Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Love you, Granddad!

Monday was a long and hectic day. The items I picked out on Sunday, I put the clothes on hold because my boy worked all day. I get to the store on Monday and my clothes are no where to be found. Long story short, after two hours of picking out something else and trying it on, they found my clothes. I was happy and aggravated at the same time. My dad called a couple of times, but I didn't feel like talking to him.

Yesterday, I wake up at 6:30am, I listening to my messages. My dad says, "Call me, it's an emergency." I immediately call him. He doesn't pick up. I call him again. He doesn't pick up. I'm beginning to panic. So, I finally get through to him and informs me that my grandfather passed away last night. The first ten minutes, I was truly in disbelief. I started to thank god, and I began to weep. God is good, and I know my grand father is in a better place. I started to cry and reach out to God to give thanks. My father started to cry as well.

I called out of work. Tried to get myself together. Went to the store and bought lots of breakfast food. When I arrived to my grand dad house everyone was mourning. I went to straight to the back to give my condolences to his wife. I cooked the food that hardly anyone ate. I could not cry the entere day. Many people came to the house, I opened the door for practically everyone. Some walked in an cried, some smiled, some had this look like the wanted to say something but they couldn't get it out. Death is very weird.

My intermediate family has been bless with no lost since my grandma passed on while I was in kindergarten. I probably won't get worked up until the funeral.

My cousin and I started to bring up memories. My grandfather was cheap. Brother had money, anytime you can buy a Yukon with cash, you have something filling up the mattress. We recalled the time, he took us out to an all-you-can-eat restaurant and gave us these watches. I was thankful that he took the time out to take us some place without one of my aunts. I get home and look through the paper, the watches are the same one that comes free with a certain cologne. Next time I see him, he brings up the watch that he "bought for us." I ask him do he have the cologne to match and he laughs.

The last couple of weeks he had been sick. But, his death was unexpected and the Doctors have yet to inform us of the cause of death. The last time I seen him we spoke for nearly and hour about many things. I asked him many questions about the Masons (I'm looking into joining) because he received the highest degree. He gave me The Da Vinci Code to read. He told me how proud I made him. God is Good. And my Grandfather is with him.

Love you, Granddad!

Don't have time to review, but you know this blog is like therapy. I wanted to get it off my chess. So, don't mind the spelling or grammar errors. I recently purchase Keith Boykin newest book. I have to post something about it soon. Also, I have a long entry for new years, been working on it the base two weeks. God Speed!

Monday, December 27, 2004

Living My Life Like It's Golden

Christmas was Great. I spent the entire day with my mother, brother and sister. This Christmas was different because my siblings and I aren't kids anymore. We didn't have one argument. I thought they would wake up early and exchange gifts, but they waited for me. (Go Me, lol) We celebrate the birth of Christ on Christmas, but we also get gifts. I received everything that I wanted, like my PS2 and dvd/vcr combo.

My mom and I had a lengthy discussion on our personal growth. I AM SO PROUD OF MY MOM! She works and go to college full time. This sista takes my sister back and forth to work on a rotating schedule. Takes my 17-year-old brother to numerous colleges, dates and trips. And still manages to get a 3.4 gpa and have food on the table everyday. It amazing me how much strength Black women have. Like myself, there are times where my mom isn't the most confident person. I had to tell her, "It's all about you. Your children are practically grown and you must make time for yourself." After dinner, we had a little soul train line and singing time. I looked at my family and smiled.

One of my closest friend and I exchange gifts with a $50 spending limit. This brotha is my closest friend that knows about me. He bought me a pda that I always play with whenever I go to Best Buy. Like a punk, my eyes watered up. It wasn't because of the pda, this gift meant more than that. He took the time to find out what I wanted and didn't care that my gift was cheaper. Most of the time, I am the friend that usually goes overboard with being generous, thoughtful and considerate. I was wrapped up in the Christmas spirit and new gadgets to play with.

