Thursday, May 26, 2005

ummmm, yeah

Yesterday, I had a huge event that I've been planning for the past couple of weeks. It was suppose to start at 6:00 sharp. Well, we know how black folks are when it comes to time. But, by 6:15 we had a back house and folks still were coming during the duration of my event.

A lot of thing fell apart on monday and tuesday. The moderator had to cancel at the last minute. Four panelist canceled. The people that were suppose to assist me, weren't returning phone calls. And all I could say is, "Thank you, Jesus." I knew everything would be ok. I'm on vocation as of Wednesday. So, the whole morning, "the man, up above," worked miracles. Redd can tell you, I know how to hold an event.

The event brought together a lot of people that disliked each others. People like the Nation of Islam, clergy, youth groups, elected officials, etc. I was soo geeked. Yo, my kool-aid smile was full of sugar. This energy filled the room and people were ready to work, NOW! A couple of folks called afterwards and said it was true blessing to have those people together. I'm in the process of having these people work but most important educated.


Since I'm on vocation, my family thinks it's my time to help them. The only one, I helped today is Grandmama. Grams, who is my homegirl, and I went to throw some stuff out of her storage. We are both pack rats. And its hard for us to let stuff go.

She is a retired teacher and had soo many brand new supplies like paper, rulers, folders, etc. She gave me most of them to donate for an org I help out and that can really use some of the teacher stuff she gave me.

She had soo many pics of me when was younger. I was thinking, "dag, I've been cheesing (smiling) since birth. Even last Saturday, my friend, Christine said, "damn, Smiling you still cheesing." For real, no4real4real, LMAO. You should see me know, i'm really laughing out loud.

At church, on sunday, again Sweet-behind Kool-Aid smile, I forced everyone I said good morning to, to put on a smile. If I don't smile, i feel I look mean, mostly because of how my eyebrows are arched (NO, I don't get them done). Enough of that crap.


I peaced it out with you know who. He really is 15mins away from me. We are going to an art show opening for one of my friends at a local gallery tonight. So, now I'm working at my second J.O.B. ready for a Long Island Tea and some (ummm, yeah LOL.) ((It ain't happening)).

Oh, one more thing... I been on men4now for the past two weeks. Oh my goodness, that site is worst than adam. It will have you doing something bad when the sun goes down.. and sometimes while the sun is coming up. Not that I know about this, of course not. I was looking for BBB pics, lol.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Let's Make A Deal

Well, y'all know that I'm getting over you know who. I wish these emotions where like a light switch. Just by a flick, you can shut it on and off. But, unfortunately, it is a gradual process to fully get over someone. Well, I'm far from there, still doing me... just reminesing on some things. One of my boys sent me this poem, that I could have written, (if I was a poet like EMO). It's how I feel, right now. (Caution: If you are in a good mood, do not read this poem, LOL.)

Let's Make A Deal

You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

Your forgive me for being to pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.

Forgiveness bring inner peace.
Do we have a Deal?

By: LLanders

OH MY GOODNESS, Ain't this poem the truth!

Aiight, nothing depressing for a week, LOL!


Another blogthing Stolen

I seen Bernie and Rashid's blog today and it had this on it.

Well, after you take the survey they give you the keys to your heart.. this is mine

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Monday, May 23, 2005

Greatest Love of All

Last Monday morning, one of my High School mentors passed away. He is someone I greatly admired for fighting against the board of education while employed by them. I was completely shocked and dismayed, because I just seen this man the Friday before and he seemed in good health. He told me that Friday, "I'm glad your still doing your thing, our people need you."

I attended a United Negro College Fund and a National Council for Negro Women event last week. At both events, I seen people that I haven't seen in a couple of months and for some years. They were all commending me on continuing my passion.

Even at the wake for my late mentor, there were over 1,500 people. Many of whom, I haven't seen since I graduated. It was great that I was able to informing of some of the things I'm working on, in addition to seeing how I can keep in touch with them. Again, they delivered proud smiles, because they contributed to the person I'm becoming.

