Wednesday, March 30, 2005

How do we wake up and pay attention?

So much has been going on. I have decided not to blog about it, just letting it go and I’ll testify the outcome. This is one of my long blogs, but please read and tell me your thoughts including the Ladies.

Johnnie Cochran! MY GOODNESS! I have a special bond with Brother Cochran. Actually had a chance to meet him a few years back but I was on RA duty. Brother Cochran pledged his life to justice. Last summer, I read “A Lawyers Life,” his law autobiography, and let me tell you he was a Bad Motha.. before OJ.

He was a pioneer in police brutality and racial profiling. Shoot, he brought racial profiling to the forefront with the New Jersey Turnpike shooting. Serving as a defense attorney for the Louima and Diallo cases. Even with his celebrity status, he had victory over many cases and his presence in and out of the courtroom will be truly missed.

Tragic loss in our community!

Last night, I attend the NAACP meeting. Extremely disappointed because I was suppose to give my Anti-Gang Violence proposal but there were only four people including me at the meeting. There is a conference in DC I’m attending next week and I wanted them to sponsor me, therefore another proposal was prepared so they can provide the financial assistance, but they didn’t have quorum.

One thing good that came about, information was shared for Men who are interested in becoming local coordinators for the 10th Anniversary of the Million Man March. My mother did not allow me to attend back in 95 with father. That would have been a memorable experience. I’m not going to miss out taking my little brother or recruiting other young black men.

I always admired Farrakhan and the Nation of Islam because they have a true sense of community. They will give a brother a job, even if it’s selling the Final Call or bean pies. They have made their spiritual efforts enticing. Unfortunately, our people are attracted to what they can see. Most of us don’t have the mentality to think long term. The Muslim community has always pushed entrepreneurship. I have a strong feeling that they MMM will be life changing.

After the NAACP meeting, I attended a forum on the State of Black America. As I sat down after the panelist made their introductions, I admired my beautiful black people that surrounded me. The moderator and panelist brought many issues to light. I notice that all of them talked about the importance of education in our community. Not just academic education, but educating our peers about gangs, AIDS, politics, etc.

Our people need to be taught so many things. So, my question to two particular panelists was how must we educate the masses on the many issues we face? This first panelist said, “I’m not sure education is the problem. Back in Slavery, men and women told the people to go this way. And the people were led to freedom.”

This gave me something to think about. Imagine if we did have that leader. You know that leader like X or Dr. King and we were lead without fear or hesitation because you knew they had our best interest at heart. Unfortunately, we have leaders like Jackson, who has a baby mama, or Sharpton, well you know all about that fool, Cosby, you know… all who have skeletons in their closet that have been forced out. But, what drives me nuts they are still people I admired and will continue to support on most endeavors. Most black folks have a hard time of forgiving and forgetting for a moment in efforts to make change.

Our leaders have to put on a front in order for us to follow them. And when see they are imperfect we criticize them harshly as if our shyt don’t stink. So, how in 2005 are we to come together and allow ourselves to be lead by Black WARRIORS.

“We must continue to grow our grassroots efforts. That’s where we came from,” said the other panelist. With organizations like the Hip Hop Summit Action Network and Vote or Die Campaign promoting voting registration, what happen to voting empowerment. Not just signing up so you can market the numbers of new registered voters, but empowering our community to vote on Election Day.

Those Hip Hop organizations should have initiatives to educate our people on the power of voting and holding our elected officials accountable for prosperity in our community. I bring light to the Hip Hop organizations because they are in 2005 more enticing than any particular groups including the Black Church. We walk, eat, and sleep Hip Hop. And our big Hip Hop heavy weights, P. Diddy and Simmons look like good guys. Yeah, they registered many new voters… whats going on NOW… what’s going on with the NEW YORK Mayoral Race… why isn’t there orgs becoming bigger and badder.

You can easily say its not there job. But these are folks that been through the struggle. Simmons came from selling drugs into the mogul he is today. They are our people, we helped shape them in addition to support them today. Will the real hip hop humanitarian please stand up?

Back to what I was saying… Grassroots efforts are the backbone of our community. Last night, I learned of many small non-profits that are reaching out and touching our people daily, which are the main community changers. I strongly feel our people need to be dragged, stabbed, shot, kicked, punch, stuck with a broom stick with the mentality, “IF YOU WANT TO BE SOMEBODY AND YOU WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE/ YOU NEED TO WAKE UP AND PAY ATTENTION.”

I’m extremely interested in what your thoughts are on what is needed in GENERAL for our people to pay attention. Please comment; this will help me stick a broom up someone… for a wake up call.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Cross My Mind

I had a great EASTER WEEKEND! Went to a Gospel Concert! Seen "Guess Who?"! Made a new Friend! Picked up my new EASTER Suit, lol! Had Momma's Easter Dinner! Relaxed at Home! Only thing, my haircut was horrible! Still having trouble with my fake beard, lol.

Having some inside issues with getting involved with a certain group. Trying to figure things out on my own, and I'll tell y'all the results.

Moving on! Sunday, I was trying to hurt em. My suit was killer. I purchase this gucci tie two years ago and I finally bought a suit to match. Sunday morning, I tried to tie my tie (you know what i mean) for about 20minutes. Looking in my palm5, I was trying to figure out who I should called to help me out. I called Desire, he goes to my church anyway, of course, he didn't pick up. So, I tied one more time and BOOM CHICKA BOOM! LOL

I didn't see Desire at Church, I'm sure he was at his daughters Easter Program. So, yesterday, on my train ride back from a last night meeting, he calls me back. It's the first time we spoke on the phone since Valentine's Day. After our short conversation, he was doing back flips in my mind. It was one of those times when you know you weren't good for him, and he wasn't good for you, but you remember what y'all use to do.

Kinda like that Jill Scott song, "I was just thinking about you, I mean, what you doing, I mean, what you been up to. I know its wrong, feeling so strong, let me take a second, minute, hour, think this thing through."

One more time,

"I was just thinking about you, I mean, what you doing, I mean, what you been up to. I know its wrong, feeling so strong, let me take a second, minute, hour, think this thing through."

Then I started thinking about Potential, I miss our conversations. Sometimes, I want to run back to Desire or Potential, but I start think about why and how we ended. (Click on the title for some background information) I think a big part of that is getting use to a certain level of consistency. Getting phone calls on the regular and all that good stuff. And when it ends, it's a drastic and noticeable change.

Well, they just Cross My Mind!