Yesterday, I spent lots of time in Mid-town Manhattan trying to spend my gift cards. Shopping Sunday was worse than Friday. I'm really not into shopping for myself at all (very picky). It seemed like everyone had gift cards or some holiday money to spend. I searched long and hard and finally found what I wanted with 40% off. I love a deal, LOL!

Saturday, December 25, 2004

This Christmas (Eve)

To many people wait till the last minute and shop during the holiday season. This year, I belong to this group, lol. I went to go see Oceans Twelve, which was great. I notice the man next to me, he looked very familiar. After a couple of glances, he seem to look like and older version of me. I asked myself, "when I'm in my 50s will I still go to the movies alone during the holidays?" I reply to myself, "maybe or maybe not." Because I enjoyed the movie. I enjoyed shopping by myself. Yesterday was a great day! I'm not sure what life will bring. In the words of the philosopher India.aire, "The only thing constant in this world is change."

Last night was my first Christmas Eve at my own apt. My first time not spending it with family. I thought I was a grown man and could spend the evening watching tv, wrapping gifts and sipping on some wine. What was my family doing without me, the entire night I thought of home. When I think of home, I think of a place, where there is soo many laughs and arguements.

Today, I WISH EVERYONE MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! I caught the Christmas Spirit overnight. I woke up this morning rush to my 18inch tree and opened a present from my boss. It was a orange scarf. I don't wear orange. Whocares its Christmas. LOL! I'm speed wrapped my gifts and waiting on my ride home. Yes! I viewed my blog and got some new comments. That made my morning. Thanks! (yes, i'm a self-proclaimed dork.) I'm excited! Well, gifts are great, but I get to be with my family. Although, they get on my damn nerves, I love them. Donny Hathaway is playing! God is good all of the time. All the time Good is good.

Stay Blessed!

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Everything is Everything

I get my hair cut every Thursday, during my lunch break. I have been working on growing a beard. Two weeks ago, my barber trimmed my beard into crooked side burns. I waited two weeks to get another shape-up. An hour ago, I told him what I wanted. This brotha, gives my facial hair a buzz cut. I'm a dark skinned brotha and buzzed facial hair is not noticeable. I really want a beard for this New Years Eve Party. I just needed to vent a lil.

However,

Tonight, John Legend is playing at SOBs. Brother Legend has potential to have a long-standing career. He has a lot of passion in his singing and on the piano. I found out he was the pianist on "Everything is Everything." (by L-boogie) His major label debut comes out next Tuesday, Dec. 28. Brother Legend is suspect, lol.

I haven't been out into a get down club in a while. My friends and I are considering going out to Sprung, but rumor has it the Octagon will be open tonight after the concert. I'm sure it will be a lot of people parting the next two weeks. I’m sure there will be many people visiting for the holidays. Not to mention college brothas from nyc, ct and jerzee returning home to see what they can get into.

I've been contemplating inviting my friend friend out. It’s the beginning and you don't want to go to fast or to slow. This is going to be a great weekend.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Pay It Forward.

Every year I set goal for the year. I have been working on my New Year's Eve post. It is very long, but I have many things that I want to get off my chest. This blog is my therapy. Gives me the opportunity to bitch.

Still sick and going work. Next year, there will be an upper management shuffle. A huge retirement package will be offered. And finally, we can get some young people hired in my office.

Kweisi Mfume resignation is still bothering me. Yesterday, President F ing Bush had a private meeting with Brother Mfume. I believe Mfume asked bush to lay off the NAACP IRS situation. (FYI: NAACP is under investigation because of a speech that bashed bush, delivered by Mfume during the NAACP Nat'l Convention. In order to be non-profit, tax-exempt organizations you muse remain non-partisan.) I'm sure Mfume wanted more policies to help empower our people. Bush probably replied with, "your people don't vote, why should I help you?" Mfume is one of the few leaders that has been through the every day hardship that our community lives. From growing up in poverty to dropping out of high school.

