming the world for every thing that went wrong in my life. I cried and yelled with my “why me” syndrome. Only to find out “its not about me.” I forgave many people in my life… took negative experiences with a grain of salt… learned how to relax, relate and release. Basically, I stopped BITCHIN. (Now, I call it testifying, lol)

Sure I have shared relapses; I’m human whose attempting to be stable. After rereading last year’s entries, I would probably have labeled myself “dysfunctional.” As I looked at the Man in the Mirror this morning, I tried to look beyond my eyes. I saw the many experiences that I overcame. I saw that my community needs me to use my talents. I saw my potential. I saw my continual happiness for myself. I saw strength, courage and wisdom instead of fear, hatred and the invisible man. In fact, I saw a REAL MAN! This MAN has grown tremendously over the last year.

This past weekend, I had a phenomenal time with someone special whose four day life exposure gave me reassuring thoughts that “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you going to get,” but with determination and confidence anything is possible. This person has inspired many thoughts of happiness.

It has been great entering the lives of many great people through their blogs. It is one of the most consistent things over the past year that I truly enjoy. To everyone I have had the opportunity to meet within the last couple of months.. THANK YOU! To all of the old school bloggers that I read… THANK YOU… To all the new and upcoming stars of the Blog World… THANK YOU!

En Vogue sang “Free your mind and the rest will follow.” My mind has experienced being freed. This taste has me feening for more. And I have one definite conclusion: to end the life of SmilingontheDL, allowing myself to manifest into someone new.



Saturday, July 30, 2005

Beware of Reincarnation

Though one should conquer a thousand times a thousand men in battle, he who conquers his own self, is the greatest of all conquerors!

~ Gautama Buddha


"Whatever you do, you need courage.
Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you you are wrong.
There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right.
To map out a course of action and follow it to the end,
requires some of the same courage which a soldier needs.
Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men to win them."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson


Beware of Reincarnation II

There is no failure for the man who realizes his power, who never knows when he is beaten; there is no failure for the determined endeavor; the unconquerable will. There is no failure for the man who gets up every time he falls, who rebounds like a rubber ball, who persists when everyone else gives up, who pushes on when everyone else turns back.
~Orison Swett Marden



From the estate of SmilingontheDL (lost documents found after his death):

Last summer, I was a Luke and Leroy’s groupie.

Keith Boykin’s website announced that his partner was switching a professional after-work gathering from Bardos to Lukes. I attended the Launch Party and found myself on Seventh Ave for the next eight weeks in a row. (YES, a true groupie. I even had Keith sign my copy of One More River to Cross. I’m such a dork.)

I later noticed that a closed friend of mine, X boyfriend was also a frequent attendee. (He was there when my friend took me to my first G-Life Club. Y’all remember Brooklyn Cafe. I almost fainted. LOL). Every Thursday, for at least a half hour, the X and I would cut a rug on the second floor. One day in June, we were wildin out and this young boy came between us and started freaking us both. I thought to myself, “Why is this little boy at Lukes?” After that occasion, I began to see the young man’s friends more often.

Fast Forward.

In March 2005, when I saw his photo on Steven’s Blog, I couldn’t remember where I knew him. After seeing the picture on e-mails and blogs multiple times, I suddenly felt sick because I remembered this young man’s smile when we were dancing last summer.

I was frustrated! I was sad! I was confused! I was mad! I was GUILITY! The brutal murder and dismemberment of this 19-year old black man was and still is APPALLING.

The Post from Larry and Troy inspired me to get my eyes off of the computer screen and assist physically with the Rashawn Brazell Collective. I don’t think I was ready for the meeting. Up until then, I never had been in a room of Black G-Life men outside the club. So, I traveled to the POCC office. Luckily, the first person I saw was Frank and he gave me a surprised and welcoming smile. I also noticed Larry and Merv.

The meeting was serious! Lots of arguing and folks going on and on! However, that initial meeting was filled with an unbelievable amount of passion. I honestly wanted to cry from the sight of being around a group of successful black SGL men, who came together for Rashawn Brazell.

