Pride vs Shame
Since the McGreevey announcement I discontinued going to any type of get down function. I stopped some relationships. I was ashamed. I am ashame. I keep thinking about what will happen to me if someone finds out. I am past the point that this is something that takes place in my life periodically. Unfortunately, I will always be attractive to men.
Avoiding this whole lifestyle takes a lot of work. You get to the point where you sit down and just think about why am I alone. Tonight, I am going out to a Crash with a few friends, these are the friends that I took a three-month break from. Brother, is looking for something and what I've been doing (cutting off my get down peeps), isn't helping at all. That's how I feel right now.
Last night, I felt completely different. I went to a huge event with New York’s' most prominent Black men. These men are role models to me. The Brothers were Doctors, Lawyers, Educators, Businessmen and Politicians, etc. The event was truly inspirational, because in their eyes, I seen mind. I thought, I could be one of these men getting an award in a couple of years. Giving a speech, praising my wife and kids for their support. As I get off the subway heading home, I think what I'm going to do.
After my shower, undress, I look in the mirror and ask, "who are you?." Most of the time, I can answer that question. My answer is not always the same. Sometimes I can see myself with the wife and stuff, while other times I can see myself in a two bedroom with a long-time room-mate/best friend and lover. Last night, I seen myself living the so called "American Dream" (wife, 2.5 kids and a picket fence).
Today, I see myself not doing what where my future takes me. Afraid that I will end up miserable because life is already harder being a black man, but for a black man that gets down it can get even harder. Yes, I know "without struggle there is no progress." I'm tired of struggling.
If I could find black men who are career determined and are on the da low, I would feel much better knowing that some other people are going through the same struggle.
At the club, I plan on enjoying myself and hope my roommate comes along.