On Saturday, my congressman's "people," contacted me on a state-wide black issues meeting on the upcoming election. It was very productive and a little intimidating. After the meeting, a member of the State Legislature greet me by name (which I was surprise because I haven't seen him since the Summer of 2003.) And asked me where have I've been, lol. I told him, I've been experiencing life trials and tribulations.

My best friend, G, graduated last sunday, we had a surprise Graduation party for him on Saturday night. I seen a lot of old friends that I haven't seen in a while. We shared updates on each other's life. And it was great to take notice that we are becoming adults.

My blogaversity post, WOW, we made history. Twenty-six comments! I wasn't expecting that! That's a whole lot of love.

My reason to point all of this out, (it is not to brag, punks, LOL) is because of reaffirmation it has given me. So, many times I believe people, especially those who are young and single, ask ourselves, "Am I somebody? What am I'm doing with my life? What must I do next? If I die today, what will people think of me." Last week, I felt the way I'm suppose to feel all of the time, Blessed!

Yesterday, the youth minister of my church preached on how God doesn't want us to fear anything because he tells us he will never leave or foresake us. He went on to preached about the past and how it's ok to be disappointed or frustrated. He asked my congregation, "Do you how far your come?" So many times, we don't take a look back on how bad we had it. How despite the hardship that has crashed on our path, we manage to climb over it. Giving us the strength to battle the next obstacle.

"Stronger than yesterday/ Now it's nothing but my way /My lonliness ain't killing me no more (well it aint killing me, but you know...)/ I'm stronger"
The places I was at, the comments on my blog, and the many smiles that were given to me last week, and certainly the man up above has given gave me strength. I really don't need anybody to play games with me. All of my trial and tribulation are surrendered to God and together we will claim greatness for me.
"We come this far, by faith/ Leaning on the Lord/ Trusting in his holy word/ He never failed me, yet.
Ohh Ohhhh, Ohhhhh, he never failed. He never failed me, yet."
Gospel Hymm
I was just thinking about soo many things. Looking back on many obstacles that have stood in my way, but somehow managed to persevere. Have you ever really, I mean, recount the bad times you may have endeared and how you managed overcome successfully? Well, if you do, you know that you have power to do all things.
"The power touches me/ the power helps us see/ The power holds my hand/ yeah the power drives me crazy"
With this power, you have to realize that people that pass you by day by day has the power as well. We never know what a person is gone/are going through. And unknown author said, "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smalest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." We must be NICE, you'll never know what blessing that will bring.
In short, most noble blogger, I don't hesitate to articulate, because I will deviate from who Smiling was yesterday. And...
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
at least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest Love of all
I found the greatest Love of all
Inside of Me
Grand finale, lol
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Do You Know What Today Is....

It's My 1 year Anniversary of BLOGGING!


Dang, I can't believe it's been a whole year since my blog began. As I went through the entire blog, to determine my top post, I just was a little baffled at how much has come and gone. More so, on my original intent of this blog was to talk about being on the so-called "dl." Since February, I haven't dedicated a post on battling being in this life; instead I'm living My in Tha Life.

One thing that has stayed consistent was the thoughts of change, it will always come about and how we inject the change will determine if it will digest into our system positively or negatively. This blog has given me the opportunity to express some thoughts that I haven't shared with those close to me. In addition, allowing myself to get comments and advice from people from different walks of life. It's definitely free therapy.

Some blogging moments that I'll never forget.

1. When Clay added me to his links. He was the first one to do so. Shyt, it took me to december for folks to comment on my site.
2. When I told Larry about my blog way back last May.
3. When TheLoveHater added me to The Loved Ones, his advice is outstanding!
4. When Frank told Redd about my blog. Redd didn't know, LOL.
5. The comment j.brotherlove left me on this post
6. The first time I spoke with someone on the phone about my blog. (ain't gonna say who)
7. The first time I read some of Emotional Brotha's poetry/spoken word.
8. And who can forget about the first time they read Bernards page.

