Friday, January 28, 2005

Make that change

I have problems, lol. I am extremely compassionate and sometimes emotional. One of my closest friends, Devon goes to school in the DC Metro area. He wanted to join an organization that I belong to. He has been seeking membership since last fall. Since the first week and January, my friends and I haven't heard from Devon. I've called him several times.

Early this week, I was worried because he would have told us if he was going through the process. Tuesday, I called one of the members from down there to find out what is going on. He didn't call back. I called one of my friends yesterday and he tells me that Devon just called him. He informs me that at an campus event some FagHag girl told the members of the organization that she had seen my boy at the Edge last year (DC get down club). I don't know the full story, but the members rejected his application for membership on the basis of what the girl said and I guess my boys defense.

After hanging up, I immediately tried to call Devon. No pick-up. I understood that he wanted to be alone. Most of our friends knew he wanted to join the organization. I cannot even imagine how he must feels. To be on a college campus as someone who is on "the low" and be expose. Why couldn't this B*#$h mind her own damn business?

Devon is apart of six men that I try to mentor. I'm closer with Devon because we both get down. Whenever I am on the verge of a huge breakdown, he is always the first person I call. He understands me like no other. He has faith in me, when I have self-doubt.

I really don't know what to do. I can't reach him. I know this is just the beginning of a bigger problem. A brother expose on campus. He is one of two friends that reads this blog, if you're reading, I LOVE YOU! CALL ME!

This made me mad. I also started to think about myself. What would I do if I was expose. To be honest, I probably would deny it until I was blue in the face. Devon's situation made me think about life. How life brings many unexpected changes.

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My mother called yesterday morning. I had a little attitude because she called while I was going to work. I don't know why I had an attitude because I speak to my mom every morning. She tries to monitor what I am doing. Moms was sensing the attitude and said, "you know what, you call me when you want to call me.. have a good day."

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Toward the end of the day, I was talking with the receptionist at my job. A woman that I assisted in putting her in school was on the public phone leaving a message. I overheard the woman say, "I don't have a number to give your right now... I'm homeless." Many of the people my job assist are going through financial difficulties. It doesn't matter how many times someone tells me that they are homeless, I want to cry. This sista is going to school and I just received her grades and she received nothing less than a B. Our people need soo much help. This triggered how thankful I am.
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As I left my work, I called my mother. She was quite surprise that I called her. Asked her how her classes where coming along. She giggled and ask if I wanted something. So, I go on and tell her, how she is appreciated. I think I blogged about it backed in December. My mother works full time, goes to college full time, takes my sister back and forth to work on a rotating schedule in addition to having raising an 17 year old son. She manages to have dinner on the table, makes sure my brother is feeling out college applications and get this she calls me everyday offering me help if I need it. My mother can piss me the f off. But, she has been the sole person that has been consistent in my time of need. I began to tear up on the phone because my mom is awesome. She is my motivation. I haven't told her, but I'm working on another fund-raiser for the battered womens shelter that we used to live. My friends and I are going to donate the money in her name. I hope someone will write her life story someday.

As I entered my apartment, I felt BLESSED. God has been so good to me. Although I go through my trials and tribulations, its seems that no matter how hard they are, I come out on top.

But, that's me. I come out on top. When my brothers and sisters can't get jobs, housing or food. I need to do more. I'm asking for that guidance to point me in the right direction.

Gandhi writes, "be the change you wish to see in the world."

Micheal sings, "if you want to make the world a better place you better look at yourself and make that change. "

Yes, Life does bring the unexpected, but its up to us to LIVE and LEARN. Some changes are good. Some are bad. But, "the only thing constant in this world is change." India.aire

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Got to pray just to make it today!

MC Hammer put it best, "you got to pray just to make it today!" Those words mean a whole lot right now.

School has just begun this week. Another semester and working full time among many other things. I'm really really tired. I've been trying to get my business together in addition to committing myself to something that will be extremely time=consuming, but gratifying for one the organizations I belong to.

Today, I also suffer from anxiety. I just feel bogged down with soo much stuff. I have soo many things going on. I am organized with it, however, when I started to think about everything it seems like bricks are flying from the sky.