Although, I haven't been depressed with being single for a whopping two weeks, LOL, I still have the strong urge to commit to the one, instead of someone. Life goes on, with or without me. And all this advice I received on this blog about making myself happy is starting to show off. Last weekend can attest to that, and I'm sure this upcoming weekend will be great. Went to the gym early yesterday morning for the first time in months.

Looking forward to April, heading to DC for two weekends. I HOPE TO SEE TWO OF MY FAVORITE BLOGGERS! Y'all know who you are!

Dang, they (Desire and Potential) still on my mind, LOL!


UPDATE: One of my clients, who was homeless found a place last month, today came in and told me he just received a job. Oh my goodness! This man has come to my job every day for months and after many let downs, he still kept his eyes on the PRIZE. Like India.aire sings, "That's how I know God is Real, none of this is not by chance."

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Holla If You Hear Me

I haven't dwelled on being single for a minute. Well, I'm running out things to do by myself... I want some new ideas. Although, I have a busy schedule I have free time that makes me want to do bad things, LOL.

My life is all meetings, work, church and school,.. right now I need to do something fun other than drinking, lol.

So, I'm asking for ideas on what someone could do to enjoy themselves.


Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Go Black Folks! Run For That Office!

I am extremely excited about Kwesi Mfume running for a Senate seat. He is one of my idols and hopefully one of my future mentors. Working for him in MD would be incredible.

Brother Mfume is no joke. He did an exceptional job as a Congressman, Chair of the CBC, and President of the NAACP. I have no doubt if elected he will become outspoken on many issues that affect our community. My only question: will people who are not black vote for him? This is sad that race still comes into play, but its real.

My friends that came up from the DC area over the weekend aren't politically involved, but they had an opinion of his candidacy. They all agreed that he wouldn't get elected. Yesterday, I found out his opponent on the Republican Ticket is Black as well. Once again, we have two blacks running against each other for Senate (first match Obama and Keyes). I believe Republicans have a liable candidate and they will push him hard. One the other hand, I'm uncertain if the DNC or State Dems are going to push Mfume as hard because from what I heard there are many moderates living in MD and Mfume comes off like a Howard Dean (ultra liberal).

Money is what I call pushing a candidate. Most Black Folks don't have money to donate or don't know the political benefit of donating money to a candidate, therefore if a candidate is running for a statewide office they will have to cater to those who will help(pay) to get them elected. Mfume has a long road ahead of him. I wonder if he knew about this opportunity before being pushed to resign his post at the NAACP.

Keith Boykin recently interviewed two black members of the LGBT community running for mayor of a city on both coast. This pleases my mind tremendously. Especially the interview with Jass Stewart. A young BGM doing the dam thing with his own business, community involvement, partner and son. Incredible! I only wish I could have found him before his partner, LOL.

I don't know the demographics of candidates respective community, but its always exciting to see REAL black people running for an elected position. I hope the local members of our community actually go an volunteer, spread the word, and vote for these people. Our involvement in politics plays a critical role in Making that Change.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

What's really good?

What's really good with all of these mood swings? I'm beginning to think I'm bi-polar. During lunch, I ran out to a record store to buy Deitrick Haddons latest CD. And now I'm in a decent mood. I need to figure this out, before I go psycho on someone, lol.

Make Me Over Again!

Today, I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed with many things. I praying for my faith to allow me to continue to trust and believe. So much to do, with so little time. And instead of me just going with the flow, I continue to worry about getting things done. Really should have went to church on Sunday. Luckily, we are having a Victory week starting tonight until Easter.

I'm trying to feel my gas tank of encouragement, but I'm broke and there isn't a gas station in site. I need a new gospel CD, LOL. I can smile but I have this headache that I always get when I'm feeling stressed.

Gospel artist Tonex has this song called "Make Me Over." This is how I feel right now. It sucks when you know what to do, but you just don't do it. Trying to brush the dirt of my shoulders. Right now, I'm going to make a list of things to do and prioritize what I need to do first.

Make Me Over

You Know My Other Side,
I Can No Longer Hide
Let You Down So Many Times
Sin Freshly Crucifies

Thought That I Had A Plan
I Had It All Figured Out,
But The More That You Tried,
To Be My Side The More I Pushed You Out.

Lord Make Me Over (Make Me Over Lord)
Lord Make Me Over (Make Me Over Lord)
Lord Make Me Over Make Me Over Again
Lord Make Me Over Again, Make Me Over Again
Make Me Over Again, Make Me Over Again

Time After Time I Failed You
Pierced Your Side When They Already Nailed You
Jesus Healed My Open Wound
I Just Want To Be More Like You

Father I Let You Down
Was Not Like You Just Take It Out
Reconciled Me Jesus
I Just Wanna Please You, Wash Me And Make Me Whole,

Lord Make Me Over
Lord Make Me Over
Lord Make Me Over- Make Me

Make Me Over Again
Watch Me Through And Through Lord
Make Me Over Again What Ever You Want, What Ever You Need
Make Me Over Again
I'll Do It For You Jesus
Make Me Over Again Make Me Over

Lord I'm tired
Make Me Over Again
Everyday Is The Same Time Is The Same Thing
And I'm Ready For Change Lord
Make Me Over Again
Help Me Say Oh Oh oh oh oh oh
Help Me Say Oh Oh oh oh oh oh
Help Me Say Oh Oh oh oh oh oh
Make Me Over Lord Make Me Over Again

"I speak life... dont give up the fight on your life." I'm fighting!

Monday, March 21, 2005

b-day weekend

Festivities for my b-day continued throughout the weekend. Friday, friends from VA/DC/MD came up... we bugged out, drinking and playing uno... lol. The dude from DC is my peeps for life.

I've been planning my b-day party since the beginning of the year. This year I wanted to invited people from all of my walks of life. So, I had my school/work/family/G-Life peeps/organization members together for the first time. We started at one of my close friends apt.... had some food and did a lot of drinking. I had fun. MAD FUN. I had over 50 friends come out from Boston to VA.

Honestly, I don't remember much about the club. Its the second time, I actually blacked out drunk. My friends were telling me what I was doing. Surprisingly, I didn't do nothing freaky, lol, well at least not with a dude. Majority of the people attended don't know about me... and some of the G-Life peeps attending are suspect. Saturday morning, I was extremely nervous about the peeps meeting the rest of my friends. After having several shots of Grey Goose, it was a wrap.

Yesterday, some of my friends mentioned that they thought the peeps were G-Life members. I brushed it off, just ignoring their comments. When my cousin told my mom that I had some fruity people at the party, I started to have an headache. I was pissed that she went back and said that to my family. I'm still pissed. I wanted to just tell my mother, "well I'm G, too." But, Moms didn't seem to be interested if they were G-Life members or not.