Working in politics since 96', I KNOW, VOTING HAS POWER. Our people are uneducated on how much government affects our everyday life. To many of us are; unemployed, hungry, homeless, living in poverty, illiterate, computer illiterate, and COLD, ect. Some black leaders that advocate for these people do not relate to these people. I do not hate on black people who come from an afluent background. Shyt, I wish I did. But, I want these black young people know there are many people that are less unfortunate.

Poverty is real. When you live from check to check. When you stop picking up the phone because it maybe a bill collector. When you don't have food to eat. Or the heat is off and you use your electric stove for heat. When you stand in line at a local church for food. When you drop out of high school to sell on the corner. When you search for a job and have 20 years experience and have to settle for minimum wage to support a family. When your 15 years old broke and pregnant, cause he said he loved you. When you have to stay on welfare and section 8, because if you get a minimum wage job is not cover everything. When you have been incarcerated and can't get a Second Chance.

This year, I helped raised some fund to buy things for the battered women’s shelter. For a couple months when I was 9, my family lived at this same shelter. We must give back. Little by little. Pay It Forward.

I'm very blessed. Everyone that will read this entry is blessed. Please pray this holiday season for those who are less fortunate. Lets pray for the Lord to provide them with strength, courage and wisdom. Lets pray as we cross to that golden shore that he will give us the power to carry many others on our backs.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

To be or not to be a

Dealing with this sexuality, comes in waves. There are moments when I'm feeling proud. While there are other times, when I am ashamed.

I grew up in an urban area. I always felt I was different. Throughout my whole life I have had leadership positions in numerous groups. From President of Student Government to State Youth Advocate of the Year. My life's goal was to be happy and make a difference in this world. I had my first sexual experience with a man at the age of 15. I didn't think anything of it. Until the end of my freshman year, my roommate started a relationship with a girl. We had a true friendship, but I liked him in a different way.

Blackplanet.com helped me deal with my sexuality issues. I developed two online relationship with men who were accomplished and "dl." They taught me how to accept my sexuality. They also informed me that there were many men that did get down that were successful and masculine. This reassured me that I wasn't the only one.

The summer of 2000, I learned a lot about Life. I developed a relationship with someone from the net. We didn't even meet and we were telling each other, "I love you." I thought with all my heart, I loved this dude. In the course of our three-month relationship, I was on cloud 9. Friends at home and school notice the difference. I spent many nights in my single room waiting for this dude to call me, cause I didn't have a cell. One day, I called his college door and someone answers the phone. The man told me to leave Danny alone and he was his boyfriend. I immediately sent him a note on bp, explaining how I felt. He quickly responded and told me it was true. I cried. Broken-hearted.

A couple months afterwards, we were best friends. Called each other everyday. Shared what our new experiences or new men in our life. He couldn't explain why he led me on. He told me he talked with many people from the net. We still had not met. I entered my sophomore year with four leadership positions and had to focus on school.During my sophomore year winter break, I returned home and went on my first date with a man. We went to Mars 2112 and to a movie. This also marks the first time I met anyone online. Before meeting him, I like him very much. We enjoyed a winter evening and I never called him again. I panic. I thought this was too much for me. That men should not go on date or have relationships. This is at the same time, that all I wanted was to hold a man and be held by a man. I felt bad that, but I kept it moving.

I chatted with many men from a cross the country. Young and old. Poor and rich. Lawyers and the unemployed. Greeks and high school drop outs. I realize that I wasn't the only one out there that lived this same life. I wasn't sexually active. I did absolutely nothing. Well, some phone fun, lol. And it was that moment on the Internet that I... forget it.

2001, a year that I began to accepted that fact I liked men. The company that I interned for gave me tickets to a concert. I invited one of my closest friends, Deborah. Afterwards, I drove her home and told her I had to tell her something. I could not say it, because I never said it aloud before. On a napkin I wrote, "bi" and she read it and asked what does this mean. And I gave her a look and she says, "I can't believe this, its ok with me. I still love you." She asked some detail questions, but I didn't respond. She was the first person I ever told and didn’t know how to react.