My co-workers aren't helping me out. (80% of my co-worker are 40+) Sometimes, I feel like they treat me like a kid. When it comes to assignments being completed I'm usually the first one done. I have a wealth of knowledge to perform my job duties. Yes, I do read blogs, write entries and do some web surfing on my computer. But, I'm still doing the damn thing at my job.

I'm contemplating my business. Kinda weary because I don't want settle in this area. I would like to move to Boston, Chicago and DC to attend law school within the next five years. If the business booms, like I know it will, I may have to live here for the rest of my life.

ClayStarr, you see you're not alone!

I need a vacation. I already have plans for Memorial Day in Miami and the Essence Festival for the Fourth. That is too long. This is my last weekend as a free man until the end of March because of my commitment. Like Pinks sings, "I wanna run as fast as I can, to the middle of no where... face my fears..." you get the point.

So I pray.... PPRRAAYY, pray... PPRRAAYY.. I got to pray just to make it today.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Where is he now?

Potential Alert! Thats all I'm going to say. He is a dork just like me. Moving on...

Well, Brother ClayStarr and TheLoveHaters has been reminiscing who they would like to reconnect with if granted the opportunity. I began to immediately think of L.

I was a sophomore in college, I was on BP A LOT. At this time, I still haven't met anyone off the net. I began to talk to someone that lived around 30mins away from my hometown. We began chatting online which later progress to telephone. We exchanged pics and everything. He knew about everything I did everyday for around three months and vice versa. Believe it or not, L was signed on a major record company as a writer and artist. His album was pushed back, so he wrote on MANY artist albums. You would not believe the list if I told you.

I was excited from his ambition. Ambition is what attracts me the most in a lover. He worked almost seven days a week, sometimes all day, but he still made time to contact me. I remember many nights, we use to rent the same movie and push play at the same time on our VCRs. It was like we watching them together. His favorite movies was Waiting to Exhale, we watched this movie night after night. He dedicated Faith's song, "Kissing You," to me. To this day I start to tear up when listening to that song.

After a month into our "relationship," we made it official. He was "my first boyfriend." He was also the first man to say, "I love you." We use to say it all the time, throughout our conversation. It was better than slice bread. It was like tasting sweet potatoe pie for the first time. I believed with all my heart I loved him. FYI, we still didn't meet. We made arrangements to meet during winter break. As soon as I was going home, he had to fly to ATL then LA and then to Vegas to work on some more albums. Sad to say, I didn't get a chance to meet him.

I returned back to school disappointed. I was extremely active in several organizations as well as an internship. I took 18 credits that semester. I was busy. We still had our conversations but they were shorter and shorter. Sometime in February, he tells me that we can no longer be in a relationship together. We both began to cry. When I say cry, it was like losing the love of my life. L was the truth. We didn't want to remain in contact because we knew it would be too difficult.

I always buy cds and read everything on the CD. I began to see his name on albums that I bought. Almost two years later his album releases. I couldn't believe it. They change a lot of his profile like where he was from and his age, like they do many artists. I had a chance last year to see him at an event but decided not to. When I hear his songs, I remember when he used to sing to me.

It's weird seeing someone that you said those three word to and not even seen each other in person but see them on a damn billboard. I haven't told a soul who L was. From time to time, I try his BP account and it still says the account is closed. I guess its wishful thinking. I'm sure our paths will cross. Till then, I always remember the first time he said, "I love you."

Friday, January 21, 2005

Lovers and Friends

In my experience with having friends, former playmates, associates, crushes, internet buddies, or phone buddies, I have notice something that I would like to discuss: Lovers and Friends! More and more I realize that many people are all about the sex. Not just people in the lifestyle but everyone. I believe there are more encounters of causal sex in our MSM community. MSM is the political term that is supposed to categorize all men who sleep with men.
Since A4A has been around i'm sure more STDs and HIV have been transmitted. In 2005, people are still having unprotected sex. Not only are we having hook-ups in the community, we are sleeping with friends. Friends that we may think are HIV-, but we aren't for sure. These same friends that we have a one-night unprotected fling going on. I'm not saying our friends are HIV- on da low, but it can happen.
When I had a crew of friends that were on the low, I started to notice that it was a mystical triangle of people who slept with each other. It was an unspoken thing. Everyone in someway knew who slept with whom.
I think it is great when friends can become lovers. You really get to know the person for who they truly are before entering a relationship. I think about my friends who get down. Almost all of them have messed around with a friend.
I'm not going to be hypercritical. Last October, I was guilty of this. I guess when people share their hot intimate experiences with someone; this someone wants to know the real thing. My boy and I didn't have intercourse but we fooled around. We rarely mention it. We haven't told any of our friends.
Question: Can people be sexual lover and best friends?