It's so funny, cause for a little while I could even say I was addicted. I mean I would do things and immediately think, I'm going to blog about this next. Now, with so many bloggers its hard to keep up, but I do, cause Redd and I have to compare notes, lol. It's also funny that I have posts with the same names such as Cross My Mind and Everything is Everything.

Well, I tried to keep it at 10, but as I read my stuff, i was like dang, you go boy, LOL! So, here are my top posts.

1. My first one, it introduced me.
2. My Pride vs. Shame post spoke about who was the man I appreared to be.
3. I love me post
4. Forget about explain each post, i'm just gonna post the titles, lol. Don't You No No Good.
5. Living My Life Like It's Golden
6.This is my favorite post because it tell my story in the life up until 2004. And my story has double because of the many new experiences I have shared on the blog. Like going to conf., semiceleb g-life b-day house parties, and next week pride, whoa, that's serious, LOL. Well the post is To be or not to be... that is the question
7. Empowerment - Reclaiming My Spirit
8. Make that Change
9. Black Masculinities Conference and then the next post when Frank told Redd, LOL!
10. When Madea spoke to me, let me tell y'all it was a serious convo.
11. When I forgave all of those people that hurt me in the past
12. When I answered the questions, gave me a change to expose myself.
13. Here it is again, my penny with a hole in it post. My thoughts of love.
14. One of my highlight of the year, after attending a party, I knew I was On My Way.
15. After a very brief hiatus, I returned with my Manifesto. Let me tell you, I needed to read that today, because you know I'm trying to get over someone.

Well, it ended up being 15. I'm excited that I know how to do that html thing. Y'all dont have to read it, but if your bored, take a look of my year of blogging.

I have a special request for all of y'all reading leave a comment.
I would like to gather 20 comments.
It has never been done on
Let's make history!

So, yeah, I'm still smiling as much as I did 365 daysago! And will continue to do so for another year!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Everything is Everything

Enough of that sad crap. Like Redd said, I'm too fly for that, lol. I know I'm going to end my friendship with Potential at least until I'm totally over him. Deep down I know he isn't the one for me.

I'm so happy school is over for the summer. Although, I'm working a second job now, I can throw myself into my small business and strengthen my community involvement (hopefully not adding anything new.) Next wednesday, I'm having a huge Stop the Violence Forum, this forum is different because all of the panelist are teenage.

Many community leaders and elected officials have confirmed, I'm just trying to spread the word so the facility will be packed. I thought its important to listen to teenagers on this issue, because gang violence starts at their age (from what I've read statics are showing more and more are starting at the age 10, as look outs for drug dealers.) Our youth will probably know what are the best prevention programs we can plan for them. I have an excellent moderator in store that will bring forth the history of gangs.

Most people don't know the Bloods and Crips grew out of the Black Power Movement of the 1960s. Tookie williams, the dude Jamie Foxx played in the USA Network movie "Redemption," aka co-founder of the Crips, at the start was a teen activist, orginally seeking to emulate the social services of the Black Panther Party. They have changed drastically since then. But the onus is still on the community.


Unfortunately, I'm not going to Miami for memorial day, because my friends waited to the last minute to book a room and south beach is all booked up. So, I may go with Redd and his boo to DC and hopefully see Brother Clay and TLH. Although, there haven't been any hang ups on how I get down. I'm uncertain if I'm ready for my first Pride. I'm probably going to go anyway, at least for a day or two. I have six days off next week and a brotha need to get out of the new york area.

Oh yeah, I read on a couple of sites.. they are trying to get Beyonce, Usher, Eddie Murphy and Jamie Foxx for the remake of Dream Girls. That would be outrageous! Especially if you could get them on Broadway. The only things, why couldn't a brotha write the screenplay and direct it... cause you know the money they make off this movies is not coming to us... but thats another topic for another day.