After attending a sub-committee meeting, I found out I wasn’t ready to take on this fight publicly. I even wrote a long post about it, but didn’t post because I felt most of my readers wouldn’t understand the agony I was putting myself through. I believe I’ve assisted with the Collective’s endeavors by coordinating a series of Stop the Violence events in my local community.

The Rashawn Brazell Collective fight continues.

It continues with all of us. We know his story. We must continue to share it with our peers, with the effort to eradicate violence and social injustices. On Sunday, August 28 at Luke and Leroy’s, the Rashawn Brazell Memorial Scholarship is hosting its official Launch Party. Please come out and support. Today is a Bright Day! The love we have for our dearly departed Brother will be filled all over Luke and Leroy’s. If you have more than $10, give some more. This scholarship will help another G-Life member become an advocate for you and I.

I AM Rashawn Brazell! Well, I could have been and so could you!

Because of who You are

Because of who You are, I give you glory
Because of who You are, I give you praise
Because of who You are, I will lift my voice and say
Lord I worship You, because of who you are
Lord I worship You, because of who you are

Jehovah Jireh, my Provider
Jehovah Nissi, Lord you reign in victory
Jehovah Shalom, my Prince of Peace
And I worship You, because of who You are

From... The Upside of Anger

Anger and Resentment
Can stop you in your tracks
That's what I know, now
It needs, nothing to burn,
But the Air & the Life
That it swallows and smothers

It's real, though
The fury,
even when it isn't.
It can change you..
Turn you...
Mold you & shape you into someone you're not.

The only Upside to Anger, then
Is the person you become...
Hopefully, someone that wakes up one day
And realizes they're not afraid of its journey.

Someone that knows that the truth is, at best,
A partically told story.
That Anger, like growth,
Comes in sports & fits
And in its wake,
Leaves a new chance at acceptance
And the promise of calm

Then again what do I know

I'm coming back soon! EMO BRO, I'm not teasing!

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Black Gays & Church Leaders Unite to End Violence

I know this is going to be an AWESOME EVENT. If you have some time and in the area come out and support!

What: REVIVAL!: Victory Over Spiritual Violence Through Grace

When: Sunday, July 31, 2005 – 4:00pm-7:00pm

Where: Riverside Church, 490 Riverside Drive (bet 120th & 122nd Sts), Harlem, NY 10027

Who: Guest Speakers include: Manhattan Borough President C. Virginia Fields, Arun Gandhi, M.K. Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence; Krishna Stone, GMHC; Robert Miller, SUNY Albany; Reverend Valerie Holly, Unity Fellowship Church; Bishop Carlton Pearson, Higher Dimensions Family Church; Reverend Cari Jackson, The Center of Spiritual Light; Elder Joseph Tolton, Christ Conscious Ministries; and Reverend Sylvia Rhue, National Black Justice Coalition. Music by Lavender Light Choir and Da’rrell Belton.

Why: To challenge Black ministers to end homophobic rhetoric and join the fight to end violence.

New York, NY – After four murders of Black gay men and the attack on Dwan Prince which left him in a coma, Black gay community leaders hold a REVIVAL! to denounce homophobia from Black ministers, and challenge them to become more proactive in ending violence against Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender people in the Black community.

“The Black gay community is in a state of emergency. We need our ministers to stand with us to end the violence,” says Tokes Osubu, Executive Director of Gay Men of African Descent, one of the event’s sponsors. “Ministers should know that when they preach hate against gays on Sunday, someone will be bashed or murdered on Monday.”

A recent report issued by The Anti-Violence Project shows that violent attacks against the LGBT community increased 25% over the last two years. This year, four gruesome murders of members of Black gay men have occurred including Rashawn Brazell, Marvin Paige, Kenmoore Thomas, and Jamal James.