Tonight, Tonight.. da da da da

Tonight, I graduate from this entrepreneur program I attended through Sept to Dec 2004. It was every single Saturday, so I'm glad its over. We have to make a speech, so I'm preparing for that. Many lenders will attend and I need to be memorable. I have several ideas for my business, which is very exciting. Our community needs economic empowerment. We need our own businesses, with the hope that we can create jobs.

In these economic times, our community is lacking jobs. Its ashame that our companies like Essence Communications and BET have sold their companies. Even website like blackvoices.com and africana.com. I'm going to get into this more on Monday.

If you interested in starting your own companies there are many new oppotunities that will provide assistance. Black People Its Time!

Don't have any plans after graduation, may goes see "Are we there, yet?" Don't have any big plans for the weekend beside Church on Sunday. I do feel I'm going through my spiritual healing. Peace!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Please Copy and Paste!!!

Southern University student found slain in his southeast Houston apartment Thursday had not been heard from since he was supposed to pick up a person (another male) he met in an Internet chat room earlier this week. He was beaten, shot in the back of the head and found wrapped in a sheet. His computer, TV and car were stolen. Everyone, lets not lose another person to internet chatroom attackers....If you Gay or Not, Please if you have to meet someone from online, DO IT WITH CAUTION!!! LETS NOT LOSE ANOTHER PERSON TO ONLINE CARELESS encounter. Read The Article @ http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/metropolitan/2992033 Pass To Friend, Be Informed

Hmmmmm, that's different

The internet is still not working at my home. So, this morning, I started to check my daily blogs, and then I wanted to see how many comments did I get from my latest entry. I knew it wouldn't be a lot, because I talked about my faith mostly. But, Dang, no comments. Did I mention my blog has been viewed over 50 times since I have posted my last blog?

One of the biggest thing I had about accepting getting down is how it relates to my relationship with God. Black MSM is everywhere. With the whole DL thing going on in the media no one really talks publicly about the MSM in the church. I went to church on Sunday and my dar was off the meter. I don't know why I mention this, LOL!

Really, I want to know how this lifestyle has related to your personal relationship with God, if you do have one? If you don't, do you feel that your lack spirituality has been altered because you get down?

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Empowerment - Reclaiming My Spirit

Friday night was interesting. I watched Mahogany, again. And I was writing my statement for the panel discussion at the same time. Billy Dee character states, "Looking out for number one, only leaves from for desegregation." I began to write. I timed my statement it was only supposed to be four, but it was ten, lol.

Throughout the night, I had some phone calls to go out and party, I wasn't in the mood. I did want to chill with some peeps. I was kinda lonely, and then I read some comments from my last post. I want to clarify. This blog is like therapy. I am able to write my thoughts at any given moment. I do have a good life. But, the last two weeks, I have been longing for someone I can share my time with intimately. Until....

The panel discussion was off DA CHAIN!!! I surprised myself. I was extremely articulate, the audience was given me the Amen and stuff. Reestablish some old contacts. My enthusiasm and passion was showing. Afterwards, I was asked to participate in several more programs and committees. At this time, I'm thinking I cannot over extend myself. School starts this week, I'm looking to move to a bigger place, and I know this is my first time mention this but I have been working towards starting a small business launching in August so I'm busy. I went to the video store rented four movies and chilled at home for the rest of the night.