Please check out another positive brother's blog Shek. No more new bloggers, a brotha has to work! LOL

Monday, May 16, 2005

When it hurts so bad

Why does it feel so GOOD ~ Great Philosopher Hill

I'm sure you have read about me referencing Mariah's Circles. Well, I'm just about over the song, so I had to move on to something more deeper. Right now, I'm totally into Hill's "when it hurt so bad."

Since Potentials' vacation we talk on the phone almost five times a day. As I posted it before, we aren't talking like that anymore (this is not by choice, but a decision I had to make again because of the continuous games he plays.) Well, just like the last time, we reconvene as friends and it feels good. It so hard to explain.

I talk about him a lot with my friends. And they notice the excitement in my voice, but quickly remind me about being apprehensive with him. This brotha is on my mind a lot, and much as I want to KEEP him on my mind, my heart is telling me no.

When we talk, I don't feel the friendship vibe at all. Maybe I'm still that naive boy. A smile is always on my face when we talk about him moving 15mins away. I know its wrong, but I'm constantly envisioning us together doing laundry, going away to conferences, support each other's endeavors. My picture is crystal clear, like never before.

Late Friday night, we are on the phone, it must have been 3am.. He begins talking about how he needs a man. And my heart must have stopped for a couple of seconds. The reminder of us as friends returns. I quickly tell him, "I understand. I feel the same way, too." When I wanted to say, "Why can't I be your man." So, he continues to complain about being single, and I keep saying, I understand and a whole bunch of I hear ya's.

Sunday morning, he wakes me up. I was extremely tired and was not going to church, well, he wouldn't let me go, until I got up and was getting ready for church. And I needed that sermon yesterday. And I was just smiling hard, like thank you Lord for Potential waking me up.

To be perfectly honest, if I can't have him, I don't want to be friends. The worst part I'm feel will happen (and my boy, said the same thing) he's moving in this new area and wants to keep he options open. Y'all know how dudes are, well, I do... we constantly looking for something better. Anyway, "I gave up my power," I put myself out there, he knows how I feel, and I have the slightest clarity of what is going on with him.

"But who-ever knew the voo-doo you'd do," I'm just want to be with him and I hate the fact I don't know what to do next. Usually, when I feel like this, I just shut the person out and if they want to continue they will approach me. This time it's different, because he does the same damn thing.

I'm trying to "catch" what I need. I'm so dazed and confused. This time around, I don't want to create False Hope because that will leave me in the trenches of another self-inflicted guard for the next person. But, as I read over my post, I already created some type of hope.


When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
Why's it feel so good? (when it hurts so bad)
(when it hurts so bad)
When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
Why's it feel so good? (when it hurts so bad)
(when it hurts so bad)

I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the man I'd die for
He wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
to keep him in my life (to keep him in my life)
I cried, and I cried, and I cried
but I couldn't make it right

But I, I loved the young man
And if you ever been in love
then you'd understand

That what you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it (if you don't catch it)
(if you don't catch it)

And what you need ironically
will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it (if you just let it)
If you just let it (if you just let it)

See, I thought this feeling
it was all that I had
But how could this be love
and make me feel so bad? (gave up my power)
Gave up my powerI existed for you
But who-ever knew
the voo-doo you'd do

But I, I loved the young man
And if you ever been in love
then you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it (if you don't, you don't)
(if you don't, you don't)

And what you need ironically
will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it (if you don't, you don't)
If you just let it (if you don't, you don't)

See what you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it (if you don't, you don't)
(if you don't, you don't)

And what you need ironically
will turn out what you want to be
If you just let itIf you just let it

When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
Why's it feel so good? (when it hurts so bad)
(when it hurts so bad)
When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
Why's it feel so good? (when it hurts so bad)
(when it hurts so bad)

When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
So bad (when it hurts so bad)
(when it hurts so bad)
(when it hurts so bad)

Friday, May 13, 2005

Weekend Crap

It's finally friday and I'm so thankful that I made it through the week. I don't know what I'm doing after work. Home is out of the question. My apartment is a mess, clothes and paper all over the place. My car is by far the worst. I've been farting in it a lot lately in the morning, LOL. And when I get in after work, yo, I have to air it out before I start the car. So, I have to Frebreeze (something like that) this weekend. Redd, don't hit me up with some TMI stuff.