Some of my str8 friends always have G-Life comments. They are suspect, too. I also think I want to distance myself from them, because I'm not game for no one disrespecting who I am. Quiet frankly, I'm not into disrepecting anyone. If I have something disrespectful to say, I keep it under my tongue, avoiding confrontation from anyone.

I had such a great time this weekend, yet my cousins comments bothered me so much that I'm starting to have an headache now. I really want someone to ask me if I get down. Dang, I missed church yesterday and started to feel like someones trying to get me.

i'm not spell checking or reading over this... i want to post something else if i can today.. my headache is strong.

I'm aggravated. More to the point on why people can't mind their own business. They have to always attempt to bring other people down. The G-Life people that came to my party, have some of the most impressive resumes and education. Not to mention they are great people. I'm so upset at some of my friend for them to even comment on their preference, especially because of how they were dressed(which was great, that not thug look) and they aren't as fem as some of their own dang friends that they think are str8. I really not going to go through that BS again, I didn't harp on the issue. But, dang... why you all in my grill.

Aiight, this is my last time adding to this post. I didn't listen to my WOW Gospel CD. I'm good, still a little upset. But, we face so much adversity as black people, why do we constantly try to put each other down. Now, I'm planning my 25th at the Lobby, entering with Diana Ross singing, "I'm coming out." LOL, never that!

Thursday, March 17, 2005

I speak life

As always, church was on fire last night! In the past week, I had a couple tribulations waiting to break loose. I was about to go back into my hole, but instead I put on Donald Lawrence CD - I speak life. There have been many constant thank yous and cries for the many blessing and struggles I have.

My emotions are easily triggered. You know when you are feeling great/unstoppable and something or someone does something that can just pissed you off. You know, you shouldn't react and it takes all of you not to. Well, I'm working through all of that.

I've been playing positive music in my portable disc man that I listen to in my car (yeah, i still don't have a radio, lol.) It's official, I am a Gordon Chambers groupie. I had to believe, "it's not right/but its ok/i'm going to make it any way." I even busted out Afrodisiac, y'all know what i'm talking about.... "thank you for all the tears and all the stress, your the best I felt blessed I'm a better man now... look how i smile all you did was help the mess... because this experience made me into who i am..."

I speak life... dont give up the fight on your life. They are so much in life beside this lifestyle. So many times a day, I just want to give up. I over analyze too much. I plan too much. Yes, I'm much better know, but I still have lots to work on. Organization members don't care as much.. the passion is dying out of many people that I believe in.. Some family members aren't loving like they should... But, we have life.

The realization that has risen from the darkness in my life has brought me to the point of just Trusting and Believing. My personal encouragement has to fill up plenty of times daily. And y'all know GAS is expensive. Last night, my pastor ended on the subject of the race that God has already in store for us.

"You don't have to set the race... you just have to find your lane"

He preached about how God already has the path that we are destine to follow. All these years I've been trying to set up my race instead of doing what Toni sung about, "just let it flow... everything gonna work out right you know."

Like in the song, It's so hard to say goodbye, "I don't know where this road is going to lead/ All I know is where we've been and what we been through... And I'll take with me the memories/ To be my sunshine after rain/ It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday." Stop singing, lol.

It really is hard... to know the past, all the joy and the heartache that comes with it... Closing off the road that wasn't in God's plan. I've found my lane, so its the end of this road exiting off toward the right road.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Smiling at the Rashawn Brazell Meeting

I'm definitely going to have a father post next week. I had a great b-day.. and thank you to everyone who commented on my last post.

Well, I wanted to discuss POCC yesterday, but it was MY DAY, lol. I must say Gordon Chambers CD is off the hook. While I was stuck in traffic for over an hour trying to get to the meeting I listen to the entire CD, absolutely off the Mfing hook.

Did I go to the Rashawn Brazell meeting at POCC? Sho Nuff. Was I nervous as heck when I walked into the office? Sho Nuff. Did I do what I said I was going to do? Sho Nuff. Was it exciting to be among men like myself who are socially conscious? Sho Nuff. Did I participate in the planning conversation? Sho NO. Did I want to? Sho Yes.

The meeting was my first time actively attempting to help the LGBT community. There were a lot of men of color that belonged to numerous organizations along with a few concern members of the community. It was great to be expose to knowledgeable men of color that had a genuine concern with the community. I am very observant. I try not to comment as a new member unless I've gather information about someone or a situation. I didn't say anything, which is unlike me, but its my first meeting. The meeting was successful because it gave the Black G-Life organizations with full time staff the assignment to organized a mourning service as well as a police informational event under the name the Rashawn Brazell Collective. Members of the community were given the opportunity to join the planning committee for either event.

I really wanted to say that we need to promote the deaths due to internet/chat line encounters. One thing with being socially conscious, you know people that aren't personally affected usually tend not to get involved. This is most unfortunate in the black community. I foresee the same thing happening to the Black G-life community if we don't education the men and women that go on these 1-on-1 dates.

At any given moment there are hundreds of men on ADAM, especially in New York City, Atlanta, Baltimore and DC. I firmly believe if men knew that they risk death on meeting someone in a private setting they will make more informed decision with meeting someone from the first time. (Of course, we know this.) I'll tell you one thing, I have met people from blackplanet and Adam. I haven't met anyone recently from there, but after Rashawn Brazell's death I WILL only meet someone in a public setting. Then when you eventually meet someone privately you still risk death or even HIV, but that's more of an educated risk.

In this lifestyle we don't have many resources to meet men, particularly if you on da low. You have the internet, chat line, G-life clubs and S-parties. Most of these resources promote S#x. I recently went on adam last week for the first time in three months. I notice a growing trend, Escorts. Even on the chat line, (I'll admit... I love to talk, and I do call the chat line... not frequently, ok enough of that, lol). I think a huge focus should emphasize on the importance of safe internet dating, not just to the OUTed community, but the men that aren't involved or aware about any LGBT issue. Even asking clubs to hand out a save s#x/date club card and in back of the card a testimony of someone who was expose to HIV from a unprotected hook up or a Death notice of someone who was killed from meeting someone unsafely from one of the above resources.

Word of mouth is the best resource when trying to spread the word. Last week, I had a message on the chat line about Rashawn's Death, telling people his speculated story. I had it on the entire night as I slept. Some men left messages that they googled his name and learned about what happen and they were going to pass the word. Knowledge is the key with so many issues we have today, from voting to unemployment. I hope the Collective with push an initiative of awareness that I can assist with. (So, why won't you do it.) I'm only one person involved with a lot, but I am definitely willing to help.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Ides of March aka MY B-DAY

Beware of the Ides of March. Twenty-four years old! Today! Whew, Serious! Sike nah! It's definitely not Twenty-five but its another year as an adult. Another years of bills, working that 9 to 5, rent and insurance. But, another year of independence, privacy and freedom.