At my grandfather's funeral, one of my cousins wanted me to visit his church. 7am Sunday morning, I'm preparing to go to church. I realized that my I don't know how to get there. Come to find out, my cell phone would not charge and something happen to the cable company in my building, so no internet. I had no source of finding out which way to go. I went on the subway, without the knowledge of knowing where to go. I asked four people, till finally someone told me where to go. God is soo good. I arrived at the service on time. I sat by myself and received a message that I though was personally for me. The pastor's sermon was about, "you can't do it alone." You know what, I can't. I needed to hear this more than anything. Many times, I take things on my own, attempting to be Mr. Independent when I need to depend on God.

As I was going home, I felt focus, determined and relieved. Destiny's Child song, "Through with love," is soooo true. "I finally find it in God. I have so much in my pass, for a love I always had. I found it in God." This journey like all journeys will be rocky. I still felt a little lonely, but it was a little different.

Yesterday, for Dr. King Day the church I attended Sunday had an Economic Empowerment Conference. Many dynamic speakers who taught and empowered over 200 black faces. I went by myself, but ended up seeing some familiar faces and sat with them. When I left the church, I knew I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Before going home, I headed to a museum for some jazz in remembrance of Dr. King and picked up a copy of Coach Carter.

Coach Carter was icing on the cake. The movie is based on a true story, which made it even more emotional. Our people need more people like him. Education is KEY!

This weekend was extremely empowering to my inner self. I am attending bible study tomorrow night as well as singing praises to him on Sunday.

My mojo is back.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Just one of those day, that a.. MAN goes through, lol

The party last night was a lot of fun. Lobby is a new spot in da city, which is attempting to attract the handsome 20ish men of color of New York. It was great seeing Red and a couple of my boys from back in the day.

I went with my roll dawg, Shawty. Everyone I knew asked if that was my boy friend. Damn, can a brotha have a friend, lol. It was really funny because is Shawty one of my closest friends. He rarely comes with me to black house parties or clubs because he is obsess with latin bruhs, so no one has seen him with me before last night.

Anyway, Red and I spoke near the bathroom about our newest successes and failures. Like I said before Red and I are barely in contact, but every time we come together its like we're best friends. I hope this year, we get to hang out a little more. Oh, did I mention, he has a lot of cute friends. Really didn't try to get with anyone. I get pump before I get to the club to approach someone. When I finally arrived at the club, I can not approach anything. It's really funny.

I decided to go to work late. A brotha had a little hangover. As I'm waiting for the subway, I begin to think who can I call. Right now, I have no prospects. Had a couple of people that I have been chatting with but I'm not looking forward to pursue anything, except of one of them. So, again, loneliness struck, it's a friday night and I have no plans. There are parties to attend, but I'm in the mood to camp out on my living room floor and watch movies till I fall asleep. It will be another blockbuster night by myself. I hope I am not tempted to go on the chat line.

The group that is sponsoring the panel discussion has just confirmed that a noted Congressman that I have followed since high school will be on the panel as well. I'm excited and nervous about tomorrow. I have a lot to say about Dr. Kings Dream. Plus, I would love to work for this Congressman.

I hate that feeling when you feel ALL ALONE. Feeling Celine's All by myself... don't want to be. Shyt sucks!!! The first guy that I ever danced with is Red's ex. We remained friends after the tragic break up. I saw him and his new lover around since last summer. They are both attractive young black businessmen doing the damn thing. I admire their relationship, but on the same token I envy that.

I may have to stop listening to John Legend, to much talk about love. And as much as I love "ordinary people," I have no one to take it slow with. Best Man and A Color Purple awaits to be seen for the millionth time.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

