SmilingOnThaDL

Allow me to re-introduce myself, My name is...

2005-10-21T12:19:00.000-04:00

THE UNCONQUERABLE SOUL, my new blog!

The Unconquerable Soul

2005-10-19T11:28:00.000-04:00

"Like the phoenix out of the ashes you are reborn. Life is wonderful and change always brings something entirely new." ~Stone, funeral remarks of Smilingdl

It's been almost three months since the death of Smilingonthedl. Since then, I have experience some life learned lessons. The world is now viewed with a new set of eyes. A change has come!

Inivitus

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the Pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods maybe
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishment the scroll
I am the Master of my fate
I am the Captain of my soul.

I am The Unconquerable Soul (launching Oct. 21st)

The Death of SmilingontheDL

2005-08-01T11:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Friends,

First, I would like to thank you for all of the comments, advice and much needed compliments since the beginning of SmilingontheDL. You all have made me feel special. There were many moments that I posted on disturbing life experiences and you all were there; reading and assisting me through it.

SmilingontheDL started when I was going crazy. I needed a place to vent about all of my life’s uncertainties especially in regards to sexuality. At the time, I was alone in my battle with myself in determining where the G-Life would fit in my life. I had many escapades of self-hate, loneliness and lack of self worth.

Since the establishment of this blog, I HAVE COME OUT TO MYSELF. This was truly a blessing in disguise. As I started going to Church last January, my relationship with God has become intimate. If you know like I know, my God’s love is everlasting and has healed my self-inflicted hate, abuse and fear.

It seemed like my show was playing the same episodes (like they say, same shyt different day.) Blaming the world for every thing that went wrong in my life. I cried and yelled with my “why me” syndrome. Only to find out “its not about me.” I forgave many people in my life… took negative experiences with a grain of salt… learned how to relax, relate and release. Basically, I stopped BITCHIN. (Now, I call it testifying, lol)

Sure I have shared relapses; I’m human whose attempting to be stable. After rereading last year’s entries, I would probably have labeled myself “dysfunctional.” As I looked at the Man in the Mirror this morning, I tried to look beyond my eyes. I saw the many experiences that I overcame. I saw that my community needs me to use my talents. I saw my potential. I saw my continual happiness for myself. I saw strength, courage and wisdom instead of fear, hatred and the invisible man. In fact, I saw a REAL MAN! This MAN has grown tremendously over the last year.

This past weekend, I had a phenomenal time with someone special whose four day life exposure gave me reassuring thoughts that “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you going to get,” but with determination and confidence anything is possible. This person has inspired many thoughts of happiness.

It has been great entering the lives of many great people through their blogs. It is one of the most consistent things over the past year that I truly enjoy. To everyone I have had the opportunity to meet within the last couple of months.. THANK YOU! To all of the old school bloggers that I read… THANK YOU… To all the new and upcoming stars of the Blog World… THANK YOU!

En Vogue sang “Free your mind and the rest will follow.” My mind has experienced being freed. This taste has me feening for more. And I have one definite conclusion: to end the life of SmilingontheDL, allowing myself to manifest into someone new.

Peace,

SmingontheDL

Beware of Reincarnation

2005-07-30T16:25:00.000-04:00

Though one should conquer a thousand times a thousand men in battle, he who conquers his own self, is the greatest of all conquerors!

~ Gautama Buddha

8/22/05

2005-07-30T15:29:00.000-04:00

"Whatever you do, you need courage.

Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you you are wrong.

There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right.

To map out a course of action and follow it to the end,

requires some of the same courage which a soldier needs.

Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men to win them."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

9/14/05

Beware of Reincarnation II

2005-07-30T15:13:00.000-04:00

There is no failure for the man who realizes his power, who never knows when he is beaten; there is no failure for the determined endeavor; the unconquerable will. There is no failure for the man who gets up every time he falls, who rebounds like a rubber ball, who persists when everyone else gives up, who pushes on when everyone else turns back.
~Orison Swett Marden

9/12/05

I AM RASHAWN BRAZELL

2005-07-30T11:11:00.000-04:00

From the estate of SmilingontheDL (lost documents found after his death):

Last summer, I was a Luke and Leroy’s groupie.

Keith Boykin’s website announced that his partner was switching a professional after-work gathering from Bardos to Lukes. I attended the Launch Party and found myself on Seventh Ave for the next eight weeks in a row. (YES, a true groupie. I even had Keith sign my copy of One More River to Cross. I’m such a dork.)

I later noticed that a closed friend of mine, X boyfriend was also a frequent attendee. (He was there when my friend took me to my first G-Life Club. Y’all remember Brooklyn Cafe. I almost fainted. LOL). Every Thursday, for at least a half hour, the X and I would cut a rug on the second floor. One day in June, we were wildin out and this young boy came between us and started freaking us both. I thought to myself, “Why is this little boy at Lukes?” After that occasion, I began to see the young man’s friends more often.

Fast Forward.

In March 2005, when I saw his photo on Steven’s Blog, I couldn’t remember where I knew him. After seeing the picture on e-mails and blogs multiple times, I suddenly felt sick because I remembered this young man’s smile when we were dancing last summer.

I was frustrated! I was sad! I was confused! I was mad! I was GUILITY! The brutal murder and dismemberment of this 19-year old black man was and still is APPALLING.

The Post from Larry and Troy inspired me to get my eyes off of the computer screen and assist physically with the Rashawn Brazell Collective. I don’t think I was ready for the meeting. Up until then, I never had been in a room of Black G-Life men outside the club. So, I traveled to the POCC office. Luckily, the first person I saw was Frank and he gave me a surprised and welcoming smile. I also noticed Larry and Merv.

The meeting was serious! Lots of arguing and folks going on and on! However, that initial meeting was filled with an unbelievable amount of passion. I honestly wanted to cry from the sight of being around a group of successful black SGL men, who came together for Rashawn Brazell.

After attending a sub-committee meeting, I found out I wasn’t ready to take on this fight publicly. I even wrote a long post about it, but didn’t post because I felt most of my readers wouldn’t understand the agony I was putting myself through. I believe I’ve assisted with the Collective’s endeavors by coordinating a series of Stop the Violence events in my local community.

The Rashawn Brazell Collective fight continues.

It continues with all of us. We know his story. We must continue to share it with our peers, with the effort to eradicate violence and social injustices. On Sunday, August 28 at Luke and Leroy’s, the Rashawn Brazell Memorial Scholarship is hosting its official Launch Party. Please come out and support. Today is a Bright Day! The love we have for our dearly departed Brother will be filled all over Luke and Leroy’s. If you have more than $10, give some more. This scholarship will help another G-Life member become an advocate for you and I.

I AM Rashawn Brazell! Well, I could have been and so could you!

Because of who You are

2005-07-30T10:05:00.000-04:00

Because of who You are, I give you glory
Because of who You are, I give you praise
Because of who You are, I will lift my voice and say
Lord I worship You, because of who you are
Lord I worship You, because of who you are

Jehovah Jireh, my Provider
Jehovah Nissi, Lord you reign in victory
Jehovah Shalom, my Prince of Peace
And I worship You, because of who You are

From... The Upside of Anger

2005-07-30T08:51:00.000-04:00

Anger and Resentment
Can stop you in your tracks
That's what I know, now
It needs, nothing to burn,
But the Air & the Life
That it swallows and smothers

It's real, though
The fury,
even when it isn't.
It can change you..
Turn you...
Mold you & shape you into someone you're not.

The only Upside to Anger, then
Is the person you become...
Hopefully, someone that wakes up one day
And realizes they're not afraid of its journey.

Someone that knows that the truth is, at best,
A partically told story.
That Anger, like growth,
Comes in sports & fits
And in its wake,
Leaves a new chance at acceptance
And the promise of calm

Then again what do I know

I'm coming back soon! EMO BRO, I'm not teasing!
9/30/05

Black Gays & Church Leaders Unite to End Violence

2005-07-28T09:46:00.000-04:00

I know this is going to be an AWESOME EVENT. If you have some time and in the area come out and support!

What: REVIVAL!: Victory Over Spiritual Violence Through Grace

When: Sunday, July 31, 2005 – 4:00pm-7:00pm

Where: Riverside Church, 490 Riverside Drive (bet 120th & 122nd Sts), Harlem, NY 10027

Who: Guest Speakers include: Manhattan Borough President C. Virginia Fields, Arun Gandhi, M.K. Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence; Krishna Stone, GMHC; Robert Miller, SUNY Albany; Reverend Valerie Holly, Unity Fellowship Church; Bishop Carlton Pearson, Higher Dimensions Family Church; Reverend Cari Jackson, The Center of Spiritual Light; Elder Joseph Tolton, Christ Conscious Ministries; and Reverend Sylvia Rhue, National Black Justice Coalition. Music by Lavender Light Choir and Da’rrell Belton.

Why: To challenge Black ministers to end homophobic rhetoric and join the fight to end violence.

New York, NY – After four murders of Black gay men and the attack on Dwan Prince which left him in a coma, Black gay community leaders hold a REVIVAL! to denounce homophobia from Black ministers, and challenge them to become more proactive in ending violence against Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender people in the Black community.

“The Black gay community is in a state of emergency. We need our ministers to stand with us to end the violence,” says Tokes Osubu, Executive Director of Gay Men of African Descent, one of the event’s sponsors. “Ministers should know that when they preach hate against gays on Sunday, someone will be bashed or murdered on Monday.”

A recent report issued by The Anti-Violence Project shows that violent attacks against the LGBT community increased 25% over the last two years. This year, four gruesome murders of members of Black gay men have occurred including Rashawn Brazell, Marvin Paige, Kenmoore Thomas, and Jamal James.

“Historically the deciding factor in social justice movements is the spiritual energy that fuels them,” says Elder Joseph W. Tolton of Christian Conscious Ministries, and the event’s keynote speaker. “This revival meeting which is stirring in the hearts of our lay people is a decisive indicator that the civil rights struggle for gays and lesbians is evolving into a movement rooted in Christian principles that will guide us toward the realization of Dr. King’s Beloved Community.”

REVIVAL! is the first event in a campaign targeted to end violence against gays in the Black Community.

CONTACT: Kenyon Farrow, New York State Black Gay Network, 917.627.0853

The Trent Jackson Exclusive

2005-07-26T22:36:00.000-04:00

Some bloggers will always hate TRENT JACKSON. Some bloggers will always love TRENT JACKSON. But, most bloggers/readers will never know the REAL TRENT JACKSON.

When he first appeared on the scene, I wondered who was this secure big boy who posted so many pictures of himself. At the age 22, this young black brotha published his first novel. He challenged many people to think with post on mentorship or telling the story of the fat boy blues. He blogged about his strength and his goals for unity amongst us.

But, Trent always seems to know how to push the right buttons. Calling people out... left and right.. (but, y'all are scared to comment back on his page, unlike Frank) You really can't hate on this brother because he is secure enough to speak his mind. Although, I may disagree with the way he does some things, he has a true unlimited potential to becoming one of our beloved figures in the Black community. Once Trent learns some more life long lessons he will be unstoppable. He's young, fun and dumb filled with cum. He's TRENT JACKSON!

Smiling: Earlier I dubbed for you, the black gay Wendy Williams... How do you feel about that?

Trent: It is what it is. Part of me loves it and part of that name doesn't describe who I am at all

Smiling: What part of the name doesn't describe you?

Trent: Well by nature I am not a messy person. I love people and I am really quiet and reserved...And I'm very friendly...but I like it because I always like to follow the model of anyone who is successful. The Trent Jackson persona is all that it really is...a persona

Smiling : Why do you have a need to give yourself a persona?

Trent: I don't. It just makes the package more attractive. I can be myself and command the attention of a room-but Trent Jackson just adds edge to who I am. And people love edge. I love edge. I love being Trent Jackson. And it's also shields who I am.

Smiling: Is the Trent Jackson persona only for your blog?