Last night, I was going to stay at a friends house because I didn't want to wake up alone on my b-day. Well, after I attended the meeting at POCC (I'll blog about that tomorrow), I went over to her house and said, "I'm going home and wake up in my own bed." I am truly bless. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, in my own apartment, driving my ride to my full time gig, then going to class. I'm also fully single and happy (lets just see how long that's going to last, lol). Potential is no longer apart of my love life.

Today marks another year of growth. Growth within myself. Growth in my community. Growth in my spirituality. And I better see growth in my financial life, lol.

After class, going to my moms and grandma's house to pick up my Packages and hopefully some cake. I think my co-workers are doing something for me, which is a rare occassion because they never celebrate employees b-days. They gave me cake and bagels for a brotha. I'm celebrating on Saturday with friends. On my way to the POCC meeting I wrote

25 things to accomplish by 25

25. Get my notary public certificate (yes, I'm a dork, lol)
24. Restart my harp lessons ( I can use the extra money doing gigs)
23. Get back into the gym
22. Read Nelson Mandela: In his own words - Autobiography
21. Establish small business #1
20. Save for my own house (with some tenants to pay for it)
19. Set up an address book with ALL of my contacts
18. Reestablish relationships with old contacts
17. Buy an laptop
16. Tell some of my friends what’s really good
15. Pick and choose the projects that I lead
14. Buy an Ipod
13. Continue with school
12. Talk to my mentors more
11. Talk to my mentees more
10. Become closer with my family.
9. Travel to Atlanta, Chicago and St. Louis
8. Have a more intimate relationship with God
7. If its ok with him, find that special someone
6. Establish an annual benefit for one of my organizations
5. Make some new/true friends
4. Purchase a whole new summer wardrobe
3. Attempt to grow my hair one last time
2. Establish small business #2 that can become big business
1. Accept me for me

Monday, March 14, 2005

I'm on my way...

I'm on my way. I'm on my way into becoming OUT. Nah, I wouldn't put it that way. But, I'm on my way to being my own man. Last week, one of my boys was coming into town to go to a BG writers' b-day party. I knew about this writer for two years and that their would be many OUTed community members in attendance.

Because I love to be in the loop of what's going on, I quickly asked if I could accompany him. The next day, I was telling myself, maybe I shouldn't go because these people live in your area all of the paranoid stuff I subject myself to. I didn't asked him about it for the rest of the week. Saturday came around and we chatted online and he asked if I was still going. I had my Kool-aid smile on and typed, "Yeah, what time are we going and what are you wearing." LOL!

I just deleted 400 words on what went on. Long story short, I arrived at the writer's home and wasn't nervous. Well, when I walked in with my boys it was a little crazy because we had to walked though a bunch of staring eyes. And just stop in the middle as my boy greeted some of his friends. I hung my coat up and headed back upstairs and was happy about me being me. It's always great to be in a bunch of black men that have shared my struggles and challenges, yet overcame them as writers, attorneys, motivational speakers and models, etc. My success is so important to me and for me to witness the comfort of knowing that I can be who I am and be as successful as these men was/is a wonderful feeling.

I knew a couple of people, so that great. Met a couple of men that belonged to a couple of my organizations which is always comforting. I introduce myself with a strong handshake and my REAL NAME. Now this is big for me, because I really don't tell people my real name. I guess it was the spirits in me. I was just living in the moment instead of the future. As my spirituality grows stronger, my self-acceptance of this lifestyle changes progressively. Like I said having that CAN-Do spirit and knowing I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Poetry was killer. I saw ClayStarr performing two pieces of poetry. I didn't have the guts to introduce myself as "Hey, I'm SMILINGONTHEDL." But, I'm sure I'll see him again. There were actually a couple of bloggers that attended the party. The vibe I received from the host was overwhelming. I love my successful black people who have a genuine heart. He greeted my friends with a welcoming smile. When brotha sung, "His eyes are on the sparrow." That's a song that's close to my heart that I have forgot about and needed to be reminded. "Why should I feel discourage..." WHY SHOULD I FEEL DISCOURAGE!

Gordon Chambers blew me away with his inspirational song, "Always Be Proud." You know I can get emotional, but I was fought back the tears. For the first time in a long time, I was truly proud of all of ME. The first couple of lines, "Always be proud of what you overcome/ and always be proud of all the battles you won/ always be proud of all of your darkest days/ the tears you held back when you walked away." I had to hold back big time. Sometimes in life we need certain events, movies or songs that inspire us to be proud. As I stood ingesting all of his words, I knew my life is not just about this sexuality, it's about me. This is my anthem for 2005.

I woke up extremely tired because I didn't get into my apt till late and I wanted to go to church on Sunday. Instead of my gospel cd playing on my way to church, I listen to "Always Be Proud," over and over, just like this morning, LOL. At my new discipleship class we talked about how we have this human nature to live our lives with a carnal will, mind and emotion. We had a conversation that we just need to live with the guidance of God and know that through his love we will succeed. Afterwards, my pastor's sermon continued to talk about the transformation into becoming the Christians that God wants us to be. How we need to change/ change is good/ change is what is needed to live a better life.

Well, I don't know if I'm going to start holding up a rainbow flag. The politics of discretion is still in my mind along with my new found conformability with the Black G-Life community. (Read Brooklyn Boy Blues latest post about Mario Vasquez and the level of what being out can bring.) I will live my life as I want. I feel like Monica Calhoun in The Best Man, (yeah, i know, LOL!) when Sanaa Lathans character tells her not to worry about it anything. With a smile, Calhoun replies, "Your right. It's my day." May today and tomorrow continue to be my day, while I'm on my WAY.