I have to network in 2005

Damn computers. I hate when I type my blog and copy and paste and the shyt erase. It happened twice. Dammit.. lol.
Crazy-ass butterflies where in my stomach as I arrived at Penn Station. When I finally approach the spot where we met, I was struck with confidence. I looked great, smile was tight and I had my favorite cologne on.
He called me and tell me I just walked passed him. We shooked hands and smiled. He looked a lot older in person. He was attractive, but a couple seconds after we greeted each other I notice something. This dude had on dirty clothes. Not like the bum on the streets, but he had spots in his clothes and hat.
I'm big on first impressions. Even on the first AIM message, e-mail, in person, etc. I believe it can portray an everlasting impression. I wanted to work with Smooth, but damn. I didn't care if he shopped at K-mart or Conway. They vibe wasn't there. We went out for Chinese and we didn't even look right together. He asked me, "If I could find him a job. He would do anything right about now." WOW! What the fuck happen to selling your show to a major network." Do not get me wrong. I am very compassionate, but damn. I was trying to work with him, but how is someone I just met asked me for a job.
I was disappointed, not at him, but at myself. I anticipating the meeting a little to much. This has happen before. Oh well!!! I went home alone, like every damn night, and began working on research for my panel discussion on Saturday. I've been watching one of my favorite movies, Mahogany, and had to shut it off when Billie Dee says, "Success is nothin without anyone to share it with." To much to think about.
Like DC feels, I'm not through with my search for love, but I am going to find it in God. Sunday, I will attend church service and strive to recommit myself to him. And like Yolanda Adams blows, "...and ask you for you guidance. Don't let me make the same mistakes..."
Last year, was a year of experience and personal growth. As I continue to grow, I hope I use my experience to make better decision in my personal life. It is funny how many things I do career-wise, education or organizations, but my own personal life is complicated and undetermined.
The first guy, RED that ever knew about me, has invited me to his B-day Bash at Lobby tonight. Haven't been there, but hopefully I can meet someone. Red met one of my friends at the premiere of Noah's Arc in August. They have been seeing each other since then, and recently told me over the holiday. I wasn't surprise, because after the McGreevey Scandal I wasn't a good friend to either. They are both good guys but never seen them going together. Don't know why I mention this... But, I do hope that I get to know one of Reds friends. Shyt, it’s getting tiring doing the weeding out over the Internet. I am going to do some serious networking. Who knows, may find someone at Church, lol.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Its on tonight!!!

Smooth and I had our lunchtime conversation. I hate when things begin like this, constant contact throughout the day. I tend to get use to having someone. I guess where are in the infatuation stage the John Legend talks about, lol. But, we haven't met yet. Who does this? I told him, "I was fighting my sleep last night, while I was talking with him.

Smooth has insisted on meeting tonight. He just wants to meet up, just for a few minutes. At first, I didn't want to meet tonight (hair cut day is Thursday.) We decided to meet at Penn Station to speak for a while. Still haven't told him where I work, which is a ten-minute walk from his apt. Don't want a stalker if it doesn't work out. Shyt will suck if we don't like each other. Whenever I EXTREMELY anticipate something my stomach aches. Right now, I'm hurting, may have to go home early.

Keeping the Faith

Thanks for all of the encouraging words on my last blog. I took sometime to reflect on what I wrote and your comments.

Wednesday afternoon, I received a phone call from someone I use to talk on the phone with over the summer. I forgot why we stopped talking. We updated each other with new things going on in our lives. We spoke again for four hours on Thursday night. We made arrangements to have a blockbuster night on Friday at my crib. I was kinda excited, just to spend some downtime after new years and the funeral at my apartment with someone.

During my lunch break, I called to make sure we were still on. No answer. I called immediately after I walked out of my office. No answer. After I visited my other grandfather. I called once more. No answer, at this time, I started to get upset and worried at the same time. This brotha always picks up within the first two rings no matter what time a day. When I get home I cleaned up my apartment and took a long shower. I called again around 7:30, he says, "I'm in choir rehearsal, I didn't know I had it tonight. I'll call you afterwards." By 10:30, apartment is spotless; I lit a couple of candles and reading Keith Boykin's new book. I called one more time and left this message, "I remember why we stopped talking. Every time we set a date to meet up, you stood me up. Lose my number." (click!)

This year, I want to be more optimistic than last year. My heart harden in 2004. In 2005, I want to put my faith in someone who has potential.

So, a boring night at home on a Friday, I decided to go on the chat line just to talk. After 15 mins on the line, I went one-on-one with someone from my hometown (FYI - I work in the same area). We will call him, Smooth. He tells me that he is 26, scruffy and unemployed. Darn. I continue to talk because sometimes people are in a slump, attempting to speed ahead. As our conversation gets a little deeper. We exchange numbers and hung up from the chat line. He decides to send me his pictures. I viewed them and was in awww. The brother was definitely not scruffy. He told me that he wanted to be honest with me. The next half hour this brother informs that he is 37 has a daughter, two years younger than me, and a grandson. (By the way, I'm 24.) I didn't mind that he was older. His age didn't bother me at all. But, I was truly in disbelief. If Smooth had said that he was 19, I would have believed him. After a three-hour conversation we decided to go to this spoken word spot on Sunday.