Trent: No...Trent Jackson is a full fledged image that you guys don't know about yet. I created him in college when I wrote my column for the paper at school and when I had a TV/Radio show...But you guys will get the full effect in a few months

Smiling : So, Trent Jackson isn't your name

Trent: no it isn't

Smiling: Wow, i didn't know that

Trent: I mentioned that on my blog....no one picked it up

Smiling: I don't think people believed you. Your constantly talking about keeping it real, who is the real you?

Trent: I don't think it's relevant for me to say my real name again. And I do keep it real. Trent Jackson is real! LOL...I am quiet, I am thoughtful, I like to give advice...I am the guy that is in club with a hat on in the corner watching everything go on...I am not the social person that you all get, unless I am at an event appearing as "Trent Jackson" I am really refined...I like me time. I am a lover...I am a lot of things... Mellow too...

Smiling: So, why does Trent Jackson have a blog, instead of ********?

Trent: Because the real me is on reserve for people who get to know the real me and my family, my close friends....it's confusing. Trent is me too...but there is a side that people don't see, that's private

Smiling: I haven't read your book yet. Tell me about it! Does calling it nonfiction give it justification?

Trent: My book is the story of so many people in the world. There is no classification of my book.... It's my life-period, but of course events and names have been changed to protect those who may sue me

Smiling: You often write about all the good feed back you get on your book - are all your reviews positive?

Trent: It talks about-what it's like to be gay, black, overweight- to not be on the DL...and to live your life against what everyone else wants you to be...and I've just started getting negative feedback which is interesting to me.

Smiling: Have you always been a big boy?

Trent: No, I started gaining weight around the 6th grade, which is around the time I started to hit puberty...and plus I was internally dealing with being molested. So, I guess that's a yes! I've been overweight all my teenage and adult life

Smiling: Are you still dealing with issues involving being molested?

Trent: No, I got over that a few years ago...

Smiling: Is the molester still involved in your life?

Trent: No, he's been out of my life since I was 14

Smiling: I really enjoy your interviews - which interview did you enjoy the most?

Trent: It's hard. I enjoyed the second interview with No4real...and I enjoyed the interview with ShawnQT

Smiling: You follow these peoples blog, did anyone come at you with something that you never would have thought?

Trent: No, I always stay prepared and ahead of the game and plus stuff they talk about I been there, done that, and got a T-shirt

Smiling: You really bring the heat. It seemed like your comments are always in the double digits. Recently, there has been a recent decrease in comments... What do you feel has contributed to this because I know people are still reading you blog?

Trent: Um...I really don't know. I care to know what people are thinking...but I get a lot of side emails from people that read my blog that make up for the public comments...and silent readers are kinda scary because they pop up out of no where sometimes...and my blog its a lot to take in-and then some of the stuff I say doesn't always warrant comments.

Smiling: On your blog, you constantly thank those who comment as well as people in your life and blog friends. That is great! But, you also will blast someone that disagrees with you after promoting unity. Isn't that a contradiction?

Trent: No, I am not a contradiction...who are you referring to?

Smiling: Well you recently exposed someone you don't like. Explain the situation, (I rather not use names)

Trent: Thank you for being patient...he is a wonderful guy-he's nice! I'm just concerned about his behavior (sexually) and his HIV status...and if people that were around him that were truly concerned about him, they would try and talk to him about his behavior...
I have a problem with people who sit back and watch other deteriorate

Smiling: But, why did this have to be displayed on your blog, rather than e-mail or an aim conversation?

Trent: Well, I think it is an issue that needs to be addressed as a whole

Smiling: Hmmm... wouldn't you take offense if someone tried to tell you want to do?

Trent: No....I would want to know why they did it. I like to debate... but let me clean it up a little. I wrote him a letter expressing my concern for him and he didn't respond....

Smiling: Isn't that his business? You didn't explain the situation, you just linked his blog

Trent: I did that to make him come and ask me what the problem was... and further more it's his business but he puts it publicly on his blog so now everyone is included.

Smiling: Moving on, Introducing Alexander found out that I was interviewing you and e-mailed me. Tell us the deal with him?

Trent: What… lol…no he didn't.

Smiling: Yes, he did.

Trent: shut up, lol… You're starting shit.

Smiling: I was quite surprised?

Trent: What did he say?

Smiling: He said you made him post comments on your blog.

Trent: Lol, isn't true

Smiling: I'm just kidding... He didn't e-mail me, It has been speculated that you made him up to create a buzz.

Trent: Never… Not true… It would have been clever of me...but it's not true.

Smiling: How can I know for sure?

Trent: I don't know would you like his number?

Smiling: Yes!

Trent: Like I'm really gonna give it to you?

Smiling: Hey, you offered.

Trent: lol. I'm pretty sure people have come to their conclusions about that...but if you are going to be in ATL he's gonna be with me so that will end that rumor... I've gotten close with a few bloggers.

Smiling: Clutch the pearls (thanks clay), Alexander is coming to ATL… let me find out.

Trent: Well he will be there.

Smiling: Besides Fred Smith do you have any other blogger friends that you know
personally?

Trent: No, the others are on the east coast. So when I visit I will be making my first meet with a few people.

Smiling: So are they gonna meet Trent Jackson or the real you?

Trent: No, I talk to most of them by phone so they can distinguish the difference between the two. Would like to speak with me on the phone?

So, I ended up speaking with Trent for nearly two hours. I wasn’t expecting his calm behavior on the phone nor his willingness to seek suggestions on life. After our conversation, I knew he would be a friend until he fucks the shyt up. His impression of me must have been stellar because after our conversation he posted that I was his “Boyfriend in my head.” But I still had more questions …

Smiling: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Trent: I'll be at the 30 mark...the 10 year reunion has come and gone...I'll definitely have made my mark in some arena of entertainment. I want to be retired (maybe) with a spouse and maybe a teenage child or children. I want to be teaching high school and settled, mentally and spiritually. Have the support and love from my family-and have a talk show under my belt...if not holding down the number one spot on prime time talk...and of course doing power lunches and maintaining my blog.

Smiling: What is your solution to bring forth unity in the G-Life Community?

Trent: My solution for unity is honest dialogue. Without honest communication you can't achieve anything else...so let’s start there.

Smiling: Where are you at Spiritually?

Trent: Hmm...I don't think I am anywhere spiritually. I've always been a person to have belief in God, and all of that. I am not one of these hyper-spiritual people. Not to say that is a good or bad thing...but I have a relationship with God and just like any relationship it could be better.

Smiling: From reading your blog, it seems as though you have a close relationship with your mother.

Trent: LOL, I never said that! That broad gets on my reserve nerve! We have a relationship. It could be a hell of a lot better. And the reality show that I am working on will expose so much...but she and I have been at battle for a grip-she like everyone else has issues that they need to deal with. Unfortunately she displaces her anger towards her children, and that can be a problem when I am your child if you get what I am saying. But as no4real said, "She's still yo momma"

Smiling: Do you feel that bloggers are justified to express concern with being
“called out” in Franks “I think your positive” post?

Trent: I think it's fair to say that we (meaning me, you, no4real, Valentino, divo, etc) didn't really feel called out. If you're intelligent enough to understand that Frank asked a question of us, you wouldn't have felt or gotten offended. It was those that were insecure or made the post personal that made the most fuss about it. Frank knows my opinion of that matter and I've said what I had to say about it, it's a wrap. The kids are messy and some of them just wast their time unnecessarily responding to what other people say, it wasn't that big of a deal and they should just brush it off like they do everything else. Not to say they shouldn't deal with the issue at hand.

Smiling: Is there a celebrity that you idolize, if so who?

Trent: I am a fag...lol. I idolize Janet. Her style, her longevity, her connection with her fans, her ability to not break under adversity, her support for the gay community, her support for her family...she loves hard and she's so real to me. She's the epitome of a Star...

I wonder if he knows he's being shaped into a Star!

A Smiling Production

Beautiful Surprise

2005-07-26T12:31:00.000-04:00

I want to give Trent some more shine on my blog! So, I changed the time of this post. Its Wednesday, July 27th

Anyhow (hehehe inside joke)

Last Wednesday, I posted about how I renewed a lease on life. So many things are coming into place.

I swear to goodness, when your not "really" looking things start to come your way. Thank Ya!
Life is so crazy. I'm not going to go into it now, because I have a lot of work to do. (they are trying to kill me) But, I feel GREAT!

The first time I listened to Voyage to India (the last India.Arie album) I completely feel in love with most of the songs. One particular song stood out among the rest because it caught a moment that I only felt in my dream. Beautiful Surpise - WHOA! SERIOUS WORDS THAT I FEEL INSIDE MY SOUL!

It's like yesterday
I didn't even know your name
Now today You're always on my mind
I never could have predicted that I feel this way
You're beautiful surprise

Intoxicated every time I hear your voice
You've got me on a natural high
It's almost like I didn't even have a choice
You're beautiful surprise

Whatever it is you came to teach me
I am here to learn it cause
I believe that we're written in the stars
I don't know the future hopes
But I'm living in the moment
And I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are
You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You're beautiful surprise
You're inspiration to my life
You're the reason why I smile
You're beautiful surprise

DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN
I'm floating on that Cloud.. John Legend told us about.. (Who know about that?)

072505

2005-07-25T14:12:00.000-04:00

I wonder

Who would I be
If I could be just me

First, holding onto so much fear
Because my vision was unclear

Then, Looking at life with new eyes
Having to ask myself why

Why this
Why that
Where I’m at

Putting myself through the third degree
Breaking off self-inflicted shackles to be free

Only to discover my third eye
And it sees the obvious

I am me

I think your Postive

2005-07-21T11:19:00.000-04:00

Inspired by Frank's post:

I don't recall when... but I remember reading in Vibe Magazine, they published an article about the CDC announcement, that one out of three black SGM were HIV positive. It also informed me that 33% don't even know that they are positive. This news was extremely alarming to me.

On August 27, 2005, will mark my second year from abstaining from penetrated sex. Although, I have an high sex drive the news that I just mentioned cautioned me greatly. I'm not going to lie, I have engaged myself with low risk activity with multiple people since then, but the thought of contracting HIV/AIDS in a matter of simple pleasure drives me INSANE. Yes, there have been many moments that things was just about to happen without protection, fortunately it never occured.

As a conscious brother last year was my first time getting tested. YES! After messing around from 1995 to 2004, I never got tested. First of all, I didn't think there was a need to because I was using proctection. Secondly, I didn't want to know because the fear of living my entire life knowing I was going to die form AIDS. The last two months I've been procratinating about getting tested. Although, I dont' do much, there is still risk involved. And quite frankly, I will always be scared each time I am tested.

I have many friends that after a week or two of being sexually involved with someone and maybe even taking a STD test would end up having unprotected sex. As the disease continues to plague our community, it is still preventable. It pisses me off that the CDC announce that 46% of black “gay” men in New York City, Baltimore, Los Angeles, San Francisco and Miami are HIV positive. With all the problems that going on in our community, I believe its the most preventable. Wrap your shyt up!

We have no self-worth or apprear to be stupid! After so much talk about HIV/AIDS we still partake in HIGH RISK ACTIVITY. Even people who have posted on Franks blog will continue to do what they want to do. They still won't get tested. They still won't try to urge their friends. And some are HIV Positive and won't even disclose this information to their sexual partners.

What's really good? Frank pointed out what Brother West preached about... Nihilism. Nihilism is concept meant to describe "Life without meaning, hope, and love [which] breeds a coldhearted, mean-spirited outlook that destroys both the individual and others." The people in our community have injected far too much Nihilism into their spirits.

I'm getting tested next week and going to try to get three friends to go with me. My brothers and sisters they aren't going to help us end this epidemic, we must step up to the plate and SAVE Our Selves (SOS)!

Spread the word!

Your brother in the struggle,

Smiling

Top Ten Wednesday and stuff

2005-07-20T13:39:00.000-04:00

For some strange reason, I feel that I just renewed a lease on life. The last couple of days, I’ve participated in a couple of successful meetings. My short-term and long-term vision is manifesting. Reality is setting forth, there will always be down moments every damn day, but stay positive.