Meeting tonight

This was posted on I'm attending this evening.
Bruthaz, [March 10th, 2005] a contingent of bruthaz from various samegender loving organizations such as POCC [People of Color In Crisis],GMAD [Gay Men of African Descent], NYSBGN [New York State Black GayNetwork], BMX NY [Black Men's Xchange New York] and some other bruthazjust representing themselves as caring community citizens gathered andconvened at Day-O [a Black owned soul food restuarant] in the villageover drinks to discuss how we felt about Rashawn's passing and whatpossible strategic action(s) to take as a community.
A lot of notes were taken and we decided that we would convene for aPre-meeting on Monday, March 14th, 2005 @ 7PM atPOCC468 Bergen Street [1/4 block from Flatbush Avenue] #2 or #3 train toBergen Street; 1/4 block walkBrooklyn, New York 11217 This meeting will discuss the strategies or ideas we came up with atDay-O and also we want the SAME GENDER LOVING COMMUNITY TO COME OUTAND SUPPORT THIS EFFORT! YOUR VOICE IS NEEDED TO HELP FORMULATE APLAN!
Depending upon what comes out of this pre-meeting we intend tohave a press conference at:Borough Hall in downtown Brooklyn onTuesday, March 22nd, 2005 @ 7PMDIRECTIONS: #2, 3, 4 or 5 trains to Borough Hall; "A", "C" or "F"trains to Jay Street/Borough HallI CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT BRUTHAZ COME OUT ANDSUPPORT THE PRE-MEETING SESSION AT POCC SO THAT YOUR VOICE IS HEARDAND THE STRATEGIZING CAN REALLY BEGIN!
A lot of times we can become socomplacent or just bear the pain and wonder why nothing ever happensfor our community. We just need some bruthaz to step up to the plateand attend this. I know we like to go to Luke & Leroy or go to ChiChiz and get our groove and drink on, but if some of us can do that,then can we at least come out and support ourselves and young bruthaRashawn who was brutally hacked up and murdered in support of our ownBlack same gender loving community????!! Can we come together and dothat???!!
As long as we keep perpetrating this invisibility role wewill continued to be non-served in such a manner. The white media hascovered this very minutely and it is up to US [BLACK PEOPLE] to take astand; for Sakia Gun on down we gotta do this bruthaz!

Friday, March 11, 2005

Penny with a Hole in it...

I have never been in LOVE. I would say I've been infatuated with the concept of being in LOVE. I've been infatuated with some of the men and women I've dealt with. Even to the point when we would say I LOVE you. To me, infatuation is an overwhelming feeling.

Many times I have been attracted to people just because of their ambition and loving spirit. Most of these people were very similar to me. They had issues. These issues prevented the IN part of LOVE. Issues like ability to reveal emotion, self-esteem, financial and even spiritual. Dealing with black men, it is a whole other ball game than black woman. Much is bottled and sealed up.

It seems everyone I meet has this guard up. The guard that is created by someone that has did them wrong in the past. Instead of nature taking its time, (this is what is been happening to me) I or them does something that messes things up. This year, I'm on the whole real vibe with the people I am attempting to get it there with aka get in a relationship with. The whole black man's pride is something I'll probably have to work on with myself and whoever partner for the rest of my life.

I have this theory that true LOVE is unconditional. It's a place where people are accepting of each others faults and insecurities. Also, a place where two people meet and share their lives with each other. In Shall We Dance? (yes, I went to the movies by myself to see this movie.) Susan Sarandon (my home girl) character says something in essence like this "we marry someone because they will bare witness of our life." Dang, that is strong. Someone that's knows where you been, what your doing and where your going.

My involvement in numerous things has prevented me to allow myself to really tell someone about all of the things I'm doing or have done. In other words, I don't think anyone is really interest in what I do. The LOVE I guess I believe in, will surpass all of that what your doings to the point when my partner contributes to what I'm doing instead of listening. And this works both ways. I'm ready to make time for someone in my hectic schedule. Ready to come home and have someone to lay with. Ready to argue and all that other stuff.

At last weeks Bible study, my Pastor mention that we won't find the perfect LOVEr. We have to love someone for who they are, not what they are doing, how much money, what school they graduated from. We all have issues. This drove me to the position to put up with some things I may not like. Because $%^t I'm not perfect either.

It appears when we pass the oh, so famous stage that John Legend sings about.. you know, "we past that infatuation stage." We see people for who they are and that's imperfect. And the people I've been involved have had a difficult past. So, let's work on each other. Have that friendship along with that relationship understanding. But, it never gets that far. You know when Renee Zellweger in Jerry McGuire say, "I love him for the man that he is and the man that he is going to become." I stood in the place where I like him for the damage man that he is and the healed man he will become.

Yesterdays, poem I wrote, "Can you give me your life sufferings as a gift?" Revealing oneself is ideal with beginning something real. I serious want someone to reveal who they are and I do the same so we can work off of each other. Do that Love Jones thing, "Get Together. Fall Apart. Start Over." So, I'm guessing you may think I'm hopeless like a penny in a hole in it, lol.

See for me, I like, lust, kiss, hug, and most importantly LOVE hard. And when this is return, I am unstoppable. But, wait, this hasn't happen to me yet. Nope, but just the idea of one day being IN LOVE puts a smile on my face.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

One more thing....

One more thing...

I wanted to post this over the weekend. Saturday morning, I woke up and watched Love Jones for the first time in years. I am really feeling Love Jones right now. Two people who contemplate the risk of loving each other. "Get Together. Fall Apart. Start Over," dang. I was a little inspired. I'm not a poet, but I just had a poem that I wanted or should I say needed to write. This poem are my questions to the one.

Potential Lover

Can you handle it?
My good, My bad, My ugly…

Can you step out of the game into reality because I don’t want to get play’d?

Can you relinquish your life sufferings as a gift to me?

Can you envision, say aloud, read aloud and write about our future?

Can you sacrifice your pride and YELL what you want me to do for you?

Can you furnish me with comfort that you understand who I am?

Can you undertake the research to answer all of my life’s questions?

Can you appreciate my insecurities as much as I appreciate yours?

Can you wipe away my Miss Celie’s Blues?

Can you reveal the facts that this is real?

Can you accept the love I’m willing to surrender to you?

Can you swing to me on a vine of love as if you were Tarzan and Jane?

Can you handle it?
My bad, My ugly…

CAN-DO Spirit

After writing my post yesterday, I was happy that I'm getting involved with the Rashawn Brazell project. A half hour later, I wanted to back out and erase my post. I put on my WOW Gospel CD for some type of emotional support. Called a few friends, but told them I had to talk to them tonight about something important. I was just feeling defeated.

Then, a councilwoman called me and asks me to accompany her to this after work social fund-raiser for a black congressional candidate she was hosting. First, I was annoyed she told me at the last minute because I seen her on Sunday, but happy I could do some networking. All of my focus went on getting out of work earlier to change and arriving at the place on time.

I am fasting on Wednesdays till Easter with my Church congregation. When I arrived home, I didn't feel like going to the event because I really wanted/needed to go to bible study. I called my mother and told her I needed some motivating words to attend the event. Sista, gave me a Kool-aid smile, so I put myself together and headed out.