“Historically the deciding factor in social justice movements is the spiritual energy that fuels them,” says Elder Joseph W. Tolton of Christian Conscious Ministries, and the event’s keynote speaker. “This revival meeting which is stirring in the hearts of our lay people is a decisive indicator that the civil rights struggle for gays and lesbians is evolving into a movement rooted in Christian principles that will guide us toward the realization of Dr. King’s Beloved Community.”

REVIVAL! is the first event in a campaign targeted to end violence against gays in the Black Community.

CONTACT: Kenyon Farrow, New York State Black Gay Network, 917.627.0853

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The Trent Jackson Exclusive

Some bloggers will always hate TRENT JACKSON. Some bloggers will always love TRENT JACKSON. But, most bloggers/readers will never know the REAL TRENT JACKSON.

When he first appeared on the scene, I wondered who was this secure big boy who posted so many pictures of himself. At the age 22, this young black brotha published his first novel. He challenged many people to think with post on mentorship or telling the story of the fat boy blues. He blogged about his strength and his goals for unity amongst us.

But, Trent always seems to know how to push the right buttons. Calling people out... left and right.. (but, y'all are scared to comment back on his page, unlike Frank) You really can't hate on this brother because he is secure enough to speak his mind. Although, I may disagree with the way he does some things, he has a true unlimited potential to becoming one of our beloved figures in the Black community. Once Trent learns some more life long lessons he will be unstoppable. He's young, fun and dumb filled with cum. He's TRENT JACKSON!

Smiling: Earlier I dubbed for you, the black gay Wendy Williams... How do you feel about that?

Trent: It is what it is. Part of me loves it and part of that name doesn't describe who I am at all

Smiling: What part of the name doesn't describe you?

Trent: Well by nature I am not a messy person. I love people and I am really quiet and reserved...And I'm very friendly...but I like it because I always like to follow the model of anyone who is successful. The Trent Jackson persona is all that it really is...a persona

Smiling : Why do you have a need to give yourself a persona?

Trent: I don't. It just makes the package more attractive. I can be myself and command the attention of a room-but Trent Jackson just adds edge to who I am. And people love edge. I love edge. I love being Trent Jackson. And it's also shields who I am.

Smiling: Is the Trent Jackson persona only for your blog?

Trent: No...Trent Jackson is a full fledged image that you guys don't know about yet. I created him in college when I wrote my column for the paper at school and when I had a TV/Radio show...But you guys will get the full effect in a few months

Smiling : So, Trent Jackson isn't your name

Trent: no it isn't

Smiling: Wow, i didn't know that

Trent: I mentioned that on my one picked it up

Smiling: I don't think people believed you. Your constantly talking about keeping it real, who is the real you?

Trent: I don't think it's relevant for me to say my real name again. And I do keep it real. Trent Jackson is real! LOL...I am quiet, I am thoughtful, I like to give advice...I am the guy that is in club with a hat on in the corner watching everything go on...I am not the social person that you all get, unless I am at an event appearing as "Trent Jackson" I am really refined...I like me time. I am a lover...I am a lot of things... Mellow too...

Smiling: So, why does Trent Jackson have a blog, instead of ********?

Trent: Because the real me is on reserve for people who get to know the real me and my family, my close's confusing. Trent is me too...but there is a side that people don't see, that's private

Smiling: I haven't read your book yet. Tell me about it! Does calling it nonfiction give it justification?

Trent: My book is the story of so many people in the world. There is no classification of my book.... It's my life-period, but of course events and names have been changed to protect those who may sue me

Smiling: You often write about all the good feed back you get on your book - are all your reviews positive?

Trent: It talks about-what it's like to be gay, black, overweight- to not be on the DL...and to live your life against what everyone else wants you to be...and I've just started getting negative feedback which is interesting to me.

Smiling: Have you always been a big boy?

Trent: No, I started gaining weight around the 6th grade, which is around the time I started to hit puberty...and plus I was internally dealing with being molested. So, I guess that's a yes! I've been overweight all my teenage and adult life

Smiling: Are you still dealing with issues involving being molested?