I wanna give a shout-outs to everyone that was at the LOBBY on Friday. Man, it was so much love in that place amongst the bloggers. I swear it was a NYC bloggers party that was not planned. Sucks to be in ATL, DC, LA, MD, MS and Chi-town, LOL! I had a heck of a time!

Fortunately, I’m off the next two days and have some enjoyable things planned. Going to brunch with Stedman. I’m having dinner with texas-sized drinks with my best friends. Finally going to see my sister Fantasia at Good Morning America (I’ll be the black boy cheesing hard, yelling out “B.A.B.Y.” lol). Tryna hit up 106 & Park with Redd. Hopefully, going to a museum with Bed-Stuy… Go see The Island (Michael Bay movies are da shyt.) Buying some discounted books at the infamous Harlem Book Fair. Brother Briggs Discussion and Omar Tyree Open Mic Night and hitting up Studio 7. Oh yeah, you know a brotha will be up in Church.

Well, today is Top Ten Wednesday… So

Top Ten Things Smiling Says Everyday…

Oh my goodness. When I see folks from my past they always remind me how much I use to say OMG (It’s not as bad now.). When someone crash, OMG. I bought a chicken salad, OMG. I just farted, OMG. It was bad, LOLOL. Oh yeah, I never say oh my G-D, using the Lord’s name in vain is a no, no.

Stop Lying. When someone tells me some juice (I refer to a story or gossip as juice) ((SHUT-UP)) I keep on saying Stop Lying. People that don’t know me take offence when I say this because they don’t know I’m playing.

For real For real. Yes, people do really say this. Even more since we have the celebrity No4real4real in the blog world. If I say something unbelievable, I’ll say for real, for real. It’s funny.

HAWT (hot) Mess. This started in college, every black person on campus started staying hot mess and its still with me today. When you see someone or something that just don’t look right…. That’s a Hawt Mess.

You better get it! It’s equivalent to Martin’s You Go Boy! Enough Said!

*****************************************************************
Special Announcement

You remember Barbara and Whitney "Crack is wack" interview. I know you remember Oprah and MJ rendezvous. This is nothing like it, LOL. This is a chat you don't want to miss!

Trent Jackson's PRIMETIME CHAT with Smiling has been recorded.

The Other Side of Trent Jackson will be release on Friday, July 22, 2005 (time has not been announced.)

COMING SOON IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!
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Youdon’tknowhowtoact. (said like one word) I say this when someone does something out of the ordinary, something constant or doing the damn thing. For example, I would say to Stone in person, “youdon’tknowhowtoact.” (See his “Messed Up” poem) I know y’all will feel me.

Love ya. I talk to my mother several times a day. It gets sickening! She doesn’tknowhowtoact when she changed providers to sprint. She calls me throughout the day. At the end of the conversation I always say, “Bye Ma, I love ya.”

I’m so excited. It takes nothing for me to get excited (Get y’all mind out the gutter, I’m not even taking it there, lol). I really emphasis So! Kinda like the pointers Sisters, “I’m So excited.” It has a lot of heart behind it.

A Salama Lake Im. Whenever I end a deep conversation I always use this phrase. Although I’m not Muslim, I think it has so much meaning.

Jesus. Look at your neighbor and say, "There is nothing like the name Jesus." In my times of distress, which are often, I call out his name. This name gives me strength when the pockets are empty, when I almost get into a car accident, when there is no one to call, and when I'm on the toilet and I can't get it out! LOL (sike nah on da last one) Thank ya!

Well, there are a few of the words I recite every single day.

What are some of y'all's?

Finding Neverland

2005-07-18T16:11:00.000-04:00

I'm sure everyone remembers Peter Pan saying, "I won't grow up," but, have we really thought about the symbolism that line has on our lives? As we grow, we see the world with larger eyes. We see the bad and the ugly, which many times fit into the equation on what we will do in our lives. Whereas, when we were younger, when we wanted to do something, we did it because we believed we could and didn't care about any obstacle that may come our way.

Y'all know, I'm constantly thinking about stuff! As I continue to read my Purpose Driven Life, a couple things have been pointed out to me. Lately, I have been doing some of the things I wanted to do, yet discovering even more things that I haven't begun to do because of my lack of belief in myself.

It's so funny how many times I'm on an all-time high on life. Feeling as though I'm unstoppable and what some G-Life members would say "Fierce." Then there are the very few moments when doubt develops on top of life's goals and relationships. Kinda like a pizza with way too much garlic. You know the pizza underneath the garlic is great, but because of the overwhelming amount of garlic you don't want any of piece of it. You could simply, gently wipe some of the garlic off, but you don't feel like it(laziness). So, you continue to go on hungry or order another slice. At this point in my life, I've thrown many slices in the garbage and I'm hungry.

Last night, I reread my Mis-Educated post. I wrote:

I tell my youth group all of the time, "the blood that runs through your veins is strong. Our ancestors were the strong ones that survive being captured from Africa and brought over to America under harsh measures. They over came slavery and fought during the civil rights movement. We must continue their legacy."

Black people are beautiful. Many of us have persevered through life's shortcomings. We have black millionaires who grew up on welfare and even a multi-platinum selling former drug dealer shot 9 times. LOL. Every single time, I see the Oprah Winfrey Show or just see an photograph of Sista Winfrey, a sharp object is pierced on my backside, urging me to conquer my struggles. Sista Winfrey's story, personifies what hard work and determination can get you.

But I wonder, whatever happened to the sky being the limit? How many times have you heard or read, "If you work hard enough, you can do anything?" In fact, how many times have you ever believed that you really could do anything? For me, there have been many times. When it comes time to actually go forward, most of us are besieged with the fear of discouragement, uncertainty and failure.

At these hard times, hope has disappeared. "But, what do you do when you've done all you can and it seems like you can't make it through? You just stand!" Well, I have been 'standing' in the need of prayer, seeking strength and guidance. Life on earth is too short. We must make the best of it! I think knowing yourself is the element of believing.

As I searched for my purpose, I drove to a place talking with this older man. He looked very familiar. I was amazed with his life story and the inner/outer beauty that he possessed. This brotha lived a great life that served as an inspiration to people all over the world. He informed me on discovering the love of his life and how their kids achieved beyond their successes. He testified about some of the hardest periods of his life. I told him, "I know I couldn't make it through his storms." He put his hand on his face like he was Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone and with huge smile, he said, "I am you at the end of the road."

So, lets not anticipate life's battles. They are going to come whether you are a couch potato or a busy bee.

I don't know about y'all, but I want to believe. Peter said, "If you really believe, clap your hands and you will fly." I'm clapping loud and fast. Can you see me? I'm up in the sky!

So Anxious...

2005-07-14T10:04:00.000-04:00

Something that has been plaguing me for a while is being single. I told myself I wouldn't go forth with a summer of seeking a relationship. In all actuality, I really haven't been. I've been filling some of my time with three guys. There has been Established (we are just friends now), Stedman and Bed-Stuy.

I have a problem with not going with the flow when it comes to a relationship.I have a strong tendency of wanting things my way. Well, not really my way. I want to rush things, like it’s a two-hour TV movie. I'm not trying to rush with everyone, but with men such as Stedman and Bed-Stuy, I truly think something nice can evolve from being in a relationship with either.

I have a huge fear of becoming friends and nothing more, mostly because this arrangement has never worked. In some cases, they would end up being interested in me and I would just want to remain friend, and vice versa. To me, it is extremely important to get to know someone well before entering a relationship. So, I would rather just start to go out on dates and do that... and let it be known that we are both trying to see what's really good with each other. (This was the main disagreement I had with Potential.)

When stuff wasn't going the way I wanted it to with Potential, a good friend of mine said I was being "selfish," cause I didn't want to go with the flow. I played it off like I really didn't mind him saying that. But, in all honesty, I was kinda hurt that he said it, but it was true. And me being stupid and stubborn, I went to the point of dismissing it with, "OH WELL." And you know what happened. It seems as if my selfish attitude on what I wanted wasn’t the natural progression that is needed in a successful relationship.

Well, I've been doing a lot of activities alone but within the last couple of weeks, I've been chillin with friends that I've neglected and definitely, getting to know Bed-Stuy and Stedman better. What's kinda weird is that I'm trying to get to know two guys as friends with the hope of one of the friendships evolving into a relationship. I'm suddenly pondering if I'm wrong for trying to get to know two guys simultaneously and if I should stop the hope with one, and pursue the other. Both have been listening to John Legend's "Take It Slow" (far too much) this has pushed me into the place of where I need to go(patiently going with the flow). This concept is new to me.

I'm soo damn anxious. Like the Kindred song, "I wanna go to a place where lovers go. Do the things that lover do. No Stress. A sweet caress from me to you." And I see it! I can touch it! I can feel it! I can smell it! I can dream about it! BUT, HEY, I HAVE TO WAIT! I see these brothas as silhouettes of the man I desire.

So, yeah I have my hands up and have surrendered myself to simply get to know these men (Well, I'm working on it). On top of this, last night at bible study, Pastor preached "accept your status." He talked about how we must accept being single, divorced or married. It is hard to fully accept being single. Pastor went on to say, "Learn how to be content. If it's God's will for you to be single, then be single." Uh oh! "Being single is not forever.... It's astonshing on how two people can come together as one and you know it's by divine providence.... People are putting their selves together when it should be God."

He was preaching to me last night more so on the thoughts that it's ok to be single, probably God's plan. (Did I just say that? LOL) It's going to take some time to really follow through with this acceptance.

After feeling kind of restless and lonely on Friday morning, Bed-Stuy sent me a text message: "don't feel weary about anything. be patient and focus on urself. ur a great guy dammit! ur desires will be met!" Yeah, they will... but dang, when? LOL! That's the trillion dollar question!

The answer may be “soon”. It's like I'm Harlem shaking all over cause I feel like my time is coming… like I’m on the verge of something big. I'm losing control. But, is it a good thing or bad? All I know is, I’m ready for whatever it is. Ready to go with the flow. Ready to let nature run the show. Ready to be... you know!

Peace Out East LGBT Hip Hop Festival

2005-07-14T08:42:00.000-04:00

This should be tight! Something different in the community. check out the website. I'm a fan of Buttaflysoul, his poetry is hilarious!

Peace Out East LGBT Hip Hop Festival this weekend! Please come support
our community!

Interviews and photos available upon request: Erica, Media Director
media@peaceouteast.com
Check out http://www.peaceouteast.com and forward this to anyone
interested.
Peace Out East LGBT Hip Hop Festival represents a thriving Homo Hop
community, whose presence challenges the notion of hip hop as anti-gay.
Paradigm, co-producer of Peace OUT East "Music can be used to build or
destroy. Some use hip-hop to be homophobic. We use it to build up our
people."

Friday, July 15, 2005 10pm
WORD/LIFE: Emcees and Poets in the Life
Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery @ Bleecker
Live music & spoken word featuring BARON, BUTTAFLYSOUL, TIM'M, CLAUDIA
ALICK

Saturday, July 16, 2005 1pm
Screening: "The Straight Black Folks' Guide to Gay Black Folks" and
"Incursions in Chunk"
International Action Center, 39 W. 14th St. #206

Saturday, July 16, 2005 10pm
Homo Hop Massive
Galapagos Art Space
70 N. 6th St. @ Wythe Ave.
Live performances by SOCE, EL-DON, DA LYRICAL, LYRIC, SHAYVONNA, PINO

Sunday, July 17, 2005 9pm
Peace Out East Final Concert
Nuyorican Poets Café
236 E. 3rd St. @ Ave B
Featuring BQE, SHORTY ROC, RICOSHADE, KIN, JB RAP, BRICK CITIZENZ,
GOD-DES.

Wednesday's Top Ten

2005-07-13T10:00:00.000-04:00

My body is aching from the two hour, power hour yesterday at the Tennis Courts. I had soo much fun! I can't play well at all! My boy is better than me, but not that much. It was just nice to be outside on a weekday enjoying the weather.