A month later, a college friend from a nearby school told me that he knew about me. This person, I always felt was messing around since freshman year. So, I told him I know he gets down. And our friendship became very close. He was my mentor/advisor. He knew everything that was going on in my life. Today, we aren't that close, but he is the sole person that I trust with all the negative things that I have gone through. Well, two weeks after our talked, he took me to my first get down club. We traveled over four hours to go to the Brooklyn cafe. On the line, I nearly cried and fainted. His boyfriend danced with me for a lil. I looked all over this club, and was like DAMN. All of these black and latino men. Masculine men. I felt relieved and insecure. It took me 16months to enter another get down club.This is getting kinda long.

So in 2002-2003 I met a couple of people. Had a few short-term relationships. Told no one, except the dl people that got down at school. Didn't do too much because I had many things going on with my organizations at school. I began to notice that my black men that held leadership positions at several schools nearby ALL WERE IN DA LIFE. Now I felt, it was ok to like men, just as long as no one str8 knew about it.

Since Bp, I have/had 4 strong friendship internet relationships. After four years of chatting, February of 2004, I met one of these men. We quickly became close friends. March, I had a break down in regards to my weight. I began to hit up the gym. I went to a get down club for the first time in 13 months. I enjoyed it. I never knew I was FAT. Seriously, I am very far from obese. I am attractive, but I did have a stomach. I started going more frequently.I began chatting with someone new, Walt in April. He was everything I wanted. We finally exchanged picks and we chatted less and less. When it came time to meet, he was always busy. I remember breaking down at the mall, and running out, because I was upset that he didn’t' like me because of my weight. I cried on the phone with a friend. Constantly asking him, "why?"

I'm a very determine person. I'm confident with many aspects of my life. But, when it comes to men, I don't know how to respond or feel. (at this time) After him, I spoke to my boy who took me to my first club. He told me you need to go out and meet people. If I chatted with someone from online, begin as friends. This was the best advice I could ever get.I started to lose weight.

Right now, I lost 54lbs and counting. I had a great summer. Had some flings. Promoted at work. Settled in my own place. Felt great about myself.

Keith Boykin has been featuring some of our young black educated men. A couple of weeks ago, he featured someone that I've chatted with online and on the phone. This person during his summer visit was supposed to stay with me. I freaked. I didn’t want an openly gay man to know me personally as a man who likes men.

When the McGreevy story hit, I totally freaked out. Stopped many relationships I have online and personally with people who knew about my sexuality. I have a couple of goals that I feel being openly gay can prevent me from obtaining them.

My family does not know about my sexuality. Nor do most of my close friends. So, I build a sector of my life with everything that dealt with my sexuality, which has spread in 2004 to every part of my life, including family and church.

I do not know what tomorrow brings, but the past has brought pain and joy. Today, I know about myself than every before. I have experience tremendous growth. Today, I am striving towards the man I ought to be.

But, I struggle. Struggle with the thoughts with being alone for the rest of my life. I struggle from the desire to be with a man for the rest of my life. I struggle to have a successful career in the public life while keeping my male relationships at home. I struggle with the thoughts of having kids that have my genes. I struggle because I am nervous when looking at the man in the mirror. I struggle because I am a single gay black man.

What about your friends?

Most of my close friends don't live near me. We see each other at least every other month. On the other hand, we speak nearly everyday on the telephone.

I'm the friend that always listens to friends’ problems and situation. My memory is on point; I always bring up things from the past that will help them with making decisions. I don’t' have many friends that do that for me. And the friend that did listen is upset with me.

Recently, one of these relationships has gone sour. This guy has been there for me, during many emotional times this year. He served as my confidant. I was able to tell him everything about what was going on with my life and he listened to me. (I'm adding a lot of point to him.)

A short time ago, he started a relationship. I am so happy for him. His relationship has given me hope that I can find someone as well.