I really want to check out Lobby tonight, because I haven't been since its moved to friday.. also debating to go see Crash, I've heard stunning reviews. It's about racism in America, so i'm not sure if I want to get pissed. I watched Rosewood last night, this movie tell the story how much shyt those folks have brought us through. We have such strong blood running in our veins. Anyway, I'll probably end up seeing Unleashed with Jet-Li and Morgan Freedman (brotha, loves his action movies). I need a power nap.

I'm on this Community Pride Day committee and our parade is tomorrow. I'm really excited because my youth group launches it Voter Registration Drive Tomorrow. Plus, its really a great event for the inner city youth. This is my first year on the committee and they were talking about how they started to attract G-Life peeps because it said pride. (y'all was probably thinking the same thing, LOL) They notice that sponsors and bands started to reject them more than usual. So, this year they had to put community in front of pride. I founded this hiliarous.

Supposedly, I'm going up to CT afterwards for a Graduation, but a brothas car isn't doing to well. Plus, I don't feel like spending money up there for a graduation. My friends and I are planning him a surprise graduation party next saturday. Therefore, I think I'm just going to go into times square and take random picture with my digital camera need to start some of those things that y'all suggested (Emo, I did get a chance to do what you said two weeks ago. It was Great, LOL) And Church on Sunday.

I watched the Point of No Return, with Bridget Fonda, there were a few Nina Simone songs that were played. So, I'm going to purchase one of her CDs on Sunday... do y'all have any favorites?

You know how you just don't feel like seeing people, that's the main reason why CT is looking bad, lol. I hoping for 20hours of sleep this weekend. I really need to start playing the lottery, cause I need some money. I'm really have been smiling all day, something good is coming my way. Hopefully the PowerBall! Have a great weekend!

Thursday, May 12, 2005


Maybe love is worth waiting for.
Maybe the Democrats will win the next presidential campaign
Maybe people will use pubic bathrooms and clean after themselves.
Maybe black people will support black business and hire our troubled youth.
Maybe people with Nextels will shut off the one-on-one thing in public areas.
Maybe every homo should have sprint, so we can all chat sprint to sprint.
Maybe there really is a cure for AIDS that we’ll get to see.
Maybe ET will bring me home.
Maybe this empty feeling I’ve been having will be filled.
Maybe will live to see a Black President
Maybe my fight for civil liberties are not in vain.
Maybe there is something triggering all of these new blk G-life members to start blogging.
Maybe God is a woman, because men ain’t (oops,lol)
Maybe I’ll actually make some money doing what I love.
Maybe I’ll stop blogging (Nahhh, like Sheri Headly at the end of Coming to America).
Maybe Michael didn’t molest those boys.
Maybe Bush will say, “I’m wrong for all if done and VP Cheney and I are resigning.”
Maybe all black G-Life men need to live in one state…. I take that one back!
Maybe I should do my own laundry.
Maybe I need to move to Africa
Maybe tight jeans will be back in style.
Maybe NYC Subways will have air fresheners this summer so we don’t have to smell everyone funk.
Maybe Blackplant, or adam should have never existed.
Maybe Ashanti will learn how to dance.
Maybe you will Vote in November.
Maybe black people need to start their own chain of IHOPs.
Maybe our black male leaders won’t have any sexual scandals.
Maybe I should stop throwing gum out of my window.
Maybe Rodney King was stupid for saying “we all need to get along.” (something like that.)
Maybe MLK and X got it on… think about it, let me stop.
Maybe there will be ten million people at the Million Man 10th Anniversary March.
Maybe. Just Maybe.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

I'm on my way... Part Duex

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."

There were many events that occurred yesterday that will be written about in my memoir. I woke up at 3am thinking about the election. Arriving at the HQ at 5:30am, I quickly began to work. I took off Friday and Monday to do a five day full swing of Smiling doing what he does best. My candidate informed me that the first person she seen in the morning was one of her Judist (think about it... a deceitful person.) that told her they were voting for her.