I think this must be Shout Out Week. This week Top Ten will give a quick Hot 97 shout out to the New Bloggers on the Block (well the one's I recently discovered.) The Fam is getting larger and larger. This is the new ADAM and BP! LMAO!

Top Ten New Bloggers on the Block (thanks Trent, for da name, LOL)

Jai I just started reading this brothas poems and spoken word pieces. Brother is truly gifted. I wish I could write him.

Stone is another slamming writer. Every time I read his post, I just sit back as he put me in a different place. He is an extremely special person!

Derrick, with his Books are Sexy Campaign going on, brotha is sexy as can be! Whoa! Hot diggity Damn! Gee Golly! Oh yeah, he blog is personal and I'm loving it! I've seen brother around for a while and didn't know he was a colorful as his blog has revealed.

Tim has been blogging for a minute, but I just started tuning in. He updates his blog daily, (YES DAILY)

PISTACHIO JOE, I was amazed that we wrote about the Purpose Driven Life on the same day. Great minds think alike! He is moving to the nyc from Chi-town this fall for grad school. So stay tuned as he begins his adventure.

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WE INTRUPT THIS POST TO GIVE YOU A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

The blogger that some of y'all love. The blogger that many of y'all hate. The blogger that a couple of people fear. Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. Trent Jackson has agreed to a PRIMETIME CHAT with Smiling.

Coming soon to a screen IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!
******************************************************************

Dirk, brotha is on da low! And has started to do some dirky things. I suggest you start reading from the beginning because it gets juicy!

Jimmy Woo, this handsome brotha has the most random post! But, it just something about him that has me waiting for what he writes almost every day.

Quaheem, he is my brother from a different mother and father. Brother is socially conscious, compassionate, intelligent, a poet, and destine for greatness. Y'all better holla at him, before he is taken.

Fratman1906. He's a kewl brotha, with a lot of knowledge that is still evolving. I must say, I love my men in black and gold, especially the bloggers.

LJ is a young brother doing his thing with Boo Boo down in MS. Brotha is definitely positive and in touch with himself.

Just in via Trent

IQ, I want to keep him for myself, LOL! Just check him out! I swear to goodness, I love my socially conscious brothas who so happen to be phine, LOL! I'm shaking it off! Oooo, help me! "I got the feeling." Let me stop, LMAO! (I am histarical right now)

It soo hard to keep up with everyone!

Don't forget the Hoe Factor post will be up this Friday! Thank you all who completed the survey.

Are there any other new blogger that I haven't mention?

Mis-Educated/Black August

2005-07-12T14:46:00.000-04:00

"History shows that it does not matter who is in power... those who have not learned to do for themselves and have to depend soley on others never obtain any more rights or privileges in the end than they did in the beginning." ~ Dr. Carter G. Woodson

As I continue to read the Mis-Education of the Negro, I am weighed down with the thought on how much history has been plagiarized and held back from us. As much as I speak on permanent issues that face us today... there is a lot about our past as a people that I still don't know. There is a horrific need for a national curriculum of inclusion. If we don't know who we are, our community will continue on rolling down hill. I tell my youth group all of the time, "the blood that runs through your veins is strong. Our ancestors were the strong ones that survive being captured from Africa and brought over to America under harsh measures. They over came slavery and fought during the civil rights movement. We must continue their legacy."

I have to take this book in waves. This book could have been published yesterday, instead of 1933. We are still Mis-Educated! Well.. at least I am.

I wanted to share with y'all some news that was just announce, the 8th Annual Black August Benefit Concert will be held on August 7th at the BB Kings Night Club Mos Def, Smif-n-wesson, DJ Evil Dee are donating their talents to promote HIV/AIDS prevention awareness. I know it's during prideinthecity, but if you want something different to do.. check this out. I'll be there!

Black August is a political project of The Malcolm X Grassroots Movement that celebrates Hip-Hop culture and pays tribute to black freedom fighters.

*****************************************************
RESISTANCE: THE ORIGIN OF BLACK AUGUST

Black August originated in the California penal system to honor fallen Freedom Fighters, Jonathan Jackson, George Jackson, William Christmas, James McClain and Khatari Gaulden. Jonathan Jackson was gunned down outside the Marin County California courthouse on August 7, 1970 as he attempted to liberate three imprisoned Black Liberation Fighters: James McClain, William Christmas and Ruchell Magee. Ruchell Magee is the sole survivor of that armed liberation attempt. He is the former co-defendant of Angela Davis and has been locked down for 40 years, most of it in solitary confinement. George Jackson was assassinated by prison guards during a Black prison rebellion at San Quentin on August 21, 1971. Three prison guards were also killed during that rebellion and prison officials charged six Black and Latino prisoners with the death of those guards. These six brothers became known as the San Quentin Six.

The brothers who participated in the collective founding of Black August wore black armbands on their left arm and studied revolutionary works, focusing on the works of George Jackson. The brothers did not listen to the radio or watch television in August. Additionally, they didn't eat or drink anything from sun-up to sundown; and loud and boastful behavior was not allowed. The brothers did not support the prison's canteen. The use of drugs and alcoholic beverages was prohibited and the brothers held daily exercises, because during Black August, emphasis is placed on sacrifice, fortitude and discipline. Black August is a time to embrace the principles of unity, self-sacrifice, political education, physical training and resistance.

Feed your mind and check out the site. www.blackaugust.com

Peace

Random stuff

2005-07-12T09:23:00.000-04:00

Random stuff

1. Keyshia Coles album. I must have heard the entire album four times yesterday. And I'm feeling it! Don't sleep.

2. I want to do take a sleep study. I think I may have sleep apnea. I'm constantly tired. Last night, I was in bed by 8:30 and didn't wake up until 7:15 and I'm still sleepy.

3. I have a sudden urge to watch A Color Purple for the billionth time.

4. Purpose Driven Life is still BANGIN! It gives it to me every day.

5. I can't wait for my boss to come back from sick leave.

6. I know there are many new bloggers out there. I want to put y'all on to something that may assist you to keep up with all of your favorite bloggers, Bloglines. With Bloglines you can enter all of you favorite blogs and they will list them and tell you when folks have updated their blogs. I have 55 blogs on my list and without it, I would go crazy! It's free, subscribe, it can save your life. (y'all addicted folks, hehehe)

7. After work, my boy and I are going to play tennis. I founded my racquet in back of my closet, LOL! This is going to be funny, cause I can't play that well and I try to play like I'm one of the Williams sistas (even with the noises, LOL). (Did y'all see Venus fight off Lindsey at the Wimbledon Finals?)

8. Leon, where is the auditions for the Blogger Road Rules?

9. I am soo mad that No4Real4Real didn't post part 2 today. He play'd us!

10. A couple of my boys asked me to live with them in September. They want to rent a one-family house. I already know that I am moving somewhere else in September, but this opportunity has approach me and I'm really considering moving in with them. The only thing they are all assumely str8 and don't know about me. HMMMM, I don't know!

11. Does anyone know the best man quote that Harold P. says to the Stripper Candy after her performance? (bernie, this is your man, you should know it, lol)

12. Don't laugh, but I have a favorite new show. It's a Rockport Nautical Mile boat shoe. I only bought it in blue/white and have been wearing them everyday since saturday. I don't match today because I love the shoe soo damn much, LOL! The shoe is extremely dorky but so comfortable. They were on sale at Macy's for $27.99. Go me, LOL!

Lights, Camera, Action!

2005-07-11T09:49:00.000-04:00

I had a pretty good weekend. Completely sober! Friday, I stayed home and watched dvds because my barber left early and I wasn't about to go out looking scruffy. Spent Saturday at the Philly Greek Fest. The step show was surprisingly great! It was kinda weird that almost all of the fraternities had a G-Life component in their show. Mocking other frats, when we all know that there are many in each frat that get down and dirty. It felt like a reunion seeing many familiar faces. It was also nice getting out of the New York area for the day.

I ended up arriving home around 6:15am on Sunday and was at church by 9:45. A brotha was tired, but pastor and the choir RIPPED IT. Afterwards, I was filled with energy and ended up going out to lunch with one of my boys and enjoyed a peaceful walk in the park while talking to a friend via cell phone, LOL. Y'all know a brother is NOW tired at work!

Here are some bloggers that are doing it up with their most recent post...

Light, Cameras, Action...

ShawnQT saves the day! Brotha, fought off a terrorist attack in New York this weekend!

Talking about Giving Y'all The Bizness, No4Real4Real finally answers the questions. Expect some talk about spirituality, insecurities and handsome bloggers. I'm eagerly anticipating part 2.

Brotha Quaheem hits us hard with some random political thoughts!

I keep on falling in love.... with you. That Brooklyn Baller speaks about falling for Great... it continues to get juicy!

Clay Clay tells his tale of living in the district and possibility of him moving. We should lobby him to bring his magic to New York!

A lesson we all must learn by Tim. I know I've had the hard way.

A lesson we all must learn by Rashid talks about life in the fast lane. I'm sure we all can relate to him. Let's show him some love. Dang, I need his book.

I'm working on a post entitled, "The Hoe Factor" for Friday. A couple of y'all that have aim or e-mail, I have some questions to ask y'all so hit me up!

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Oh yeah, I finally picked up my Keyshia Coles album from my boy and it's surprisingly GOOD!

Mistaken Identity...

2005-07-08T14:57:00.000-04:00

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

~a forward

Purpose Driven Life

2005-07-07T00:48:00.000-04:00

Last Friday, I took off work and decided to do some shopping and go see a movie. On my way to the mall, I decided to go to my favorite Christian Store. I didn't know what I was going to buy, but I wanted something inspirational. Fasting had me a little light headed. For some strange reason, I decided to call Potential (who I haven't spoken to in a month) and asked for a book suggestion. I've been reading the MisEducation of the Negro by Carter G. Woodson and it's a deep book that can bring a brother down with reality. So, I wanted something to read, like an inspirational Christian story.

He suggested to buy, The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. At first I was a little taken aback from the title. I thought about how I have goals and a purpose. And Potential after getting to know me, should already know this! After finding the book, I wanted to read the first couple of lines.

It reads:

It's not about you.

The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness. It's far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions. If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God. You were born by his purpose and for his purpose.

Whoa, Can I get an Amen? Amen. So yes, I bought the book and the journal. Before entering the mall, I sat in my car (it was hot out!) and read the introduction and the first chapter. I was brought to tears because at that very moment, I just entered a New Level of MY SPIRITUALITY! It is not a self-help book. Purpose Driven Life "is a guide to a 40-day spiritual journey that will enable you to discover the answer to life's most important question: What on earth am I here for?"

It seems as if for a long time I was singing the Mya f/Sisco song, "It's all about me." Thinking... It's all about what I want to do, about what I want to be, about where I wanna go. But, in all actuality it's not all about me.

On day three, the lines that struck me like a strip of lightning 26 times (Like in War of the Worlds) was:

Without a clear purpose you have no foundation on which you base decisions, allocate your time , and use your resources. You will tend to make choices based on circumstances, pressures, and your mood at that moment. People who don't know their purpose try to do too much-- and that causes stress, fatigue and conflict.

It is impossible to do everything people want you to do. You have just enough time to do God's will. If you can't get it all done., it means you're trying to do more than God intended for you to do ( or, possibly, that you're watching too much television.)/span>

That's it, I watch too much television, LOL. I've been acting like I'm some kind of Super Smiling. But, I'm not... I'm just a young black man in search of what purpose God has for him. So, I'll have my purpose driven life.

The 7-day fast was tough, but it brought forth some clarity. The first couple of days, I was in deep thought and emotional from analyzing my entire being. On Sunday, I was blessed with a scripture that I needed. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11). From the 7-day fast to purchasing the book, then from hearing the scripture on the radio as I ironed my clothes for church to pastor preaching about the same scripture.... All I could hear was Margaret Avery singing from the Color Purple, "Gods Tryna Tell You Something." And right now, I'm listening!