I spent the whole day with one of my best friends on Saturday. Throughout the day, Smooth and I must have spoken over ten times. I find out that he is Host of a local cable variety show that he is in the process of selling to a major network. He also informs me of several things he is involved in. At this time, Smooth is looking mighty potential.

Saturday evening I went to a housewarming that lasted till 7am in the morning. I had a whole lot of fun playing this game I think called Cranium. My best friend recently had an abortion and was sick on Sunday. I called Smooth to ask if we can postpone our date around 3. He told me that he would call me right back he was on a business call. Smooth called me as soon as I get home and I hear in his voice that he is upset. I asked him if he is mad at me. He says, "I'm mad at myself for putting faith that you were different from other guys." DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!

I told him I didn't want to give him excuses. But, I eventually explain the situation and he tells me those are excuses. I begin to think how am I going to resolve this situation. He continues to say he's mad at myself. After 20mins of frustration, I start to think; maybe we aren't for each other. I really had to take care of my friend as soon as the housewarming ended. I was dead tired. I told Smooth, "I'll talk to you some other time."

Smooth: "Why"
Me: "Because I was feeling you as much as you say you are feeling me. I'm not perfect, but I did hope that you would be more understanding."
Smooth: "You know what, I do understand. I was really anticipating meeting you all day. Lets start over."

I'm happy, yet reluctant because I'm not sure if these misunderstanding episodes will continue. We spoke for a while afterward. I felt a lot better and I learned even more about him.

Yesterday, I get a phone call on my cell at work. It's him. Kool-Aid Smile. He told me, he wanted to leave a message to say, "have a great day and I'm thinking about you." It is little stuff like that, that can get me open. Again, we spoke late into the night.

Smooth and I haven't scheduled another meeting. I'm guessing I am waiting for him to plan something. Unfortunately, my DC friend aunt died over the weekend. He will be out of town next weekend. So, no MLK DC weekend this year. On a brighter note, I was asked to replace someone for a panel discussion: 30 Years After Dr. King's Death, Where are we and where are we going? Very exciting!! I'll probably tell Smooth to come see a brotha at work.

John Legend CD is in stores NOW! Off The Chain! I am a official John Legend Groupie!

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

To be or not to be... that is the question

Dealing with this sexuality, comes in waves. There are moments when I'm feeling proud. While there are other times, when I am ashamed.

I grew up in an urban area. I always felt I was different. Throughout my whole life I have had leadership positions in numerous groups. From President of Student Government to State Youth Advocate of the Year. My life's goal was to be happy and make a difference in this world. I had my first sexual experience with a man at the age of 15. I didn't think anything of it. Until the end of my freshman year, my roommate started a relationship with a girl. We had a true friendship, but I liked him in a different way.

Blackplanet.com helped me deal with my sexuality issues. I developed two online relationship with men who were accomplished and "dl." They taught me how to accept my sexuality. They also informed me that there were many men that did get down that were successful and masculine. This reassured me that I wasn't the only one.

The summer of 2000, I learned a lot about Life. I developed a relationship with someone from the net. We didn't even meet and we were telling each other, "I love you." I thought with all my heart, I loved this dude. In the course of our three-month relationship, I was on cloud 9. Friends at home and school notice the difference. I spent many nights in my single room waiting for this dude to call me, cause I didn't have a cell. One day, I called his college door and someone answers the phone. The man told me to leave Danny alone and he was his boyfriend. I immediately sent him a note on bp, explaining how I felt. He quickly responded and told me it was true. I cried. Broken-hearted.