When I get to the neighborhood, I notice I wasn't in Kansas anymore. As I pulled up to the gate of the address that was given to me, I notice I'm heading to a multimillion dollar home. So, I take a look in my rear view mirror and then look at my car and laughed. I still have the yellow numbers on my white car from the pound and had some boogers in my nose. Kinda embarrass, but knew there wasn't anything to do except wipe my nose.

I wore my favorite black shoes that on certain floors squeak. Yup, as I walked throughout the mansion, people stared at my shoes, LOL. At 6pm it was time to eat after an entire day without food intake. The event had a little buffet and in the middle of the room there is a baby chandelier around 5 feet 5 inches from the floor. So, of course, my behind walks into the chandelier, luckily only one person seen me, LOL. Then I'm talking with the councilwoman's sister as I poured a glass of Merlot, and I spill some on the floor, LOL. Last but not least, I start to eat my food and I'm MAD HUNGRY, so as I open my mouth for the first bite drool started to leak from my mouth and the attorney next to me notices it, LMAO. OH MY GOODNESS!

Overall, I had a great time, made some extraordinary contacts and laughed my way onto church. I arrived just after the choir finished singing. You know how sometimes you attend church and the pastor preaches what you need to hear, it happen last night as always. I'm not going to go all the way into it.... but check out some of what I wrote down:

"You are in control of you own successes."
"You can't be in Christ and not be in victory."
"Do an inventory of your life."
"Stop complaining and saying what you can't do. Have a CAN-DO Spirit."

If that wasn't for me, then I don't know what else. A CAN-Do Spirit. Yeah, I am going to assist with seeking justice for Rashawn Brazell. But, I'm also reminded to continue to believe that I "can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

I think its time!

Rashawn Brazell death has really been bothering me. I know tons of people that get down, mostly on da low. I informed them about his death and most of them felt bad about what happen and said its just part of living in the life. Does it have to be apart of it?

We have so many unspoken stories of our brothers and sisters that are hurt/killed because of discrimination. One of my friends told me about a student in Connecticut, who happen to be a member of an historically black fraternity, was killed prostituting in Drag last Fall. Did we hear about this? No!

Social activism is my passion. It's my life. A situation like Brother Brazell sends me in outrage. It also reminds me of my self-inflicted barrier that usually prevents me from doing what I want because so many people in the LGBT community are involved. It also contradicts my beliefs of people standing up for what they believe in.

I tend to read about issues that members of the black LGBT community are fighting. Instead of assisting in their endeavors, I might donate.. purchase a book.. but never actively committing to those issues. Yes, they are advocating for me, but why am I, as a social conscious black man not marching with them!

Even fun things, a friend of mine who is OUT invited me to GMHC dance-a-thon AIDS fund-raiser over the summer! I knew it would be fun, but ME going to a GMHC event... not so fun! It took all of my balls just to go to the Noah's Arc premiere. And recently, the Masculinities Conference. Slowly progressing.

I'm sure members of the OUTed community want the so-called "dl" brothas to do it like Nike (Just Do It!.) But my mother really drilled in me that there is a consequence to all of your actions. I guess the decision to be out or not can serve as a huge negative consequence because of some of my goals. Then again, it could bring this much-needed happiness that I need.

Getting down is just part of my life. LGBT issues are just apart of my main issues that I want to fight. Issues like unemployment, underemployment, education, gang violence, affordable housing, community and political involvement. I have a strong ability to create, fund-raise, lead and mobilize many social efforts. I think its time for me to do assist the black LGBT community. I know I can shorten this barrier enough to become active in the effort to bring justice to my Brother Rashawn Brazell. Maybe this is just the beginning all I know, I'm playing the moment when he cut in front of me while I was dancing with a friend. I remember smiling at this young brotha at the lounge. Another BGM in our world, just like me.

Check out post "turning anger into action".. just click the title!

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

We need you now!


I'm standing in the need of prayer. Lord, our people need you more than ever. You know I have been crying a lot lately because so much is going on with the world. I've pray for so many things. Right now, I pray that you give our people guidance and strength.

Rashawn Brazell has departed from our community. His death is a tragedy. Let his death be remembered that Rashawn could have been us. So many of us meet people through the Internet. So many of us sleep with each other without knowing the person's last name. So many of us are dying unwanted. So many of us are confused about our sexuality. Father, I don't know the circumstances on how my brother Rashawn departed, all I know I have put myself in predicaments that he could have been ME!

Please work through the Media and other organizations to realize that this is a situation we need to discuss. Telling Rashawn's story will save lives. Let our organizations work for us, not just LGBT groups, but groups like the NAACP as well.

Help me find how I can assist during this time.

Work in your mysterious way. Father, I know how powerful you have always been. Please help us out.

Lord, we need you NOW! We need you yesterday, today and tomorrow!

In Jesus Name I Pray,


Monday, March 07, 2005

Rashawn Brazell

This is a crazy story. Click on Rashawns name, it will send you to Karsh's weblog. Karsh has links to Larry Lyons and Steven Fullwood's pages. This event is scary.

After viewing his picture today, I remembered over the summer seeing Rashawn a couple of times at Bardo's/Luke and Leroy's. I notice him and his friends because they were very young hanging out at a bar. Our world is such a sad place. My heart and prayers go out to his family and friends.

Situations like this, makes me want to close off my cave and never come out.

When a friends, isn't a friend.

My mother married my stepfather when I was six year's old. During my young years, I witness the physical and mental abuse that he put my mother through. My brother, sister and I were victims as well. My mother fought for us plenty of times. My mom truly had what some call battered woman's syndrome. Believe me it's real. There were countless nights when I would balled my fist in bed and I'd hear things being broken. I would pray hard, real hard that God would give my mom the strength to survive. My mom would survive, leave and repeat the cycle for almost ten years. While in High School my mother and I stood up and shut him out of our lives.

I vowed to never put up with any physical or mental abuse from anyone.

I am a firm believer that if someone you consider a friend does or say something that will hurt you, you don't need to be around that person. That goes for family and lovers, too. This brings me to the reason of this post.

Over the years of talking to many BGM from different parts of life, all of them have been through some type of emotional battled with a loved one. As a result, some stemmed this battle with their friends and potential lovers. I'm very compassionate when it comes through emotional battles, because I'm a survivor and fighter of many great battles and I'm still fighting.