Wednesday's Top Ten... well Top Five Today

2005-07-06T09:03:00.000-04:00

It's my last day of fasting. It has brought forth so much clarity (although on the fourth of July, I had to eat by 3pm, lol). I'm still overwhelmed at work. With the help of Redd, I decided that this Wednesday will be my Top Five Musicals. Yes, I know, so G-Life of me to really enjoy the theatre. Oh well, can't fake the phunk!

Top Five Musicals

Gypsy - My second all time favorite musical. Remember, "Let me entertain you." Or at the end when Mama Rose bangs out, "Everything Coming Up Roses for me and for you." I swear to goodness, I love this story! I wish I could have seen Angela Lansbury on Broadway playing Mama Rose. But, Bernadette Peters did her thing in 2003 (ripped it), although, Bette Midler was my favorite Rose. Favorite song is "Together Wherever We Go."

Dream Girls - I wish I were there for the orginal production with Sarah Lee Ralph, Jennifer Holiday and Loretta Devine. The film better be GREAT! I know y'all know why I love this musical... ("I am changing," is playing in my head right now.)

Aida - This is the first musical I treated my family. It was during Christmas Break from freshman year in college and we all dressed up and my Moms took us to the Tavern on the Green. (Memories like a corner in my eye, LOL). I really didn't know the meaning of Fierce until I heard Heather Headley perform in this musical. Sista is BAD To The BONE. (unfortunately she has jungle fever, sike nah, lol.) This African story is brilliant! With the touch of Elton John and Tim Rice, they brought it alive. I was mad that they had Michelle from DC do an extended stay. But, I'm sure Toni, Simone and Deborah worked it out!

The Life - While a freshman in HS (1996), one of my friends invited me to see The Life with his family. This is a musical about pimps and prostitutes in 1980s Time Square. Battling issues of love, sex, greed and betrayal. It was a short-lived Broadway production that ended up winning Tonys for Best Actress and Actor. (I think the opened up the 1997 Tonys) Cy Coleman hooked the music up! The cast belted their azzes off!

RAGTIME - My Goodness! While I was in college, the musical theatre department didn't have a lot of black folks, so they had an open audition for brown students. I had a couple of friends in the MT Dept and asked my best friend and I to audition. I was extremely nervous because the MT Dept is one of the best in the country. My best friend sung, "Cry me a river." (As in the Justin Timberlake song) It was hilarious! She sung the end of the song, when the choir comes in and sings, Cry me a river, oh. FUNNY! I ended up singing O' Holy Night, which I must say was the best damn time I ever performed that song. I shocked the mess out of me, when I hit the Fall on your knees part. So, they wanted me to sing another song, I was kinda pissed cause they didn't ask my best friend for a second song. So, I sang, "Together, Wherever We Go" (a la Gypsy. And guess what? We both made it! The first time we performed in Costume on the set, I was in tears because of the impact this musical will have on the audience. We had ten awesome performances. I never had a high like opening night.

Aiight enought of me.

Synopsis: This musical is a tapestry of New York area life in the first decades of the 20th century. People from radically different walks of life -- an African-American family, a Jewish immigrant family and a wealthy suburban WASP family -- see their lives intersect in the aftermath of a crime, with unexpectedly emotional results. .

Someday, I would love to play Coalhouse Walker! I was trying to surprise shawty from Bed-Stuy and take him to Jersey to see the play over the weekend. But, y'all know how bruthas are, LOL! PUNK!

Honorable Mentions: Guys and Dolls (Luck Be A Lady, my joint), Miss Siagon (I was at the second to last Broadway Show, I think in 2000), and King and I (with Lou Diamond Phillips, set design was outstanding.) The Color Purple (haven't seen it yet, but hopefully this fall with Brotha Clay.)

Dang, I just relived some memories. I need to audition and see a show! LMAO!

So, what are your all-time favorite musicals? (and don't just list every musical you ever saw)

Miles To Go Before I Rest

2005-06-30T15:44:00.000-04:00

"We tend to
idolize productivity to the point where it covers our mind," said
my Deacon, last night at bible study. This statement hits home
right now. I'm stuck on being successful no matter what.
Unfortunately, I am willing to take on things that begin to have me
stressed out. It becomes a priority to be at the right spot, in the
right organization and know the right people.

align="justify">
Most times, I feel as though I'm doin the damn thing. I
constantly make sure my name is out in the community, in efforts to
promote myself and to anything I'm attaching my name. This prevents
me from truly taking care of myself. I place my needs second to the
needs of others and organizations. I stress myself out to the point
where I feel like giving up and just doing NOTHING. Tired. Tired of
just living an unfulfilled life because home is so empty at the end
of the day.

As stated in a previous post, I've been chillin by myself
the last few days, trying to figure out what's really good!
Yesterday, I took myself out to a diner before bible study and
headed to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and smiled. Said to
myself, "Smiling, you can get it." Lol, sike nah. I just stared at
myself and thanked God. Early that day, I was given some alarming
news involving me personally. Of course, I called two friends, but
I forgot to pray about it.

At bible study, the facilitator talked about how often we seek out
people for advice instead of asking God. Talked about how we
received earthy wisdom in lieu of righteous wisdom. But, most
importantly, he talked about Standing Still, The Battle Belongs To
The Lord.

My desire to Be All That I Can Be stresses me the F**K out. But,
yesterday I was told the Word tells us that faithful will bring
forth Fruit. It is a struggle to give all of my worries to the
Lord. Im naturally a worrier (I blame this on my mother).

Things Im going to work towards in order to live a Righteous
Life

1. Choose to Pray over my battles, instead of worrying over them.
This will help release my conflicts unto the Lord
2. In my prayers seek wisdom. JC will provide me with the strength
and courage.
3. Choose to control my tongue. Know when to listen and when to
talk. I love to talk and listen. But, I want to listen more than I
talk.
4. Choose to love. Im a firm believer that love will set you
free. I would like to strengthen my will to love my enemy and
myself in times of despair.
5. Last night, I decided to go on a seven-day liquid fast (FYI
Eat after 6pm.)

Now I pray for His wisdom and guidance as I walk in VICTORY!
Its a tough world, but with JC on my side, yall
better watch out!

Top Ten Wednesday!

2005-06-29T08:28:00.000-04:00

Despite all of the allegations and remarks on Bill Cosby, we still must give THANKS for creating the Cosby Show and A Different World. From what I've read, he made sure black people where in positions of power on both shows. A Different World was responsible for making a lot of black kids WANT to go to college and pursue it. These sitcoms showed me a different side of black folks. I always wanted a Dad just like Cliff and a man, don't laugh, just like Dwayne Wayne, young, smart and genuine (especially the later years). Plus, I wanted Rudy as my wife.

I can never stop watching the repeats. So today's Top Ten are five of my favorite episodes of both shows. It was hard to slim it down to 5 each, but I did it! I know y'all remember all of them!

The Cosby Show aka Best Damn Sitcom of All Time

Rudy friends on Cliff's Lap ~ It was one episode, Rudy friends came over for a party. And Cliff was entertaining them. He had all of these kids on his lap shaking them all over the place. I remember what european decent big boy on his lap and Cliff was acting like a plane was crashing. (My best friend is one of the girls in that episode.)

Stevie Wonder - Remember when the family was invited into the studio Stevie Wonder. And they did that song, Jamming on the One. They should have release that single, LOL.

Pregnant - Remember when all of the men were pregnant. That episode was the best.

Rudy sings - Remember when the kids got together and sung the Ray Charles song. And Rudy killed her part singing, "BABY.. BABY oh Baby." When I saw Ray for the first time and Regina King song it, all I could think about was lil Rudy.

Theo's Life lesson - My favorite episode of the Cosby show was when they tried to teach Theo a lesson about living on his own. Remember when Rudy was the landlord with those grandma glasses. They gave him monopoly money to pay his bills and cockroach was his model agent.

Oh yeah, Clare was my girl... i love her laugh and when she gets strict with the children.

A Different World aka A show that really needs to be duplicated on prime time television.

Kim insane - Kim could sing her behind off. Remember when she was playing in Ron's band and then she turned into a diva

Domestic Violence - You can't forget when Gena's boyfriend was beating on her and she had to wear those glasses and purple shoes. Lena was about to kick the boys butt. We need shows that produce discussion like this, because it happens soo often in our community.

Freddie and Ron - Who would imagine that Freddie and Ron would hook-up. It was juicy up in the radio station while the power it out. I wish it was on cable, LOL!

Dwayne and Whitley - I wanted to kick Whitley's back out, when they married sike nah. But, it took years for them to finally exchange vows. I loved all the episodes, like when he broke up her wedding until they said I do.

Tisha Campbell/Whoopi AIDS - The most powerful episode was when Tisha Campbell announced to her college class taught by Whoppi, she was HIV Positive. It dealt with the real stigma toward those who live with the virus that causes AIDS. Tisha did her thing, it would have been awesome if she stayed as a permanent character. After that episode, I loved Mr. Gaines character.

Oh yeah... I loved every episode with Dianne Carroll and Patti LaBelle

Random stuff

2005-06-28T08:46:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm much better than last thursday morning.

Had some random stuff to blog about.

1. Get down clubs have seen enough of me for a long time. Luke's on thursday was funky/smelly. I had lots of fun at the octagon, but was extremely tired from my event I had on Saturday. I should of went to Bed-Stuy, LOL (smile) (mind y'all business)

2. What does Bush have to say tonight? I refuse to get pissed off before I go to bed. I'll just see what Matt and Katie has to report in the morning. (By the way, I love the Today Show).

3. Keyshia Cole latest single, "to be over" is stuck in my head since last thurday. Krucial Keys did there thing with that beat. That La La part is the truth. My boy bought the CD for me... I need to go pick that out.

4. I had a really good time on Sunday. I treated myself out to a tour of Italy via Olive Garden, lol and went to go see Batman Begins. Plus, I had a lot of fun roaming the aisles of Target, buying some stuff I didn't need. Came home and watched Criminal Intent and fell asleep. It was really nice to go out alone and feel fulfilled. Yesterday, I rented movies (National Treasure and The Aviator) and ordered chinese afterwork.

5. Highlight of the morning... my roll dawg, Shawty texted message Luv U Punk. And I replied, Hate U, lol!

6. For the last couple of days, I've been taking it slow with the men, I'm interested in. Stedman called yesterday at work, to see how my weekend turned out. He is like a turtle! And there is someone else, I really want to get to know.

7. Ready to plan a August summer vocation. Not sure who I'm going with, but since I had soo much fun on sunday, I may end up by myself.

8. My boss is out on sick leave till mid-August and I'm swamp with work. This is going to be a long JULY! I decided to take off the rest of the week off from my second gig. Although, I've been going to bed early, I'm still very sleepy.

9. Tomorrow is Top Ten Wednesday and it's going to be fun. I'm all geeked about it now.

Peace!

Right Now...

2005-06-27T10:37:00.000-04:00

Right Now

I feel so blessed
That my God will make a way
That easy victories are cheap
Only those which come as a result of a struggle are worthwhile

Right Now

I know why the sun rises every day
I know why after the storm a rainbow appears
I know the reason why Donnie sung, "Stand"
I know there is LIFE in a dried up raison

Right Now

The spirit of the Lord is here
Giving me the ability
To envoke the spirit of
My Mother
Dr. King
Malcolm X
Stokely Carmichael
My Grandma

Right Now

I am that Wizard of Me
Telling my soul
That you have a brain, heart and courage
And that home is where my heart is

Right Now

I feel like going on (sung at the end of five heartbeats, the movie)
The Lord will provide the next step to take
He has already ordered my steps

Right Now

I'm still confused on what life will bring me
But, a glimpse of hope
Has provided me
The faith I need to survive and
A vision of me and Greatness painted
All over my glass house.

Right Now

I'm tired and praying
For strength and guidance
Lord, hear my prayer!

Who knows what will happen
For the rest of today, tomorrow
Next year
Next decade
All I know is the way that I Feel
And this feeling is Real
I just can't explain it!

