Monday, November 29, 2004

I'm growing!

Up until April 2004, I have never hooked-up with anyone. It has been a little over two weeks since I've hooked up. I guess it came to a point where I messed with someone and later found out I messed with their roommate as well. I thought to myself... I need to slow down. Not that I fyck around.. but, I have been messing. Plus, its just not me or what I want, to mess with multiple people.

In this lifestyle, its soo easy to mess with people. I firmly believe if someone who looks decent, lol, wants to mess around everyday for a year with different people they can. That 30 mins, hour, a couple of hours of company, isn't satisfying to me. It definitely gives some comfort on my lonely days. After the roommate episode, the decision to reduce my sexual encounters was made.

For some who has a huge drive this can be a problem. Last Wednesday, I finally connected my internet at home. Since early August, I haven't been on the different websites like bp, adam, etc. So, I grew excited... (seriously, LOL.) I was hoping I would meet someone nice.. from a profile or a pic. I wasn't looking for a hook-up and I made that clear to everyone I spoke to (although thursday night after all that food, I was ready for some more sugar, lol)
I began chatting with a couple of men on Aol. They were all kewl. Usually, when someone apprears to be a normal person, I think to myself, this person has potential to be my lover. This time around, I thought, these guys would be great friends. One Saturday Night, someone invited themself over, which was ok with me because I was going to be home alone. He was attractive, we talked for over 5 hours straight. After letting him out, I knew I've made kewl brotha that I would remain in contact with.
On Sunday, this other dude that I had been chatting on the phone with since friday, called and asked to chill. As this guy walked up my stairs, I told myself SELF-CONTROL. Brotha was bangin. Off Da Chain. Very Handsome and Educated. Only thing, brotha didn't have a J.O.B. or a CAR. If its not one things, its another. We had an awesome afternoon, talking and watching a couple episodes of law and order. I felt like he wanted me to make a move, but I did not. I kept that Monica song in my head, "I should make a move but I won't... I don't get down on the first night." That was real self-control, lol.
"Woke up this morning, Smile on my Face." And ask myself in the mirror, Why are you smiling this morning? "Is it the way you love me.?"

Loving yourself brings true happiness. I'm growing the love that I have for myself. I alway thought I love myself. But, right now I love the good and the bad. Everything happens for a reason. So this smile is because "I LOVE ME!"

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

I'm not beat!

The period of self-mourning is finally over. Twice a year, I go through a period of loneliness. Guess what? I'm not beat.

I'm not beat for anyone. I'm not beat for this lifestyle or any other negative thing that comes my way. Tough times don’t last… tough people do. It has come to the point when I now realize that I really need some more friends. Usually, when I'm with my str8 friends I don't think my loneliness.

I desire friends that are consistent, on the low and career driven. People to bug out with. True friendship. For a young black man who gets down there aren't many outlets to meet these men. You have the internet, chat line or the damn club. These are all vehicles where men give off the façade of being someone that they are not. Most of the people that I have met are full of shyt, disloyal and heartless.

I'm not beat. With or without these desired friends, I will continue to do the damn thing. Unfortunately, I will not have anyone to share it with. But, I'm not beat.

I have to tell myself this else it will deteriorate my hallow heart.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Mood Swings

I didn't have a great time at the club Friday night. Krash has a mix crowd, although predominately Hispanic. I felt lonely and self-conscious. In the middle of the dance floor I wanted to cry. Maybe I am just a big baby, lol. But, I continued to put that smile on my face, attempting to avoid my self-doubt.

When I returned home around 4:30am, I was taking a shyt (yeah, that's tmi, lol) and decided to get on the local chat line. Immediately, I began talking one-on-one with someone who lives nearby. This guy has many of the qualities that I desire in a lover. As we start chatting, we are very similar to each other. I was knowledgeable about his career, the areas that he's live in addition to several organization we both belong to. My kool-aid smile was ghetto sweet. It’s amazing how I quickly change how I felt from my recent club experience.

We talked a couple times on Saturday and Sunday, until he came over yesterday afternoon. We talked and watched moves for a couple of hours and didn't do anything sexual. I was extremely fulfilled. When he left told most of my close friends about him. I didn't want to get too excited, because it "all falls down." The feeling of having someone to pursue in my life is great, even if its for a day or two. He made it clear that he wanted to meet again soon.

Hopefully this would be someone I can grow with. I don't want to be the one to only hold him, like Noah from Noah's Ark, I need to let go and be held. Cry out all of my uncertainties. I am a strong black man who’s tired of smiling.

Shyt, I’m waiting to exhale.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Pride vs. Shame

Pride vs Shame

Since the McGreevey announcement I discontinued going to any type of get down function. I stopped some relationships. I was ashamed. I am ashame. I keep thinking about what will happen to me if someone finds out. I am past the point that this is something that takes place in my life periodically. Unfortunately, I will always be attractive to men.

Avoiding this whole lifestyle takes a lot of work. You get to the point where you sit down and just think about why am I alone. Tonight, I am going out to a Crash with a few friends, these are the friends that I took a three-month break from. Brother, is looking for something and what I've been doing (cutting off my get down peeps), isn't helping at all. That's how I feel right now.

Last night, I felt completely different. I went to a huge event with New York’s' most prominent Black men. These men are role models to me. The Brothers were Doctors, Lawyers, Educators, Businessmen and Politicians, etc. The event was truly inspirational, because in their eyes, I seen mind. I thought, I could be one of these men getting an award in a couple of years. Giving a speech, praising my wife and kids for their support. As I get off the subway heading home, I think what I'm going to do.

After my shower, undress, I look in the mirror and ask, "who are you?." Most of the time, I can answer that question. My answer is not always the same. Sometimes I can see myself with the wife and stuff, while other times I can see myself in a two bedroom with a long-time room-mate/best friend and lover. Last night, I seen myself living the so called "American Dream" (wife, 2.5 kids and a picket fence).

Today, I see myself not doing what where my future takes me. Afraid that I will end up miserable because life is already harder being a black man, but for a black man that gets down it can get even harder. Yes, I know "without struggle there is no progress." I'm tired of struggling.

If I could find black men who are career determined and are on the da low, I would feel much better knowing that some other people are going through the same struggle.

At the club, I plan on enjoying myself and hope my roommate comes along.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

That McGreevey Shyt

That McGreevey Shyt fucked me up.

My summer went well, filled with many new experiences, LOL. Over the course of the summer, I had gain many friends that are in the lifestyle. I went to get down house parties, clubs and small events.

After the resignation of Gov McGreevey, I slowed down. Being publicly gay and in office doesn't often work together on the National or State level. Most men that acknowledge that they are gay become very hesitant in seeking elected office, as did Keith Boykin had elected political ambitions. As I continue to grow, I realize that being apart of this lifestyle will never change. I get down and there is no denying that. But, am I wrong for not wanting anyone in my business.

This Fall, I finally moved out on my own. Having so much free time, I began to reevaluate my life. At this point, I am reclaiming my spirit.

I continue to be single and doing the damn thing. There are moments where I do feel lonely, but for the most part I am keeping my eyes forward, moving steadily and smiling on the DL.

Powered by Blogger

Site Meter