It comes to the point, right NOW in my life, I don't need anyone giving me additional mental abuse, especially friends. I didn't go into detail about why Shawty and I departed ways, but this is why we aren't friends now. (Click on the title for past post.) This brotha has gone through a lot of abuse growing up and he would say some offensive things to me. A lot of times I would let it slide, but there were somethings that he knew really bothered me and he would say them anyway. The day I cut him off, he said something again and i was like OH HECK NO! He is aware that I'm going through emotional recovery and still has something disrespectful to say/do. Keep in mind, if he told me that something bothered him I would never (Never Ever, never ever, never ever, never -Outkast) bring it up. There was a whole lot of stuff I could have said, but I believe in Karma (what comes around goes around - mama & alicia.) I was his only true friend; his other friends constantly take advantage of him.

When you get to know someone, you see the good and the bad. You know what makes them happy or upset. Yes, I can be sensitive. Usually, when someone says something that bothers me, I inform them of their actions and see if it comes up again. What type of friend constantly does things that will upset you? I brush a lot of dirt off my shoulders. Being involved with many projects and organizations has given me strength. It seems the people that really can PISS ME OFF are friends. Gotta love them, most def! But after a while of continuous $%^t its time to go! (I'm not talking about other people's conflicted opinions, but rather non-constructive criticism.) I hope I'm getting my point across.

On Saturday, someone said something offensive to me. I let the first time slide. Second time, I informed them never to say that to me again. This brotha says it again in a serious tone and I hung up. Hung up because I just informed this fool to chill out with saying that $%^t to me. This person knows the real me. I am not going to go into what was said to me, but it was something that anyone with consideration wouldn't say to the REAL ME. Did I expect for him to call back and apologize, YES I DID? Did it happen? NO IT DIDN'T. So, after contemplating whether or not I should confront him about comments. I choose not to call him. Its Monday and still no phone call, e-mail or text. If he has too much pride to know that he was wrong then I can do better all by myself. I feel if I call, I'm the one admitting I over reacted when in fact I informed him not to say it again but like an idiot he said it again. Thinking about it, I'm like why have a friend that does something on purpose to get you mad. Yeah, a lot of my friends play around and say little things, but this situation was different, very negative. Yes, I will have many disagreements with people. But, when something specifically tell you don't do something because it hits a hurtful spot, then don't do it. So, question to the blog world out there, AM I WRONG? Should I call? Should I wait for him to call?

Get at me!

Thursday, March 03, 2005

He's Able!

Desire update (if you don't know about Desire, click on he's able):

I had been debating calling this man for a week. Although things didn't go as planned, it would be nice friend to have him as a friend. I decided not to call him. Pride getting in the way, but if he wanted to be friends he would call me, too. Oh, well.

Saturday, I spent most of the day lounging around my apartment. I was in deep thought about the Desire and Potential situations. Shamefully, lol, I was also thinking about what Madea said, "If anyone is willing to leave you, let them go!"

As I entered my new discipleship class at church on Sunday, Desire was walking out of the class he teaches. We gave quick hellos and kept it moving. So, I went on a bathroom break and he's walking in my directions smiling and hits me as we passed each other. (Note: we use to do that all of the time.) MY FACE WAS SERIOUS! So, I get to the urinal and stood there with my stuff out for three minutes before I could pee. Three minutes of thinking about how could he touch me was a long time, LOL.

After class, I stayed for service. If I looked to my left I could see him. As always, Pastor was on fire. The message was about how we have so-called grudges on the people that has done us wrong. This grudge has something over us and we miss out on blessings. He said, "Let it go, Let it go!" The tears began. Although Desire wasn't the only one I forgave, he was the only one to the left of me. And I felt guilty because this man has given me a situation that I have risen and learned from and I had resentment towards him.

Even though, I felt, cried and even blogged about forgiving him, it was put to the test last night.

Last night was the first bible study I have attended since joining my new church home. As soon as I walked through the doors of the church, Guess Who? Desire. Let me tell you something readers, I smiled so much you could have seen all of my teeth as I said while passing, "Hello, how are you doing?" Desire was in disbelief, I know he didn't expect my cheerful greeting. I went up the stairs, HAPPY. Happy because for the first time since our last telephone conversation I seen Desire and didn't wish to knock him out (yes, I wanted to on Sunday).

Another first, I didn't sit alone at Church. I saw my first harp teacher at Church for the first time since 2000. (Yes, I'm a harpist, Don't stereotype! That's the renaissance man in me.) We caught up on a lot of things and I just felt golden. Desire sat three rows behind us. And all I could do is laugh because I felt like he was looking at me. Maybe he wasn't, but I was still smiling. I texted Potential (he's a church boy) and told him that I had truly forgiven Desire. It was kinda weird, because he was the first one I wanted to share this with. The young choir sung Kirk Franklin's, "He Able." And you know I was jamming when they sung the "he can do it, he can do it, oh yes he can" part.

He's able!

Oh yeah, I made the cut. has put me on his list of loved ones. I'm special!

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Hollering Back with Answers!

On the road again is the shizness. Yesterday, I bought a snow brush from the 99c store. It was fun to brush off my car yesterday and today, lol. Aiight, I know I'm cheezy.

My bad for the format of this post, but I typed it on word and when I copied and pasted it didn't come out right

The LoveHater asked
1. Where were you born?
At first, I was going to give you a fake state. But, I’m bigger than that. I was born, tamed and groomed in North Jersey.

2. How do you like to relax?
Movies are like therapy. I love to watch them. Great conversation relaxes me. Since Christmas, I’ve started to really enjoy wine. A couple of my friends grew up learning about it, so now they are teaching me.

3. When I come to New York will u hang with me?It would be great to hang with you. Go out and get a glass of wine.

Pip asked

1. Who is your biggest influence politically?
Kwesi Mfume is my biggest influence. My favorite books to read are autobiographies of Black People. After reading his bio I was intrigued with his motivation to better society. He came from nothing and survived the streets of Baltimore to graduating from Morgan State, become a councilman, congressman, two time chair of the Congressional Black Caucus and eventually President of the NAACP. He takes a stand for what he believes in and doesn’t care about anything else. Another thing that I like about him, he knew how to network and know the right people, it saddens me that he retired. I’m sure it is a lot of stuff that went on that the public is unaware of.
2. Are most of your gay friends on the DL as well?
Yes, they are on the “DL.” But, DL is so broad. Some of my G-friends parent know about them. Some have str8 friends that know about them. Some regularly attend G events and don’t care who sees them. But, most of them don’t parade the G-ness. Almost all of them are secure with who they are. I have two friends that are “out.” I have mad love and respect for them. You will always hear me say that I really respect all of those who are public out, they have the guts to do what I don’t have or don’t want to have.

3. What is your favorite form of live entertainment?
I really enjoy the theatre. I don’t go as much as I want to. Ummm, I also love spoken word.