Right Now

2005-06-23T09:01:00.000-04:00

Right Now

I feel like slapping somebody
Better yet, I feel like pissing on somebody
Angry at life and the lack of understanding of it
You think you know but you have no idea

Right Now

I feel like knocking somebody the f**k out
Maybe, because I grew up around violence
I don't even care
I don't even care about contradicting myself
Like a dried up raison in the sun, Why should I care

Right Now

I feel like F**KIN somebody
Ejecting my pain and all of my deadly sins
Who knows why the damn wind blows
Who knows why a house is not a home

Right Now

I feel like crying like I never had before
Attempting to discharge my compassion, my love, my smile
Going into the Dark Side
Embracing it
So I'll never feel, touch, see, hear or smell

Right Now

I feel like changing who I am
I'm Oscar the Grouch
Darth Vader
Jim Crow
DON'T YOU KNOW

I'm the lion without courage
The tin man without a heart
The scarecrow without a brain
See I'm Dorothy with my red pumas
Clicking
"There is no place home"
And there is No Wizard helping this brotha out

Right Now

I feel like getting on my damn knees and pray
Cause I don't know if I'll make it today.

Top Ten Wednesday and stuff

2005-06-22T08:41:00.000-04:00

For the last two days, I've been working out, running/jogging/walking four miles, and feeling sore, LOL! Unfortunately, I've been wearing some ProKeds at the park, so now I'm walking with a slight limp. Definitely going to buy some running shoes this week. I need a ipod bad! Four miles with only my thoughts is CRAZY. But, I'm tryna Kill'em for the white party in July and the FIBO party in August.

Been going through severe mood swings and I don't know where its coming from. I'm one of the organizers for a HUGE event on saturday and by the grace of God, in the past two weeks he has blessed us with everything we needed! Plus, I'm having part two next week of the event I had in May. And not to mention, this weekend is going to be rowdy, lol! I'm getting kinda stressed! But, I know he will work it out.

Right after I typed soundtracks last week, I immediately thought of this week Top Ten! I thought about favorite cartoon tv shows.

Smurfs - Man, what y'all know about Papa Smurf?

Animanics - they definitely were wacky and toony, LOL. I loved that baby whose voice was
Crea Summers aka Freddie from A Different World

Carebears - I know this is so G-Life of me. Carebears are the truth and I'm not afraid to type it, LOL. It was awesome to see all of them different and have the strong ability to work out problems. We need more shows like this! Of course with a G-Life bear.

He-man - I used to have a lot of He-man toys. Yo, skeletor was a loser! Even the movies was bangin, I wanted a Part II.

Chip'n'Dale - Chip, Chip, Chip Chip'n'Dale Rescue Rangers. (Stop singin!) When I was a kid, I made sure I was home at 3:30 to watch those squirrels.

Duck Wing Duck - You better watch out you bad boys. (Again, stop singing) Duck Wing was OFF DA HOOK!

Recess - the only cartoon on this list that is still being made. I watched this show every saturday if I'm home, plus I own the movie.

Duck Tales - Awho who. All of that money, I use to dream of swimming in that vault.

Chipmunks - Alvin, Simon, Theodore, doot doot dododoot. My grandma bought me all three stuff animals. I think I still have them packed away. I remember when they had Alvin singin, Bad to Bone. Those song breaks were awesome!

Transformers - HOLLA, IF YOU HEAR ME! The original Transformers was unbeatable. Octamis Prime was me, LOL!

ABSOLUTE FAVORITE:

ThunderCats - Back in the Day, when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore, but some days I wish i was a kid again. Everyone say, Thunder Cat HOOOOOOO! This is my all-time favorite cartoon... At one time, I wanted the emblem tattooed on my arm. I wonder if the show is on DVD, if so, one of y'all can buy it for me, LOL!

Honorable Mentions: Sailor Moon,Tale Spin, Proud Family, and Rug Rats

Dang, I took myself back! On some real stuff... y'all are gonna love next week!

Did I leave any out?

Nature Flow

2005-06-20T09:34:00.000-04:00

September 2000, I began my sophomore year in college. I had awesome summer, working on a huge political campaign and a prominent national black leader, coordinated a huge initiative and practice civil disobiediance at a national event. I came back to school a changed man.

I immediately began chatting on BP, (yes, I was a bp hoe, haven't we all been at sometime, LOL). I began to converse with Stedman (no he doesn't look like Stedman, names just suits him.) We used to talk all of the time, I didn't have a cell phone, so my phone bill at school was high from calling him because he went to school four states away. (I think that bill, still isn't paid, LOL)

Stedman and I had some intense conversations as well as phone fun (if you know whatI mean, hehehe). We talked for years, from 2000 up until 2003. Stedman used to edit my papers and speeches. Even when I was going through a hard process to get into something, he was the only person I called for support. Stedman was frustrated with my paranioa, this eventually drove us apart. He has been forgotten up until last week.

For some strange reason, I decided to go on blackplanet chat last Wednesday. I haven't chatted on bp since last year. After reading someone's page, I requested a private chat, asked a few prerequisite questions and we exchanged aim names. Immediately, we both said that our screennames looked familar. I asked, "where did you go to school?" and from there memories came flushing in my mind. I was cheesing hard. We caught up on a lot of thing! Spoke on the phone until he could hear me snoring. A feeling of relief came into my mind. Stedman was the one man that I truly felt that I was compatible with.

He brought up some deep moments we shared with each other. Yo, on some real shyt, I was getting geeked. I haven't felt this way, since I began talking to Potential. And I really didn't want to mess this up. So, I asked him to come up here for a date (oh, he lives an hour and a half away, which isn't that bad since we both have cars.) I swear to goodness, my Kool-Aid smile was SWEET as he approached my house. I really was unsure how he looked because it was soo long ago that I saw his pic. But, brother pulled up and heart fluttered with DAMN! Not to mention his car is off da hezzy!

So, we drove to this new jazz cafe that I went to a couple of weeks ago. Now, I never been on a friday, so, I was disappointed when the live jazz was someone on an electronic piano playing jazz. But, Stedman didn't mind at all. At this point, I'm not sure if he is into me or not. He's really into eye contact while conversing across from each other. Normally, I am into eye contact as well, but gazing at this brotha's Pretty Brown Eyes sends strange unlived emotions to my mind, body and head (which one?lol). (The piano player packs up and India.Arie first album Acoustic Soul begins to play.)

As we talk about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, my songs are playing (Video, Brown Skin and Strength, Courage and Wisdom). When it gets to Nature, I try to stop all of my fantasies of being with this brother for a lifetime, attempting not only to hear the lyrics but live them.

Where we'll go, baby I don't know

Maybe we should just let nature run the show

Where we'll go, baby I don't know

Maybe we should just let nature run the show

Like the sun shines and

The wind blows

Like the birds fly

And the moon glows

If I am meant for you and

You are meant for me

Then we will flow together

Everlastly

I felt extremely comfortable with him. Although, it was our first time meeting in person, I knew Stedman for years (in my dreams!). We ended up going bowling. I whopped that boy behind the first game... so, of course I had to take a bathroom break and call Redd and tell him how excited I am. (Sorry, Baby for disturbing dinner!) I let him win the second game, because I could tell by his face he doesn't like to lose, just like me!

Our drive back to my place was kewl. We talked mostly about music and what we had going on for the rest of the weekend. He asked if I could go down to Six Flags with him and his best friends, but I had a conference all day Saturday. It was so many people out chillin on my block, so we didn't chat long in front of my house, so he was on his way back home. I entered my apt and didn't know what to think. I ended up going to sleep only to be awakened an hour later by Stedman's phone call. He wanted to say how much he enjoyed meeting me and hope we could chill sometime soon.

I kept it kewl all weekend. Stedman actually called a few times on Saturday and Sunday. I'm debating on asking him to accompany me to the Kem/Fantasia Concert on Sunday.

At the end of Nature, she sings, "Maybe we'll get it right." Maybe we will, may we won't. I'm trying to overdose with chill pills to calm myself down. The moment she sung, "go with the flow," I knew whole heartedly what she meant. But, she kept on saying it... I told myself, go with the flow, but she kept on and on singing, "Go with the flow." I never knew why she sung that line over and over until I realized that you can't force nature... you must go with the flow!

Top Ten Wednesday!

2005-06-15T08:40:00.000-04:00

Before I begin, I want to give a huge

THANK YOU

to everyone who commented on my last post! This is why I keep posting, FREE THERAPY (LOL)!

So, yesterday, I worked all day on a campaign for the second Tuesday in a row. I'm so glad nyc primary is in september. Because like my boy, Jimmy Woo says, "It's AFRICA Hot Out." I can't stand this heat and working outside is no joke. Of course, I viewed my blog periodically from my phone and was feeling great after reading so many wonderful comments. I even had to call Redd at work because James Brown was playing in my head, (I feel good, dadada.. u know it). Oh yeah, no more dumpster scenes, LOLOLOL! I promise!

Of course, like a dork, I was thinking about what the next top ten would be. So, I texted message myself all of the soundtracks that I have mentioned. Lately, I haven't purchase a soundtrack since Ray, and that was last summer. What happen? I dunno.

10 Ten Soundtracks

Preacher's Wife - The first of my Whitney led soundtracks! Sista blew me way with, "I believe in You and Me." Annie Lennox hooked it up with "Step by Step." Georgia Mass Choir did their thing with Whitney. And even the last song in the movie, "Joy to the World," is a slammer!

Mohogany - Honestly, the main reason why this soundtrack is on the list because I completely forgot about it when I did the movies list, in addition I'm completely in love with "Do you know where you going to?" I was very excited when Sara Stokes from Da Band was blowing it up.

What's Love Got To Do With It? I know all of y'all G-Life brothas know all the songs from Proud Mary to Nutbush City Limits to What's Love Got To Do With It?. I love Ms. Turner.

Love Jones - Hopeless is my song! Sweetest Thing - Lauryn Hill and Sumthin' Sumthin' - Maxwell off the chain! And who can forget, Brother to the Night (A Blues for Dina) aka Daruis' Poem performed by Larenz Tate, that shyt make you wanna moan.

Saved the Last Dance this was really an official mixed tape. They had some of my favorite songs at the time, such as Breathe and Stop, Only You, and Get it on Tonight... plus jill scott tore the theme up.. fredro starr needs to retire.

Love and Basketball - Y'all remember at the Prom and the started playing Guy's I like and you started to role your neck, LOL! They loaded this soundtrack with jams... like It Takes Two (i
know y'all freaks know about that, lol). But the track the made me a Me'shell Ndegeocello fan was Fool of Me. That chorus is simple but real, if your going through it.

The Bodyguard - I adore Whitney! To me, this was her best album ever. I Have Nothing, I'm Every Woman, Queen of the Nigth, Run to You, Jesus Loves Me, and I'll Always Love You. Enough Said!

Set It Off - How many of y'all actually bought this album? I use to kill it! My favorites are Missing You (I know y'all love that one), Days of Our Livez- Bone Thugs (best BT song ever), Don't Let Go (love) Envogue, Sex Is On My Mind - Blulight (Download this song right NOW!), Angel -Simply Red, and Let it Go - Ray J. ( I couldn't hate on him for this one).

Waiting to Exhale - This album will always remain special to me because of L (see my, Where is he now post?) I really don't have to explain it... powerful sisters singing because they are waiting to exhale like most of us. You know i'm right, LOL!

The Best Man - My all time favorite soundtrack! I swear to goodness, I love this album! I can listen to this entire album 10times a day. Many folks didn't know that Beyonce sung, Here I am (the song Monica Calhoun walked down the aisle to and had everyone tearing up, lol). That song is going to play at my reception. Turn Your Lights Down Low - Lauryn/Marley (one of the best colab ever made!), even Kenny Lattimore killed it with Beautiful Girl. One of the things I love most about this soundtrack is the fact that most of the songs appear in the movie (although, I wish Candy was on the album). Even from the beginning when Taye gets in the car with Harold and you hear The Roots' What you want (that beat is murda.)

Honorable Mention: Next Friday and Rush Hour

Do y'all have any to include?

He's Just Not For You!

2005-06-13T09:15:00.000-04:00

I have a problem. Of course, I have many, but yesterday this problem was in the corner and with the spot light shining above it.