I swear to goodness black folks have problems. Our community needs a spiritual healing. The whole day, heck the campaign, many black folks came and gone out of our office. All of them pledge support and assistance for my candidates campaign. They knew she didn't have any money, but she had determination and experience to get the job done. So, why did these same folks, 90% of them, publicly supported the opposition on Election Day, by working the polls for him, hanging signs on cars and what hurts the most voting for her. Our motto was take his money, but you know who to push and vote for. Man, it went to the point, I was about to have my first fist fight.

Well, I'm not going to harp any more on it. But, I've always said on this blog, there is a desperate need for unity. We must get out of the slave mentality, that whenever "the man" gives us some dough, we forget where we come from, and shyt, who we live with. Aiight, my bad that's enough.

When we found out that we lost the race drastically, I kept saying the "Thank You, Lords," and "God is Goods. All...." As we cleaned up the campaign office, I began thinking about why we didn't win. I said a quick a goodbye to my candidate because I felt tears wanting to shoot out. But you know what, I didn't cry. I spoke with Potential on my way back home and told him about the situation. It was nothing he could really say to me. As I told him how I felt, I processed my whole experience on the campaign. And came to the conclusion Only The Strong Survive.

See, just like me, my Candidate will continue to conquer many things. The entire adversity that was going on would have permanently hurt a naive person. "Roll with the punches," folks still say. But, we as black folks have to block those punches and instead of being a Contender be the Champ.

I'm facing facts, people aren't who they seem to be. Especially those who are public figures, we are all human. But, unfortunately, we have 1. those who will smile in our face and talk a good game and then stab you and 2. there are others who we just plainly know don't like us and we don't like them. I rather deal with 2, but I still need to be prepared to deal with 1. There still is hope out there, I didn't know my Candidate until someone introduce us and she is someone I am willing to assist at any giving time.

Another thing on my way I notice I'm not doing anymore, stop blaming other people for negative situations or feeling that I go through. Looking at myself, in efforts to learned from what is being presented and then working on fixing the situation or feelin instead of avoiding it. Therefore, I sometimes don't have nothing to blog about, because quite frankly I'm doing me.
Although, there are times, when situation legitimically fall on specific people (remember that secret post, LOL). (This is all my personal self, because its totally different when we talk about the community.) I'm starting to feel things that I want or bitch the most about are the same things I already know what to do, but want to see what other people think. Hmmm Kinda like some entries I posted. I'm all bitchout... today, LOL

I notice at the party on Saturday, I really don't care for anyone that I don't know. In the past, I have found that men in the yng Blk G-Life community intimidating. Mostly because of the tremendous about of shallow men. You even look at Karomo(misspelled, i know, lol.. but dude from Real World) with the gym dude. It apparent to me, some men are Caught Up with things that aren't me.

Realizing that I'm really a chill dude that likes the lime light, but hates the bs. Unfortunately, I'm getting content on being laid-back on my downtime. This will change, cause I know this summer is strictly about enjoyment. Finals are over, thank goodness! Things are moving progressively. I'm trying to get my spirit fit for some battles I foresee coming. Life is so unpredictable. I'm still going through my Circles, I just going to really feeling it, when first two occurs. Do you ever feel your life is a soap opera? Sometimes I really do, especially when you hear about some juicy gossip, LOL!

Anyway, I'm doing things with proactive nature and taking off my sunglasses so I can see clearly, hopefully I won't realize that I need contacts. (you know what I mean, lol)

Like a rapper said, "I am everything I say I am/if I wasn't then why would I say I am/ in the newspapers, (the blog), everyday I am/I don't know thats just they way I am.


Monday, May 09, 2005

Real Power

FYI, Sista lost the race.... working on a post-post...

It really is spring time.