A couple months afterwards, we were best friends. Called each other everyday. Shared what our new experiences or new men in our life. He couldn't explain why he led me on. He told me he talked with many people from the net. We still had not met. I entered my sophomore year with four leadership positions and had to focus on school.During my sophomore year winter break, I returned home and went on my first date with a man. We went to Mars 2112 and to a movie. This also marks the first time I met anyone online. Before meeting him, I like him very much. We enjoyed a winter evening and I never called him again. I panic. I thought this was too much for me. That men should not go on date or have relationships. This is at the same time, that all I wanted was to hold a man and be held by a man. I felt bad that, but I kept it moving.

I chatted with many men from a cross the country. Young and old. Poor and rich. Lawyers and the unemployed. Greeks and high school drop outs. I realize that I wasn't the only one out there that lived this same life. I wasn't sexually active. I did absolutely nothing. Well, some phone fun, lol. And it was that moment on the Internet that I... forget it.

2001, a year that I began to accepted that fact I liked men. The company that I interned for gave me tickets to a concert. I invited one of my closest friends, Deborah. Afterwards, I drove her home and told her I had to tell her something. I could not say it, because I never said it aloud before. On a napkin I wrote, "bi" and she read it and asked what does this mean. And I gave her a look and she says, "I can't believe this, its ok with me. I still love you." She asked some detail questions, but I didn't respond. She was the first person I ever told and didn’t know how to react.

A month later, a college friend from a nearby school told me that he knew about me. This person, I always felt was messing around since freshman year. So, I told him I know he gets down. And our friendship became very close. He was my mentor/advisor. He knew everything that was going on in my life. Today, we aren't that close, but he is the sole person that I trust with all the negative things that I have gone through. Well, two weeks after our talked, he took me to my first get down club. We traveled over four hours to go to the Brooklyn cafe. On the line, I nearly cried and fainted. His boyfriend danced with me for a lil. I looked all over this club, and was like DAMN. All of these black and latino men. Masculine men. I felt relieved and insecure. It took me 16months to enter another get down club.

This is getting kinda long. So in 2002-2003 I met a couple of people. Had a few short-term relationships. Told no one, except the dl people that got down at school. Didn't do too much because I had many things going on with my organizations at school. I began to notice that my black men that held leadership positions at several schools nearby ALL WERE IN DA LIFE. Now I felt, it was ok to like men, just as long as no one str8 knew about it.

Since Bp, I have/had 4 strong internet friendships. After four years of chatting, February of 2004, I met one of these men. We quickly became close friends. March, I had a break down in regards to my weight. I began to hit up the gym. I went to a get down club for the first time in 13 months. I enjoyed it. I never knew I was FAT. Seriously, I am very far from obese. I am attractive, but I did have a stomach. I started going more frequently.I began chatting with someone new, Walt in April. He was everything I wanted. We finally exchanged picks and we chatted less and less. When it came time to meet, he was always busy. I remember breaking down at the mall, and running out, because I was upset that he didn’t' like me because of my weight. I cried on the phone with a friend. Constantly asking him, "why?"

I'm a very determine person. I'm confident with many aspects of my life. But, when it comes to men, I don't know how to respond or feel. (at this time) After him, I spoke to my boy who took me to my first club. He told me you need to go out and meet people. If I chatted with someone from online, begin as friends. This was the best advice I could ever get.

I started to lose weight. Right now, I lost 54lbs and counting. I had a great summer. Had some flings. Promoted at work. Settled in my own place. Felt great about myself.

Keith Boykin has been featuring some of our young black educated men. A couple of weeks ago, he featured someone that I've chatted with online and on the phone. This person during his summer visit was supposed to stay with me. I freaked. I didn’t want an openly gay man to know me personally as a man who likes men.

When the McGreevy story hit, I totally freaked out. Stopped many relationships I have online and personally with people who knew about my sexuality. I have a couple of goals that I feel being openly gay can prevent me from obtaining them.

My family does not know about my sexuality. Nor do most of my close friends. So, I build a sector of my life with everything that dealt with my sexuality, which has spread in 2004 to every part of my life, including family and church.

I do not know what tomorrow brings, but the past has brought pain and joy. Today, I know about myself than every before. I have experience tremendous growth. Today, I am striving towards the man I ought to be.