I like nice men. Actually, I love nice men! It's extremely simple, if your nice, I love you, LOL! Whether you're a nice dork, nice thug, nice pretty boy, I like you!

Yesterday, I was eating pizza on Christopher and Hudson (this is my third time on C-St. in 8 days, I need to start hitting up brooklyn, LOL) with CountryGrammar and Established. We talked about men and CountryGrammar, who has known me for a while, pointed out how much I focused on the appeared mindset aka niceness of someone before the overall package.

This reference jogged many thoughts on where I've been, where I am now and where I really need to be.

Where I've been:

I'm a huge fan of meeting men on the Internet. It gives me the opportunity to scan through some of the folks that I meet. Back in the BP days, I would hit up people based on what they stated on their page. We would correspond through notes and later instant messenger and the phone.

I would be immediately intrigued if they had that appeared genuine niceness about them. At times when it became time to meet, I would be disappointed with their physical appearance, masculinity and overall attitude that changed tremendously in person (and they might have felt the same way about me). Only left to feel stupid because I hoped that they were the ONE. It baffles me that after many encounters like these I kept repeating the cycle as if it was some type of syndrome.

April of 2004, I broke down at the mall, because things didn't go as plan with someone I was really feeling. I ran behind the dumpster and called my boy, Devon and cried like a new born baby. At that moment, I knew it was time for a change. Devon, thankfully called Redd and told him what happen and Redd told me some advice that I needed. (Meet people as friends and go from there.) Since then, I've met some great people last summer and had a ball. Plus, I used a lot of my energy striving to improve myself.

But, none of those friendships evolved into a relationship because we were just friends. I have this complex that once you are a friend, its hard to get deeper because you don't want to damage a good friendship.

Where I am now:

Recently, I've been meeting a couple of people that I've been chatting with for a while. I've had an open mind when meeting them, which helps a lot with the disappointment side. Some of these men are doing soo many things in their lives and I'm really digging that, secretly wanting to do the damn thing together.

As I "pass that infatuation staged" based on their niceness things begin to happen or appear that I'm just not into. Part of me says its because of their imperfection sometime I spoke about in my penny with a whole in it post. But, I'm not petty like that, so I keep on, knowing I don't like particular things about the person. For instance, someone that smoke... I hate cigarette smoke with a passion.. but my stupid azz will continue to pursue. Right now, I'm realizing that there are certain things that I just don't care to tolerate with someone that I want to pursue.

Since our first encounter, Established and I have chilled three time. He is a great person. My friends thinks he is kewl (it could be because he bought them drinks at the club, lol). But, there are several things that I'm not into, making me realized that he is not for me. On the upside, I've made a new friend that I know I will bug out with over the summer.

With this newfound mindset, it limits a lot more men. Making me feel picky when all I want is a nice man. But, every nice man is not for me (hmmmm.. just don't know)

Where I really need to be:

Chillin with my lover! (that's it)

LOL

Sike nah, I need to relax and take a chill pill. Lately, I've been making some power moves to improve myself even more.

I can be very shy, when it comes time to spit game at someone I may see at the club. (I need to be drunk or almost drunk to approach someone.) Even last thursday @ Luke and Leroy this dude I've heard about and have seen around was there. Brother is on point (my ideal physical type), and word on the street is he is a nice guy. With this knowledge, I need to holla and see what's good. But, of course, it doesn't work out like that. Mainly because of my ridiculous fear of rejection and being insecure. Well, my goal is to ask him out before the summer ends (well, if i'm still single, lol).

I just want to get to a point where my confidence is release and there is no more broken silence.... only going after who has the package that I'm looking for (well, at least 95%), LOL. It's time to network!

************************************************************
JUST-IN
Destiny Fulfilled - Its a wrap. D3 are no more after the tour. I really need to get some tickets!

Bills, Car, Men...

2005-06-09T14:50:00.000-04:00

Bills are the main thing about being an adult that I dislike. On top of that, I hate all car bills. From gas to car insurance. Even further, paying money to fix my car. (Yeah, I KNOW!)

Well, this morning as I was driving to work, all of a sudden, smoke starts to come out of the hood and every time I hit the gas it makes a loud sound. So, I pulled over on the parkway to call my grandfather, and he said it's probably the exhaust pipe and it's ok to drive. I immediately asked, "What is this about to cost me?" It ended up being 148.87 (including a much needed oil change.)
My car is driving better than ever!

It wasn't that bad, but I just didn't want to pay for it. Now, y'all know I still don't have my car radio and I'm still using my discman headsets while driving (is that illegal? hmmm...). So, I said let me price some radios . And guess what? I made an appointment on Saturday to get a new CD Player (Go ME!) LOL! I'm so giddy about it! Now, I can pump up the music this summer!

****************************************************
DAMN THIS HEAT! THIS IS GOING TO BE A HOT SUMMER! IT'S NOT EVEN JULY!
****************************************************

Established, Shawty and I are headed to Luke and Leroy's tonight. Need to get a signed copy of James Earl Hardy's last installment of BBoyBlues, (thanks Rod!). I haven't really spoken to Established because I've been really busy and contemplating if I really want to pursue. Established and I have things in common but we are different in more ways. For instance, Established doesn't believe in voting and y'all know me... I'm a strong voting advocate (you should have seen me Tuesday working a campaign). After he told me his voting theory, I told him, "I rather not discuss this right now." LOL! Plus, I'm not sure if my friends will like him, he is a little on the boogie side, but he doesn't over do it." He has some core ideals that I'm truly into...

But, lately, I really haven't been feeling like dealing with the aggravation of pursuing someone. You know the whole getting to know you and finding out that it just don't work? Or finding out someone just wants to get it in? Or just trying to figure out what the person wants? Or spend the whole summer searching and failing, yet not really enjoying yourself?

One the other hand, I don't want to let someone go that may be the one for right now!

Feel me?

Wednesday's Top Ten

2005-06-08T10:08:00.000-04:00

I've been running out of things to post about. So, I have decided that on Wednesdays will be Smiling's Top Ten. It actually started last Wednesday; I just didn't know it, lol.

I'm a movie buff. I absolutely love MOVIES. I can stay in the house all day watching them. They are very therapeutic for me. It gives me two hours not to think about anything going on in my life.

Smiling’s Top Ten Movies…

Ghost - Whoppi, Patrick and Demi played their part. This movie made me laugh and cry. The ceramic scene SEXY. DITTO!

Kids - I think every person in America needs to see this film. The movies shine light on what are some of the thoughts of sex with urban youth. Growing up, I saw my boys and stepbrothers while we were teenagers; get a girl in HS to suck everyone off in the same room. No one thought about HIV and other STDs. After seeing this movie, you better STOP and THINK about IT.

Shawhawks Redemption - I don't even have to talk about it. I know y'all love it!

John Q - Tear jerker. I seen this movie three times when it was in theater and probably about ten times on cable or dvd and I can never stop tearing up. The part that gets me is when Denzel wants to die for his son. That's true LOVE.

The Green Mile - POWERFUL MOVIE. For me, the movie talked about faith. How powerful faith really is. Michael Clarke Duncan did a great job with this role.

Goonies - One of my childhood favorites. I love adventure movies involving kids (even today, lol). I use to wish I were apart of the group finding the ship.

My Best Friends Wedding - I know I sound like a true dork for saying this, but Julia Roberts is my favorite actress. (SHUT UP!) When they sang, "Forever," Dionne Warrick song, it was over! I've always envisioned that I would be Julia when my best friend, who I rarely post about, BLat tells me he is getting married and I’m oppose to his fiancé cause I’m in love with him. (where not going to get into that, lol)

Primary Colors - I love a good political movie. This movie is very honest on what goes on behind the scenes. Even having the token Blackee (I know). Plus, Emma Thomas rocks in the movie.

What's Love Got To Do With it? - Dang, this movie never gets old. Angela Bassett, Lawrence Fishburne and Vanessa Bell Calloway should have won Oscars. That rape scene in the recording booth looked soo damn real. And I know all of you know that Buddist Chant, Non biho Kente (something like that, LOL).

The BEST MAN – I’ve must have watched this movie dozens of times. Taye, Terrance, Morris, Harold, Nia, Monica, Sanaa, Melissa and Regina did a wonderful job. I love to see young, successful black folks in movies. Malcolm Lee needs to find another great script. Can we get a G-Life Version?

MY ALL TIME FAVORITE MOVIE

The Color Purple – “You told Harpo to Beat me.” LOL You can quote this movie all day! It pisses me off when the talk about Steven Spielberg greatest movies and they don't talk about The Color Purple. This cast was phenomenal just like Ray. And where is Whoopi's Oscar for this film? (FYI – this is my favorite movie, I don’t care what y’all say, its is M.I.N.E. ONLY!)

Honorable Mentions: Manchurian Candidate (Meryl did the damn thing!), New Jersey Drive (people slept on this movie.), Far From Heaven, Willy Wonker (Johnny Depp better not ruin my movie), Dreamers (with Michael Pitt, don’t sleep), Lion King (best cartoon ever!), Fresh (I know my NYC Bloggers seen this one!), CRASH (go see it today!) and Love and Basketball (soundtrack is bonkers.)

Do you have any Honorable Mentions?

Cool Like That

2005-06-08T09:48:00.000-04:00

The Grammy award winning Hip Hop Trio, Digable Planets, are reuniting for a tour. They are coming to NYC, July 7th. You know its going to be off tha hook! I am there!

Does anyone know when Alanis Morrisettes 10th anniv. jagged little pill is coming out? You know its going to be off the hook!

Oh yeah, go buy Common's new CD, BE, it's off the hook! Go, the second single is off the heezy!

PEACE!

Cheers to a Great Weekend

2005-06-06T18:14:00.000-04:00

LMAO! I didn't not have a pic on Trent's page. I was just kidding! Come on, I'm still SmilingontheDL!

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I've been a little overwhelmed with some of the things I'm involved in. Sometime it feels as though, I'm living for organizations and even people. But, not this weekend!

Thursday

My boy, Shoprite and I went to an open mic night at this new jazz cafe. I haven't seen Shoprite in months, he was apart of my 2004 summer chill peeps. After running into him on adam and men4now (don't say anything Grae) not knowing it was him and vice versa we made sure we chilled. The poets were on fire. Very political and inspiring. Not to mention the crowd was bangin. Ran into several acquaintances, one that was the featured artist. He killed it and I'm using him for an event in July.

I've always admired spoken word artist (like EMO) because they can inform/testify/entertain at the same time. Everyone was all upset with the system, yet the artist didnt' give the people direction on what to do next. There must be a way to channel this energy to the masses. Making it appealing to learn whats going on and doing positive things against the negative.

Back to my weekend.

Friday

I attended a state-wide conf. on Community Service. Workshops ON POINT! Networked my ass off! Even the food was great! Truly a day on, rather than a day off!

Since February, I've been chatting with this brotha name Brando (cuz he really talks like Marlon Brando when he was in Godfather, NO JOKE!). We've been canceling on each other for a couple of weeks. So, I met this hood thought provoking brotha, and he is bangin. We went go see Crash (yes, finally -- movie was off the chain) and spent the night chatting about politics. We ended the night with a forehead kiss (BestMan Style, LOL).

Saturday

We woke up, cooked breakfast and ordered a movie on pay-per-view. I'm sure Brando and I will become good friends. Kewl ass bruh!

I finally went to go get my cut (I usually get my hair cut every Thursday). And chilled with Shawty's peeps on Christopher St. This was my third time walking on CS and first time on the pier. I didn't really enjoy it much until this other dude, Established, I've been chatted with, met me on the pier. There are soo many damn teenagers that walk the pier. We strolled down the pier talking about life, destiny and spirituality.

Established is a 22 year old brother doing what he loves and enjoying his life. We posted up on Christopher St and bumped into Leon. Its always a great seeing him. A couple minutes later my friends was ready to hit up a house party in the Bronx and I had to leave him. After we departed, I was like damn, "I'm really digging this boy." I don't know what will go on, but I know I will have to put in some work if I decide to see what's good.

