Forgave and forgiven.. now what?
Yesterday, I cried!
Yesterday, I cried unto the Lord. Yesterday, I cried for forgiveness. Yesterday, I cried for strength. Yesterday, I cried for self-assurance. Yesterday, I cried for stability. Yesterday, I cried to forgive.
Yesterday, I forgave every man and woman that has taken pieces of my heart. I have carried the burden of having my heart stolen, kicked, punch, stabbed, and lynch. I allowed all of that to happen. This burden created a guard in me that rebukes some my blessings or even someone special. The guard that most black men possesses.
Something told me not to go to Mass. this pass weekend. Since I had my car, I found myself Friday and Saturday going to different places by myself. I didn't have my normal depress attitude about being lonely. I just lived. Much like I always have. Realizing that I have come this far by faith. I've been through a lot more turmoil that I haven't even touched on this blog.
Sunday, I woke up and made a play list with some of my gospel favorites, as I was getting ready for church. I notice something new on two songs.
1. "Never Give Up," by Yolanda Adams.
She sings, "Never give up, Never give up on You." That you is very powerful and just discovered. Lately, I've been feeling like just giving up. Giving up on love. I think about giving up on my ambitions and solely devoting myself to my community and the church. But, I desire much more than that. This song reminds me to never give up on ME. I've definitely have hurtles to jump that will stand in my way, but, like most track and field athletes have to train to successfully jump over those hurtles, I have to do the same thing. I have to train my spiritual being and allowing the spirit to guide me.
2. "Jesus Love Me," performed by Whitney Houston on the Bodyguard Soundtrack produced by Bebe Winans
Towards the end, she riffs, "Sometime I'm LONELY but never ALONE, because the bible tell me so." I forget this all the time. I eat out, watch TV, lay down all by myself feeling lonely, but not looking on the bright side that I'm not alone. Forgetting that I am loved unconditionally and He is with me through my journey towards TRANSFORMATION. The transformation that I write about is the changes I'm making in my life from learning through my practical experiences.
Realizing that through my wire, I am a SURVIVOR. I have to remind myself of where I've been. Standing venerable and insecure in the rain and some severer storms, I have always seemed to prevail over all of those obstacles. The many storms that have came my way, has brought me many rainbows of joy and true happiness.
At a young age, I always had a PLAN for everything. I have many long-term plans, that I don't exactly know will pan out they way I foresee them. Honestly, it seems most of my successes have come through alternative routes. I love to go with the flow, but most of the time I have to lead everything, when sometimes I just want to follow. And now, I need to trust and believe and follow the one up above.
My mother raised me to acknowledge that everything I do comes with some type of consequence. This brings up my fear of FAILURE. I'm frightened and scared that I will fail all of the big things I want to do in life. As I vastly approach the launch of my business, I'm frightened that this won't propel the opportunity I anticipate. I'm a little scared I will backslide for my new church home and forget how bless I am. It's happen before, but now, I pray for his strength.
My PRIDE brings me the most agony. I rather keep my mouth shut or post rather than tell people how I truly feel about certain things. I'm not a yes man. But, a man who choices to over analyzed certain things rather than get them out there in the open. This has prevented relationships on my part and the other person part, mainly talking about my situation with Potential. This is our black man syndrome of now saying how we feel and acting upon it.
A lot of the time, I don't feel WORTHY of what I have or can have. I shout, praise and worship him. I am truly thankful for everything. Far too often, I feel unworthy of his blessings he gives to me. Having the tendency of putting other people in front of me has indwelled in me for years. I need to become selfish. Selfish to the point when I can say NO and feel good doing it. Knowing when I need to think about myself, rather than family, friends, work, and many organizations. Give myself LOVE. I've been avoiding a look at myself for the past two weeks. (except for Sunday, brotha took out a three piece suit, looking fly, lol.) Self love will give me the strength to know I'm worthy of being loved from my family friends and God.
Donnie McClurklin (I don't agree with his stance with SGL) put it best, "For a Saint is just a sinner who fell down and got back up." Right now, I'm going though the challenge of this substantial endeavor. I'm going to try not to complain, but rather discuss what I'm going through.
3 Questions, I hope to post the responses tomorrow. Hey, if you're reading this, ask me a question! My blog was viewed over 200 times over the weekend and I only have five people asking questions. I don't bite.
So, I pray that..
As I TRANSFORM , I will SURVIVE without having a specific PLAN because I'm will not be afraid to FAIL. With the right amount of PRIDE to know I'm Worthy of all of my blessings that will shine though.