Saturday, I finally went out! FYI - I haven't been going out socially, just a few dinners with some friends other than that I've been doing my own thing or just plainly sick in bed. I'm feeling a little better, I'm going through a series of test and exams, so the Doctors still don't know what's wrong with me.

Anyway, I didn't let that hold me down! One of my friends threw his friend a b-day party in Harlem on Saturday. I brought one of my friends I haven't seen since Jan and he brought two of his friends (Redd, don't say nothing.) On our way to the party, it was hilarious, four dudes going through every Mariah song on the new album, truly homo, lol.

Well, after much failed attempts of trying to hit those high notes, we arrived at the party on time. That is a NO NO in new york. So, we must have stayed in the car for at least and hour talking about living the life. We went into the party, there were only 10 people so far. Oh, Bacardi has a new flavor called Apple Sour, off the hook. After a couple of drinks, i was feeling nice. (I haven't been drinking because of my medication.. friday was the last day). Redd had finally arrived with his boo, who I really adore. It was great to see many familiar faces and a whole lot of new ones. Its soo funny going out in NYC, because you've seen almost everyone on ADAM, you can point people out like he's a bot or he's packing __. Pretty sad, but very funny!

After two hours, I was ready to go, because unfortunately, most dudes in their 20s don't know how to have a good time. Its a house party everyone can't post up on the wall. I thought when they played Ying Yang Twins song, wait to you see my D@#$, everyone would have wild out, but no. When I'm with Redd, we tend to always make the best of any situation. So, we did have fun! But, two hours, my legs were hurt, LOLOLOL! And the liquor was really starting to sink in, and I didn't want to act of fool.

I was regretting not going to the lobby on friday, because at least i knew i could sit down after a few dances. I know y'all thinking this boy is lazy... but don't forget i'm still not at 100%, i'm supposed to be resting. But, anyone that really knows me, I would need to be strapped down for me to stay complete still.

Mother's Day was kewl! My mom had two papers due today, so she couldn't go out as planned. Therefore, I picked my mom dinner from her favorite restaurant and went over for a little while. The card, I picked out really spoke how I felt. Over the last month, my mom really continued to show a mother's unconditional love while we been going to the hospital. We were both in tears for a couple of minutes. She is my homegirl to the fulless. And like I said before, she can pissed me off like no one else, even more than Potential, LOL! Got to love her for that!

Redd, one of my close friends, has finally posted on his blog. I'm sure some have seen him comment on my page as well as other bloggers as No4Real4Real. Well, please check him out, i'm sure it's going to be great. He is my offical homo advisor, the one who has seen me grow phyisically and mentally in the lifestyle as well as the person who brought me to my first club, Brooklyn Cafe, y'all remember that, LOL. Hope everyone had a great weekends and Happy belated Mother's Day to all of the blogger mommies.

It feels great to have something to blog about. Approaching a year of blogging, dang, I'm old, lol. And you know what.. this whole weekend, I've been playing Mariah's Circles in my head over and over. Song is the truth!

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Black AIDS Institute Statement

Congressional leadership and White House launch plan to slash Medicaid spending while boosting tax cuts

Two-thirds of Blacks in treatment for AIDS pay for it with public insurance programs
Congressional leadership and the Administration have colluded to pass a plan for cutting Medicaid by $10 billion over the next five years. Medicaid is the largest payer for HIV treatment in the nation, accounting for half of all people in treatment. Sixty- four percent of African Americans being treated for HIV/AIDS pay for it with Medicaid or Medicare.

The fiscal year 2006 budget plan that a House- Senate committee agreed to last week would hold all domestic spending flat and slash spending on programs that form a safety net for America's poor. At the same time, the plan racks up another $106 billion in tax cuts for wealthy Americans over the next five years. The budget plan suggests that much of the budget reductions come from Medicaid. Ideas for cutting the program's spending that are already being discussed include increasing patient co-pays and tightening restrictions on who qualifies for enrollment.