Three weeks ago, I was in a shyty mood. Asking myself, "why are you alone?" So my friend calls and notices something is wrong. I explain to him what I'm feeling. After I'm done, he wants to tell me about how much he likes his "husband." I politely said, "can you tell me this tomorrow, I'm not feeling well?" So, he gives me a quick "aiight, bye." click.

Honestly, I didn't think I was wrong about not wanting to here it. I was really emotional and didn't want anyone to harp on his love joys. When I decided to post this situation on my blog. I realize that I was wrong. My boy really has been there on some of my low/high points of this year. I'm going to apologized for not wanting to hear his excitement on entering a new and beautiful relationship. Selfish, Selfish, Selfish!

He hasn't returned several of my phone calls since that night. I know he was upset because he listens to me BITCH all the damn time. Today, he calls me at work. Nonchalantly, we chatted. He mentions that everything was going well with him and vice versa. This causal conversation went on for 12minutes. I'm going to call him and tell him I was wrong.

This is exactly why I'm putting lots of energy for the people who love me, than the people who do not.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Hate being sick during holiday's

Unfortunately, I'm at work with a sore throat and stuffy nose. I'm trying to breathe. I went to go see Spanglish with my mother on Friday. Go see it!!! It's incredible!

For the most part, I spent the rest of the weekend at home. Surprisingly, I had a couple of visitors. We chilled and bugged out. Brotha was sick, but felt great after defeating everyone in Uno.

Saturday night, a profile on aol caught my intention. This person seemed very interesting, lets call him, Gary. We chatted online and I asked him to call me. The first five minutes we were mostly laughing. Gary told me he was out. That made me a little uneasy, but I was ok with it. This dude was kewl and had potential. Something told me to ask him about his HIV status. He paused. He informed me that four weeks ago, Gary was recently was diasnois as HIV positive. I was the first person that he told. WOW! Truthfully, my eyes watered up. Gary is a 24 year old black college educated man who has never had unprotected sex. He told me a condom bust during an hook-up and the person didn't tell him that he was positive. WELL I'LL BE DARN! Shyt is soo real.

Yesterday, I was telling a friend of mine who works as a public health analyst about how Gary contracted HIV. He told me that condoms are safe if they are being used properly. With websites like bp, adam or bgc its soo easy to hook up. It is sad when its almost 2005 and people are advertising some ass and anything goes. WTF! Then brothas talking about in the heat of the moment. As of now, we can not get each other pregrenant, lol. But, we most definitely can spread this deadly virus. My brothers, we don't have an ambortion for AIDS. Educated yourself on safe sex and how to use a condom. And working on having fun on the phone, dvds, tapes or cyper stuff. We miss out on potential relationships when we go on adam and hook up.

Stay strong!

Check out fobrothas.com Great Website. Very Educational.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Get out my mind

Baby father called yesterday around 10am. We were both cleaning up our apts and chatting on the phone. I was barely talking. He didn't mention standing me up on Wednesday. But, I went with the flow. Didn't want him to know, I wanted to see him. I told him, "I'll holla at you later." Click. He is getting on my nerves. I realize it may be best if we did not try to become friends.

He calls yesterday evening. Talking mad junk about me being to good for him to call him back. He tells me, I see how it is. This is what niggas do. Trying to act like the care, cause he wanted me to call. He tells me that his does most of the calling. (True!) I'm not trying to go out foolish. False hope. "You didn't called when he stood me up," I said. He didn't say anything. He says, "I don't need this." And I say, "I don't need this, you the one who f kin called me." "Oh word, so you don't want to speak to me no more," baby daddy. "Yo, I have to go, peace." Click.

During the duration of that night, I'm contemplating (does he really care.) Being soo damn stupid. Acting like a stupid B@#%$! Brotha, had to put on Whitney, "It's not right, but it’s ok."
Have a new friend friend. Don't want to jinx it! If it last over two weeks, I will write about the brother.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Same BS

I'm been comtimplating what I should write about on this blogg. There is hardly any drama going on in my life. Still reclaiming my spirit and pursuing many of my goals.