But, I struggle. Struggle with the thoughts with being alone for the rest of my life. I struggle from the desire to be with a man for the rest of my life. I struggle to have a successful career in the public life while keeping my male relationships at home. I struggle with the thoughts of having kids that have my genes. I struggle because I am nervous when looking at the man in the mirror. I struggle because I am a single gay black man.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

2005 New Years!

My family insists that I attend the New Years Party that I have been anticipating the last couple of weeks. Thursday was a stressful day. The promoter of the party decided to send out an e-mail informing attendees that they cannot wear jeans. Unfortunately, I solid black denim pants and wasn't going to take the chance of being turned away from a party I paid $100.

Rush back to Bloomingdales to exchange the pants for something suitable for the party. I couldn't find a thing. Rush to the mall, found pants from banana. Still no shoes! I went home to try the pants with my blazer and shirt. WHY, lol. The pants were missing a button. So, Friday morning, I'm a little stress. Went back to the mall, exchange the pants and went to Aldos and found a great pair of shoes.

I was kind of nervous because I was attending a new years party without personally knowing anyone. Back in June, one of my frat brothers from DC hit me up on Adam. We had a internet friendship going which turned into phone peeps. He told me about the party and I wanted to go. We kept missing each other. When he was in NYC, I was someplace else. And when I was in DC in Nov. I was too busy to meet him.

At 6pm, I get off the subway and checked my voicemails. My frat tells me to call him immediately. He says, "they overbooked the party, so people who have to pick up tickets are first come first serve. People will be turned away." Now, I'm pissed cause my best friend is having a New Years Eve party in the UWS and I wanted to stop by before I got to the party. Plus, this party supposedly was truly grown and sexy, so why must my people f@#$ stuff up.

Very suave, I strolled into the party around 8:30. The hotel was awesome. I went straight to the bar and order the first of eight long islands. The men and women looked off the chain. I killed it, LOL. Around a half hour later, someone yells out my frat call. (I forgot to mention, my frat and I never exchanged pics. It never came up.) He’s fly. It was very awkward at first because it was my first time meeting him. We had been talking almost every day during the month of December. Before meeting him, I knew we would be long-term friends.

Around 10pm, I was jamming with his friends. I had so much fun. The women were about to get it. I had to take it back to my roots, LOL. It was nice to be surround by over 500 young black people who were college educated and bound for many successes.

I left at 3:15. I tried for almost 30mins to catch a damn cab. I hate being drunk by myself in the subway. End up taking the subway to my Girl best friend on the upper west side. After arriving 20mins, my LB tried to jump my Guy Best friend over some petty shyt. So, after the police, my G-BF parents yelling, ambulance and hospital visit I finally went to sleep around 9am. Damn, I'm still tired from the weekend.

That evening I treated my frat to a step show and Rockwells. Rockwells is definitely a small place that is always packed on weekends. But Saturday it was ridiculous. To the point, I didn’t even reach the dance floor. To my surprise, I wasn’t nervous posting up near the bar. Usually if I go to get down clubs, I try stay in the corner so I know who is in the club. My frat was a little nervous cause he barely goes to clubs.

I don’t think I’ll be clubbing much in 2005. I rather start meeting new people and possibly host a get down spades night. Hopefully, I’ll be ready sometime this year.

Crazy weekend. One thing is for sure I gained a new friend.

I made plans to spend MLK Weekend in DC with Frat.

Oh, during my grandad passing and my New Years Stress, baby-daddy has really been calling trying to console me. Even yesterday, called before and after the funeral. Seems like he will be a friend after all.

Closure

My grandfather's funeral was held yesterday. I couldn't believe that this was D-day. Surprisingly, the day went by very well. Driving in my grandfather's Yukon by myself, I started thinking of many memories I had with him. I told myself I wasn't going to cry. As soon as I viewed his body and sat down the tears kept coming. I left and went into the car, had a great cry! Went back inside the church. That held me up for a hour.

Everything was the same day: the wake, Masonic ritual, service, Veteran ritual and burial. It was a long and draining day. During the service, I gave a little speech about love. I felt closure at my grandfather’s homegoing. After the burial, I told my father I loved him and truly meant it. I don't have the greatest relationship with my dad. I'll probably blog about it later this year, but I'm working on knowing him better. (2005 - focus on loving my family and friends)

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