Earlier this year, the Senate voted to remove all Medicaid cuts from the budget plan and to instead establish an independent commission to study ways to reduce costs. The Republican leadership and the White House, however, reinserted the cuts during the conference negotiations that were needed to reconcile the House and Senate proposals. President Bush's budget proposal had recommended $14 billion in Medicaid cuts over the next five years.

The budget resolution is just the first step in Congress' annual budgeting process. Between now and the start of the fiscal year--October 1--the House and Senate will each hammer out the details of what each government program can spend next year. Members of the Senate Finance Committee, which has jurisdiction over Medicaid, are believed to support at least keeping Medicaid spending level. The National Governor's Association has also expressed concerns over cutting the program, but has now begun negotiating ways to reduce spending with key House members. The African American community must engage both our state leaders and our representatives in Washington to let them know how crucial Medicaid is to our community's health.

Already, African Americans living with HIV are seven times more likely to die from the virus than infected whites. If Washington guts Medicaid, even as it hands out billions of additional dollars in tax cuts, more of us may be driven out of treatment or required to accept lower-quality care--and the AIDS death gap is likely to grow.

About the Institute
The Black AIDS Institute is the only HIV/AIDS think tank in the United States focused exclusively on Black people. The Institute's mission is to stop the AIDS pandemic in Black communities by engaging and mobilizing Black institutions and individuals in efforts to confront HIV. The Institute interprets public and private sector HIV policies, conducts trainings, offers technical assistance, disseminates information and provides advocacy from a uniquely and unapologetically Black point of view.

Learn More at

This is a Damn Shame! (that's me)

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Vitamin C

I'm soo stupid... why today, I locked my front door... and as I was heading to my car, I thought about that Vitamin C song.... "Put a smile on your face, make the world a better place." I'm such a dork, LOL!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Survival in The Game

Throughout our lives we have things that makes us STOP(pause)! Sometimes we STOP and think about it then react. While other times we STOP and react. Most times our immediate reaction dictates our future.

Recently, when things come my way with a punch, I’ve been doing that STOP/think about it routine. Attempting to figure out the best plan to execute the best outcome. There are many things to ASSUME in the plan such as people, timing, and money, etc.

As I grow in the REAL WORLD, I’ve realized how naive I’ve been. Every year there are new thing that I learn that are life changing. This year, I’m learning what most black folks don’t see. How much our community needs to unite. I’ve grown up listening to Stokely Carmichael and Malcolm protesting against “the man” and “the system.” Part of me thought it was mumble jumble. After reading and hearing testimonies of those veterans in the civil rights struggle, and I bearing witness to “the man” and eventually become apart of “the system.”

After getting arrested in Philly in 2000 against the Republican National Convention, I vowed never to see another jail cell. Before serving my six days (believe me it was no joke in a holding cell for one with SEVEN other people and only allowed once to step outside the cell. Plus, other things that I’m not getting into.) I thought civil disobedience was the answer. Then I said to myself, “well I could change the system from within.”

It’s been two years today that I’ve been working in the system full-time. Although, I’ve made some change, I haven’t put a dent, not even a scratch on what is needed to be done. Now, I’m at a point where thoughts of SURVIVAL need to take place. People who are aware that there is a system in place know that it is not made for Black, Brown, Yellow or Purple people.

I applaud those who beat the system. We use the words “the game,” talking about the dating system we have in the Black US. When we don’t discuss the political game that controls Black US. It’s so hard to survive this game while BLACK and Socially Conscious.

SURVIVAL. I look at long term black leaders such as Congressman Rangel, Farrakhan, Jesse and even Al. Although, I don’t agree with some of the political stands of these men, you will have to agree that all of them have exist for decades in the system. Three weeks ago, while in DC, I visited on of my favorite Congressman, whose Blk. He has been in offices for two decades and I asked him, “What is your key to surviving as long as you have?” He immediately replied, “Smiling, you have to pick and choose your fights!”

Darwin’s theory comes in my mind, “Survival of the fittess.” It’s time get FIT. I don’t want to fight. I’ve never had A fight, but I had TO fight for Survival in the Game.

Pray for me!

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