A lil update on whats really good:

Well, baby father called last week twice. He called Tuesday and wanted to come over. I told him, "that's kewl." It’s been a while since I've done anything with anyone. It was dark outside, and as much as I should have said no, I didn’t. He says, "After my meeting, I'm come over at nine."

I cleaned up my house, which I should have done anyway. He never called. It's almost noon Thursday. No phone call. Surprisingly, I am not even worried about him. I should have said no in the first place. To be honest, I believe my desire for him, was the need to feel wanted. I started listening to “Free Yourself” by Fantasia. Song is off the chain. And what I need to do is Free Myself. Side note: I’ve been listening to a lot of 80s and early 90s music recently from Prince to Regina Belle.

I often feel like no one cares. Constantly thinking about situations and people, while home alone. I have good people in my life that loves me and I love them. This upcoming New Year, I want to focus on them.

I guess I'm reaching a new level in this lifestyle. In college, I knew one of my friends was in the life. Always suspected, I used his computer once and seen he had viewed blackmen.com a couple of times. That was over two years ago. About a year ago, I started talking to him from my get down name, to confirm that he liked men. I never revealed who I was until Sunday. I notice what he had written in his profile. It seems like he was heart-broken. So, I called him and up, and contently told him that I liked men as well. His heart had been broken. We spoke for over and hour, and shared some of my experiences. He is the first person, I told and felt assured about it. He informed me that DC isn't the greatest place to find a relationship. I was stunned; because I always thought that there many good black men in the DC area.

"A woman is an important somebody and sometimes you win the triple crown: good food, good sex, and good talk. Most men settle for any one, happy as a clam if they get two." Love by Toni Morrison

I’m going to get it all. Just thought of a theme. I’m a dork.
Happy and alive in 2005.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Cross My Mind!

My favorite song on Jill Scott's newest album is Cross My Mind. It reflects great moments of a past relationship. The line that gets me every time, "I was just thinking about you, I mean, what you doing, I mean, what you been up to. I know its wrong, feeling so strong, let me take a second, minute, hour, think this thing through." And at the end, she clear states, "we both know, I wasn't good for you and your weren't good for me."

The brother I was dealing with for a couple of weeks in October and early November came across my mind. Brother was ambitious, compassionate, educated and attractive. This brother also has a son and lives with baby momma. I have never engaged in any type of relationship with a brother who has a girl. While we were dealing with each other, I did not care. He made time for me. When I need him and he couldn't come because of his son or baby momma I acted as if I understood. Every time when I seen his name on my cell, I had a huge Kool-Aid smile.

I was really feeling a brother. I was being held with genuine comfort. I was blind. I didn’t realize my self worth. Naive to the fact that I was never going to be number 1, (well after his kid.)

I miss HIM!

The last couple of weeks I wanted to call him. But, I didn’t. Because, I wasn't good for him and he wasn't good for me. Until today, he crossed my mind. After I deleted all the texts and cell phone number. I went through last months phone bill and decided to give brother a call. I call. He answers, “I was just thinking about you.” (I’m thinking, damn he still sounds good.)
After our conversation, I keep thinking about him. Thinking about the time we shared and that Jill Scott line. Knowing I shouldn’t have called. Wanting to tell him, ‘I’m just a man… standing in front of another man…. asking him to love me.’

Friday, December 03, 2004

Don't You No No Good!

It’s very hard to trust people. When we encounter a potential lover we have a guard up because someone hurt us in the past. This guard is the beginning of the games we play. Most of the time, the game ends when someone is tired of it. I'm tired of the crap that men put each other through.

I think we are in constant search of that perfect person we always pictured. We quickly dismiss potential lovers because they don't fit the description entirely. Whatever happened to giving people the opportunity to get to know someone on a personal level, with the possibility of establishing a true friendship or relationship?

Our community is so fixed on looks, jobs and degrees that sometimes we turn away our soul mate. Leaving people with self-doubt, depression, low self-esteem and lack of self worth. I think too much. I have self-doubt. I have been hurt. I get depress.