Trent: No, I got over that a few years ago...

Smiling: Is the molester still involved in your life?

Trent: No, he's been out of my life since I was 14

Smiling: I really enjoy your interviews - which interview did you enjoy the most?

Trent: It's hard. I enjoyed the second interview with No4real...and I enjoyed the interview with ShawnQT

Smiling: You follow these peoples blog, did anyone come at you with something that you never would have thought?

Trent: No, I always stay prepared and ahead of the game and plus stuff they talk about I been there, done that, and got a T-shirt

Smiling: You really bring the heat. It seemed like your comments are always in the double digits. Recently, there has been a recent decrease in comments... What do you feel has contributed to this because I know people are still reading you blog?

Trent: Um...I really don't know. I care to know what people are thinking...but I get a lot of side emails from people that read my blog that make up for the public comments...and silent readers are kinda scary because they pop up out of no where sometimes...and my blog its a lot to take in-and then some of the stuff I say doesn't always warrant comments.

Smiling: On your blog, you constantly thank those who comment as well as people in your life and blog friends. That is great! But, you also will blast someone that disagrees with you after promoting unity. Isn't that a contradiction?

Trent: No, I am not a contradiction...who are you referring to?

Smiling: Well you recently exposed someone you don't like. Explain the situation, (I rather not use names)

Trent: Thank you for being patient...he is a wonderful guy-he's nice! I'm just concerned about his behavior (sexually) and his HIV status...and if people that were around him that were truly concerned about him, they would try and talk to him about his behavior...
I have a problem with people who sit back and watch other deteriorate

Smiling: But, why did this have to be displayed on your blog, rather than e-mail or an aim conversation?

Trent: Well, I think it is an issue that needs to be addressed as a whole

Smiling: Hmmm... wouldn't you take offense if someone tried to tell you want to do?

Trent: No....I would want to know why they did it. I like to debate... but let me clean it up a little. I wrote him a letter expressing my concern for him and he didn't respond....

Smiling: Isn't that his business? You didn't explain the situation, you just linked his blog

Trent: I did that to make him come and ask me what the problem was... and further more it's his business but he puts it publicly on his blog so now everyone is included.

Smiling: Moving on, Introducing Alexander found out that I was interviewing you and e-mailed me. Tell us the deal with him?

Trent: What… lol…no he didn't.

Smiling: Yes, he did.

Trent: shut up, lol… You're starting shit.

Smiling: I was quite surprised?

Trent: What did he say?

Smiling: He said you made him post comments on your blog.

Trent: Lol, isn't true

Smiling: I'm just kidding... He didn't e-mail me, It has been speculated that you made him up to create a buzz.

Trent: Never… Not true… It would have been clever of me...but it's not true.

Smiling: How can I know for sure?

Trent: I don't know would you like his number?

Smiling: Yes!

Trent: Like I'm really gonna give it to you?

Smiling: Hey, you offered.

Trent: lol. I'm pretty sure people have come to their conclusions about that...but if you are going to be in ATL he's gonna be with me so that will end that rumor... I've gotten close with a few bloggers.

Smiling: Clutch the pearls (thanks clay), Alexander is coming to ATL… let me find out.

Trent: Well he will be there.

Smiling: Besides Fred Smith do you have any other blogger friends that you know

Trent: No, the others are on the east coast. So when I visit I will be making my first meet with a few people.

Smiling: So are they gonna meet Trent Jackson or the real you?

Trent: No, I talk to most of them by phone so they can distinguish the difference between the two. Would like to speak with me on the phone?

So, I ended up speaking with Trent for nearly two hours. I wasn’t expecting his calm behavior on the phone nor his willingness to seek suggestions on life. After our conversation, I knew he would be a friend until he fucks the shyt up. His impression of me must have been stellar because after our conversation he posted that I was his “Boyfriend in my head.” But I still had more questions …

Smiling: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Trent: I'll be at the 30 mark...the 10 year reunion has come and gone...I'll definitely have made my mark in some arena of entertainment. I want to be retired (maybe) with a spouse and maybe a teenage child or children. I want to be teaching high school and settled, mentally and spiritually. Have the support and love from my family-and have a talk show under my belt...if not holding down the number one spot on prime time talk...and of course doing power lunches and maintaining my blog.