Rod asked

1. How goes your NAACP project?
I have e-mailed several community groups throughout the country, mostly on the East Coast. I haven’t received any responses, yet. Realistically, I think the best way to move forward from gangs is to try to get at-risk youth involved with something progressive. Not sure if I want to reinvent the wheel, but rather add an affiliate/chapter of a community oriented high school group in my area.

2. Tell us more about church.
Well, that’s a broad question. Honestly speaking I have overcome my struggle with God concerning my sexuality. My conclusion is that Jesus loves me. I don’t believe he feels that I’m living in sin. If my sexuality was a sin, he will forgive me. I don’t believe the black church should denounce someone’s sexuality. They should denounce sin in general. One thing I have found out during my spiritual quest, it’s truly how you PERSONALLY interpret the bible.

The black church has the potential to become the biggest progressive network of black people. It has the ability to secure economic empowerment, build housings, and create jobs and elected TRUE God-fearing elected officials.

3. What type of men are you attracted to and why?
Ambition is a complete turn on for me. Compassion, intelligence, spirituality, and social consciousness are all characteristics that lead to my attraction. I also expect this person to be humble, loving, submissive and aggressive.

Potential asked:

1. Do you miss me? I sure as hell miss you!

Yes, I do miss you. We needed to have the discussion that took place on Sunday.

2. Why do you think we have such this attraction toward each other.

See what type of men that I am attracted to. You possess all these qualities. You aren't perfect and neither am I, but we both are willing to work on some things to make it work.

3. Do you think we'll ever put our pride down enough to enjoy what we've built?

After our conversation my pride is down enought to enjoy what we've build. So, I guess only time will tell if we truly do put down our pride and make this work

brutha - free said..

1. What does “dl” mean to you?
My definition on dl has change tremendously in the last year. Right now, I think the term dl is a bunch of crap. (So why are you smilingdl? Because, at the time I thought DL meant discreet in general). DL right now means a lot of different things to many different people. I don’t label myself; I consider myself discreet with who has factual knowledge that I get down.

2. Do you think you will ever not be “dl”?

I don’t know. I’m very indecieve with making this decision. I want to tell the people who are close to me. A big part of me wants to say I won’t be “dl.” I’ve always been a private person when it came to relationships with men or women. So, I don’t’ think I’ll ever broadcast it, but hopefully I have enough courage to do everything I wanted to irregardless of what people do or say. Who knows what may come, while I search deeper on who I am.

3. What do you think is the purpose of life?
That’s a huge question. I have no idea. However, I do believe a big part of the purpose of life is self-discovery, which is on going. It seems like I’m not going to ever stop learning about myself. Each time I have an experience (good or bad) it gives me lessons to learn from.

Will asked

1. Why are you personally on the DL?
Well, I live my sexuality in FEAR. I have False Expectations Appearing Real. Because, I am gun ho about my career, I feel my sexuality will hinder me from succeeding. My low self-esteem plays a huge part of why I choose to live this lifestyle discreetly.

2. What motivates you?
I swear to goodness, I love seeing black people overcome obstacles. Don’t get me wrong, I can get jealous with the quickness. But, when I see someone that looks like me doing great things it inspires me to move forward. We have so many stories on how we became who we are today. That’s the main reason why I love reading autobiographies. I can truly put myself in other people situation and have compassion and respect for them.

This morning, one of my clients received a job and is now looking for an apt. People don’t recognize how hard it is in America. A brotha without education or skills has an extremely hard time surviving. I have and still am assisting him with his endeavors, when he moves on and I see him on the streets and those two words are spoken (Thank You!) He has motivated me more than he knows. I have had a couple of those experiences and they are true blessings.

3. Are you comfortable and at peace with the nature of your lifestyle- or are you seeking a bit more?
I am comfortable, today. It’s an on-going struggle that I will have because of the way society perpetuates BGM. The black community most of the time aren’t welcoming to SGL people. This drives me nuts, because it’s an unspoken thing in many families and circle of friends, and I’M APART OF THIS. I contemplate this a couple of times a year. I will contact all of my friends that get down and ask them what do they think about this or that.

What also gets on my nerves is when OUTed members of the community aren’t accepting to those who aren’t out. (And yes, this is VICE VERSA.) In general black people need to stick together because we all have to struggle in America. Therefore, the Black LGBT have two things that in common; their sexuality and race. It’s hard being a black man in America. It’s even harder being a Black G-Man. This whole thing about the DL is going on in the media, is pushing back people from coming OUT. People see the opinions of others at work, home, school and church.

I’m not sure if I would be accepted by the member of the OUTed community. I am happy that some blog members have given me advice and didn’t care or just didn’t give me the impression that I wasn’t one of the boys. There are some members in the blog community that I think read my blog from time to time, but never posted on my site. It leads me to believe that I’m not accepted among the men that share a common connection. This connection is more relevant than any other human connection. We have struggle through many similar struggles. Sometimes, I post on other bloggers sites and start with Brother. Brother for me is that we share something that no one else shares. Maybe this is my low self-esteem that wish these people said something.

Fact is, most of the men that I am really attracted to are OUT. The confidence and courage it takes for a black man to tell his “sexuality” is the strength I have/do desired. Is it happening? I don’t’ know where my road will lead.

The hardest thing for me is finding a different kind of acceptance in myself. I accept that fact that I like brothas. But, I don’t accept that fact that members of the community may not accept me for me. For me, its like I can play two games, which one should I play.

Good question!


1. What is your view on religion and the current gay lifestyle?
Well, I think I answered that through other questions.

2. Would you ever marry another guy if it became legal?
Honestly, I would. I believe the unconditional life-long love will give me the strength and most important security to do so. When I love or even like, I do it with all of my heart. And to have someone to bear witness on earth that I’ve been alive is a true blessing.

3. What would be the reaction of your parents/close friends to you Downlow status?
Frankly speaking, I don’t they would care. Right now, I’ve been considering telling one of my best friends, who is a girl, about me, this upcoming weekend. I have been talking about telling her for the past two years. And right now, I think its time. I know during the course of my life whether or not I become publicly out, my family and close friends will be told.

I don’t feel like re-reading all of this. Thank you to everyone that posted a question and comment. Oh yeah, thanks for the e-mails, they are appreciated as well. Stay Up!

ReEdit: Hey, I was just going through some of my archives and reading comments. THANK YOU! SERIOUSLY, THANKS YOU ALL FOR GIVING ME YOUR REMARKS! And for all the quiet people who view without saying wassup..... ummm.... I can't think of anything to say, LOL!

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