The Internet seems to be the main outlet for men who are out and "da low." We are constantly on looks before we even engage in a conversation. Can we meet without you knowing how much I’m packing or how big is my butt? When do we move forward?

Christopher David wrote yesterday, “I smile a lot so people don’t usually see my pain, but it is there. And everyday I work on making it disappear.” I have this damn smile on my face everyday. I get sad that I have a good job, my own place, in school and everyday I go to an empty home. I have started to bury my desire to have a relationship because I have compromise many things just to have a relationship with anyone.

I guess it maybe I’m growing up. Many of the older men I have encountered has learned how to deal with living a lone among other things. I know I’m not the only one that longs for a long-term relationship. Where is the man that resembles what I desire?

How must we decipher our encounters from the good and the bad? To many relationships failed as they have began. I don’t know. I don’t know what to expect in the future.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

HIV SCARED STRAIGHT, WELL NOT REALLY STR8

I'm scared. I'm scared for this lifestyle. Now I know condoms are 100%, but damn. Brothas sleep around. Brothers are not looking at statistics. Men are still on adam stating "Anthing Goes," that disgusts me. The dude that came over Saturday informed me that one of the guys that have recently become an online chat buddy is HIV+. This is the same dude that wanted me to come over and mess around. He has yet to inform me of his status.

When the CDC reports that 25% of all those who are HIV-positive do not know that they are positive. When the CDC reports AIDS is the #1 killer of Black people ages 24-44 — not drugs or cancer or violence: AIDS! I'm going to protect myself.

I'm not going to lie and say I don't do my dirt. Honestly speaking, I haven't had penetration since August 2003. The main reason is because I don’t trust men answers about their HIV status and the lack of a relationship. Even in the heat of the moment, when you are ready to do the wild thing, I’m always thinking that this may kill me. Moms always told me to look at the consequences and risk before making life-changing decisions.

I recently reconnected with another online chat buddy (cuz my internet is back). The last couple of days, I had learned many great things about him. Last night, I tell him to give me a call we talk for a little over 2 hours and then he says, “let me come over.” Its 12:06AM, six minutes after World AIDS Day. I asked why do you want to meet, now. I know what he wants. The freak does come at night over here. So, I think to myself, I’ll play around till will bust, lol. Anywayz, I asked this brotha, what are we going to do if you come over. He says, “we going to smash.” I told my brotha, “I’m not interested in smashing, and I don’t smash with people I don’t know personally.” Long story short, I tell him no and informed him he can’t come over.
It’s hard having hormones, but these hormones can lead to HIV. I may be young, dumb and full of cum, however I will not “smash.” Self-control. Self-control. Please allow me to always have SELF-CONTROL!

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Kwesi's Compromise

It seems to me no one is really talking about Kwesi Mfume resignation from the NAACP.

Brother Mfume has been one of the most outspoken leaders against Bush. He has begun many reformations of our oldest civil rights organization. Although, he probably is the main reason why the NAACP is under investigation from the IRS. He has attempted to bring forth many issues that plague our community.

It always seems to me, that whenever we (black folks) become in position of power on a national level, we often have to compromise our opinions. We always have someone that doesn't look like us, dictate what and how we should say certain things.

Bill Cosby's war of words has brought much discussion in our community. Although, I may not agree with some of the things he may say, but I know he is speaking from his heart.

Brother Mfume was upset that "our president" has not tried to address the concerns of the NAACP. WTF, can a brotha speak? Can a brotha call our nations leaders out without compromising. Why most a brotha call a meeting with the president two weeks ago, suddenly resigned. It’s a damn shame. I believe he was asked to bow out by Brother Bond.

Sick and tired. I'm tired of being sick and tired about so many things that go on in this country. As we get older we continue to grow more tired. Tired to the point where we must pick and choose our battles. Kwesi is tired, frustrated, agrravated and all of those ated's. I can not really blame him. But, who is going to stand up and lobby for our rights, for effective programs and funding for our organizations and issues? We do not have a national leader in our community. The question now is: WHY!

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