Smiling: What is your solution to bring forth unity in the G-Life Community?

Trent: My solution for unity is honest dialogue. Without honest communication you can't achieve anything let’s start there.

Smiling: Where are you at Spiritually?

Trent: Hmm...I don't think I am anywhere spiritually. I've always been a person to have belief in God, and all of that. I am not one of these hyper-spiritual people. Not to say that is a good or bad thing...but I have a relationship with God and just like any relationship it could be better.

Smiling: From reading your blog, it seems as though you have a close relationship with your mother.

Trent: LOL, I never said that! That broad gets on my reserve nerve! We have a relationship. It could be a hell of a lot better. And the reality show that I am working on will expose so much...but she and I have been at battle for a grip-she like everyone else has issues that they need to deal with. Unfortunately she displaces her anger towards her children, and that can be a problem when I am your child if you get what I am saying. But as no4real said, "She's still yo momma"

Smiling: Do you feel that bloggers are justified to express concern with being
“called out” in Franks “I think your positive” post?

Trent: I think it's fair to say that we (meaning me, you, no4real, Valentino, divo, etc) didn't really feel called out. If you're intelligent enough to understand that Frank asked a question of us, you wouldn't have felt or gotten offended. It was those that were insecure or made the post personal that made the most fuss about it. Frank knows my opinion of that matter and I've said what I had to say about it, it's a wrap. The kids are messy and some of them just wast their time unnecessarily responding to what other people say, it wasn't that big of a deal and they should just brush it off like they do everything else. Not to say they shouldn't deal with the issue at hand.

Smiling: Is there a celebrity that you idolize, if so who?

Trent: I am a I idolize Janet. Her style, her longevity, her connection with her fans, her ability to not break under adversity, her support for the gay community, her support for her family...she loves hard and she's so real to me. She's the epitome of a Star...

I wonder if he knows he's being shaped into a Star!

A Smiling Production

Beautiful Surprise

I want to give Trent some more shine on my blog! So, I changed the time of this post. Its Wednesday, July 27th

Anyhow (hehehe inside joke)

Last Wednesday, I posted about how I renewed a lease on life. So many things are coming into place.

I swear to goodness, when your not "really" looking things start to come your way. Thank Ya!
Life is so crazy. I'm not going to go into it now, because I have a lot of work to do. (they are trying to kill me) But, I feel GREAT!

The first time I listened to Voyage to India (the last India.Arie album) I completely feel in love with most of the songs. One particular song stood out among the rest because it caught a moment that I only felt in my dream. Beautiful Surpise - WHOA! SERIOUS WORDS THAT I FEEL INSIDE MY SOUL!

It's like yesterday
I didn't even know your name
Now today You're always on my mind
I never could have predicted that I feel this way
You're beautiful surprise

Intoxicated every time I hear your voice
You've got me on a natural high
It's almost like I didn't even have a choice
You're beautiful surprise

Whatever it is you came to teach me
I am here to learn it cause
I believe that we're written in the stars
I don't know the future hopes
But I'm living in the moment
And I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are
You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You're beautiful surprise
You're inspiration to my life
You're the reason why I smile
You're beautiful surprise

I'm floating on that Cloud.. John Legend told us about.. (Who know about that?)

Monday, July 25, 2005


I wonder

Who would I be
If I could be just me

First, holding onto so much fear
Because my vision was unclear

Then, Looking at life with new eyes
Having to ask myself why

Why this
Why that
Where I’m at

Putting myself through the third degree
Breaking off self-inflicted shackles to be free

Only to discover my third eye
And it sees the obvious

I am me

Powered by Blogger

Site Meter