The party in the Bronx was kewl. Although, Drama was coming my way. One of Shawtys boys, Devine, tried to push up on me while his lover was there. His lover approached me and said, "don't even try it, bitch." I was taken away by this comment, cause I didn't do anything at all. But, DEVINE is off the charts and if he wasn't with his lover, SMILING would not be single right now!

Sunday

Chilled all day and moved some stuff in my storage. Decided to check out Studio 7 Matrix party. Unfortunately, we didn't get to the club until 12:15 and it was closed. Shawty and I went to Stonewalls and chilled for a minute. We met up with some of his new friends from Miami.

Summer is really hear. I haven't been out four days in a row since last summer. Not to mention, I've met some great brothas! As Stephanie Mills sings, "It feels good all over."

Exclusive Interview with that BIATCH

2005-06-06T14:09:00.000-04:00

Last week, I had the pleasure to be Trent Jackson's aka Black Gay Wendy Williams (name given by yours truly) next targeted victim. At one point, I had to threaten him. The interview was getting serious, lol. He asked some great questions, and hopefully all of you will get to see (read) another piece of me. I was very impressed on how much he understood me and remembered that I don't like mayo, LOL.

So, Check out my Exclusive Interview with the Infamous Trent Jackson!

Dang, its HOTT OVER HERE! I'm busy at work, but still trying to finish my weekend post so stay tuned....

Oh yeah, there is a picture of me on his blog... so you better check it out. Caution: Only for a limited time.

2005-06-01T09:03:00.000-04:00

First, I want to congradulate Christina Norman for becoming President of MTV. She is a 41 year old Sista doing the damn thing. I hope they are paying her the big bucks.

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Well, a brother has been s-frustrated for some time now. Last night, I started to think about some people that I'm really attracted, too. I don't know how to do the picture thing.. but, i put the links to their pics on here. Now, I am all over the place, I don't think I really have a type.. but theses are a few celebs I wouldn't mind seeing what's really good.

10 Men that make me Smile! (or should I say in my Austin Powers voice, makes me Ho..., lol)

Jason George! I seen him for this time in Barbershop and all I could think of was Godiva Sea Oysters (my favorite chocoalate.) The few times I've watched, "Eve," have been because of him, hehehe. I'm happy that it has been renewed for another season. (I'm sure he needs to take off his shirt to boost the ratings, LOL.)

Michael Ealy! Another Barbershop man! It is something about black men that have eyes other than black or dk brown that is such a turn on for me. Although, he looked a hot mess for his role in "Their Eyes Were Watching God." LOL! Halle is getting some of that!

Denzel Washington! Y'all better ask somebody. It's just something about saying Denzel, that is like OMGoodness let me shake it off, LOL.

Will Smith! Do I really need to say why? Brother has come along way from Six Degrees... to the I, Robot shower scene. I bet you, Jada is eating that a... (my bad, lol)

Anthony Mackie! Brotha is bangin. I think he is going to be a huge star one day. Brother is on screen as if he was DeNiro, Washington or Pacino. Kinda on the skinny side, but its ok for him.

Dr. Dre! (Shut up!) Now anyone who knows the impact of "Chronic," y'all would feel me. Although, I'm not into rappers, Brother Dre can still get the business. Can't wait for Detox to come out.

Morris Chesnut! From Boyz in the Hood to The Best Man to Breakin All the Rule, Morris's smile is killer. The only thing, I'm not really into is the pea hair he displayed in "How to play the game," with Foxx. Very handsome gentlemen, that I've heard rumors about, LOL!

Michael Beach! Aiight, this is going to be TMI, lol, the first time i seen him f--k the cousin in Soulfood immediate hard on (Did you see that a-s.) That is my favorite part of Soulfood. He was even bangin in the movie Lean on Me. Honestly, he does it for me! For me, he is one of the best looking men, I have ever seen.

Common! To me, He is a Fly A-s Motha.. u know the rest. The hat and facial hair is such a turn on. His lyrics are off the chain. Go get the CD!

Roland Fryer! Ok, seriously! Does anyone have a direct contact with this brother? If you do please HOLLER at me! His words unzips my fly. I swear to goodness, if he gets down, its a wrap. He isn't all that... but, the more I read his work, the more I'm attracted to him. Plus the glasses are a plus (FYI: I love men with nice glasses, LOL). Brother grew up in the hood, sold drugs and at the age of 27, a Harvard Professor. Help ME!

Well, I had fun making my list. Anyone you would take off or add?

ummmm, yeah

2005-05-26T19:25:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I had a huge event that I've been planning for the past couple of weeks. It was suppose to start at 6:00 sharp. Well, we know how black folks are when it comes to time. But, by 6:15 we had a back house and folks still were coming during the duration of my event.

A lot of thing fell apart on monday and tuesday. The moderator had to cancel at the last minute. Four panelist canceled. The people that were suppose to assist me, weren't returning phone calls. And all I could say is, "Thank you, Jesus." I knew everything would be ok. I'm on vocation as of Wednesday. So, the whole morning, "the man, up above," worked miracles. Redd can tell you, I know how to hold an event.

The event brought together a lot of people that disliked each others. People like the Nation of Islam, clergy, youth groups, elected officials, etc. I was soo geeked. Yo, my kool-aid smile was full of sugar. This energy filled the room and people were ready to work, NOW! A couple of folks called afterwards and said it was true blessing to have those people together. I'm in the process of having these people work but most important educated.

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Since I'm on vocation, my family thinks it's my time to help them. The only one, I helped today is Grandmama. Grams, who is my homegirl, and I went to throw some stuff out of her storage. We are both pack rats. And its hard for us to let stuff go.

She is a retired teacher and had soo many brand new supplies like paper, rulers, folders, etc. She gave me most of them to donate for an org I help out and that can really use some of the teacher stuff she gave me.

She had soo many pics of me when was younger. I was thinking, "dag, I've been cheesing (smiling) since birth. Even last Saturday, my friend, Christine said, "damn, Smiling you still cheesing." For real, no4real4real, LMAO. You should see me know, i'm really laughing out loud.

At church, on sunday, again Sweet-behind Kool-Aid smile, I forced everyone I said good morning to, to put on a smile. If I don't smile, i feel I look mean, mostly because of how my eyebrows are arched (NO, I don't get them done). Enough of that crap.

******************************************************************

I peaced it out with you know who. He really is 15mins away from me. We are going to an art show opening for one of my friends at a local gallery tonight. So, now I'm working at my second J.O.B. ready for a Long Island Tea and some (ummm, yeah LOL.) ((It ain't happening)).

Oh, one more thing... I been on men4now for the past two weeks. Oh my goodness, that site is worst than adam. It will have you doing something bad when the sun goes down.. and sometimes while the sun is coming up. Not that I know about this, of course not. I was looking for BBB pics, lol.

Let's Make A Deal

2005-05-24T13:33:00.000-04:00

Well, y'all know that I'm getting over you know who. I wish these emotions where like a light switch. Just by a flick, you can shut it on and off. But, unfortunately, it is a gradual process to fully get over someone. Well, I'm far from there, still doing me... just reminesing on some things. One of my boys sent me this poem, that I could have written, (if I was a poet like EMO). It's how I feel, right now. (Caution: If you are in a good mood, do not read this poem, LOL.)

Let's Make A Deal

You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

Your forgive me for being to pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.

Forgiveness bring inner peace.
Do we have a Deal?

By: LLanders

OH MY GOODNESS, Ain't this poem the truth!

Aiight, nothing depressing for a week, LOL!

Peace

Another blogthing Stolen

2005-05-24T10:51:00.000-04:00

I seen Bernie and Rashid's blog today and it had this on it.

Well, after you take the survey they give you the keys to your heart.. this is mine

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Greatest Love of All

2005-05-23T11:27:00.000-04:00

Last Monday morning, one of my High School mentors passed away. He is someone I greatly admired for fighting against the board of education while employed by them. I was completely shocked and dismayed, because I just seen this man the Friday before and he seemed in good health. He told me that Friday, "I'm glad your still doing your thing, our people need you."

I attended a United Negro College Fund and a National Council for Negro Women event last week. At both events, I seen people that I haven't seen in a couple of months and for some years. They were all commending me on continuing my passion.

Even at the wake for my late mentor, there were over 1,500 people. Many of whom, I haven't seen since I graduated. It was great that I was able to informing of some of the things I'm working on, in addition to seeing how I can keep in touch with them. Again, they delivered proud smiles, because they contributed to the person I'm becoming.

On Saturday, my congressman's "people," contacted me on a state-wide black issues meeting on the upcoming election. It was very productive and a little intimidating. After the meeting, a member of the State Legislature greet me by name (which I was surprise because I haven't seen him since the Summer of 2003.) And asked me where have I've been, lol. I told him, I've been experiencing life trials and tribulations.

My best friend, G, graduated last sunday, we had a surprise Graduation party for him on Saturday night. I seen a lot of old friends that I haven't seen in a while. We shared updates on each other's life. And it was great to take notice that we are becoming adults.

My blogaversity post, WOW, we made history. Twenty-six comments! I wasn't expecting that! That's a whole lot of love.

My reason to point all of this out, (it is not to brag, punks, LOL) is because of reaffirmation it has given me. So, many times I believe people, especially those who are young and single, ask ourselves, "Am I somebody? What am I'm doing with my life? What must I do next? If I die today, what will people think of me." Last week, I felt the way I'm suppose to feel all of the time, Blessed!

Yesterday, the youth minister of my church preached on how God doesn't want us to fear anything because he tells us he will never leave or foresake us. He went on to preached about the past and how it's ok to be disappointed or frustrated. He asked my congregation, "Do you how far your come?" So many times, we don't take a look back on how bad we had it. How despite the hardship that has crashed on our path, we manage to climb over it. Giving us the strength to battle the next obstacle.

"Stronger than yesterday/ Now it's nothing but my way /My lonliness ain't killing me no more (well it aint killing me, but you know...)/ I'm stronger"

~Britney

The places I was at, the comments on my blog, and the many smiles that were given to me last week, and certainly the man up above has given gave me strength. I really don't need anybody to play games with me. All of my trial and tribulation are surrendered to God and together we will claim greatness for me.

"We come this far, by faith/ Leaning on the Lord/ Trusting in his holy word/ He never failed me, yet.

Ohh Ohhhh, Ohhhhh, he never failed. He never failed me, yet."

Gospel Hymm

I was just thinking about soo many things. Looking back on many obstacles that have stood in my way, but somehow managed to persevere. Have you ever really, I mean, recount the bad times you may have endeared and how you managed overcome successfully? Well, if you do, you know that you have power to do all things.

"The power touches me/ the power helps us see/ The power holds my hand/ yeah the power drives me crazy"

~Cher

With this power, you have to realize that people that pass you by day by day has the power as well. We never know what a person is gone/are going through. And unknown author said, "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smalest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." We must be NICE, you'll never know what blessing that will bring.

In short, most noble blogger, I don't hesitate to articulate, because I will deviate from who Smiling was yesterday. And...

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows

If I fail, if I succeed

at least I live as I believe

No matter what they take from me

They can't take away my dignity

Because the greatest Love of all

Is HAPPENING to ME

I found the greatest Love of all

Inside of Me

Grand finale, lol

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve

LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF

IT IS THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL

Do You Know What Today Is....

2005-05-18T08:48:00.000-04:00

It's My 1 year Anniversary of BLOGGING!

YEA!

Dang, I can't believe it's been a whole year since my blog began. As I went through the entire blog, to determine my top post, I just was a little baffled at how much has come and gone. More so, on my original intent of this blog was to talk about being on the so-called "dl." Since February, I haven't dedicated a post on battling being in this life; instead I'm living My in Tha Life.

One thing that has stayed consistent was the thoughts of change, it will always come about and how we inject the change will determine if it will digest into our system positively or negatively. This blog has given me the opportunity to express some thoughts that I haven't shared with those close to me. In addition, allowing myself to get comments and advice from people from different walks of life. It's definitely free therapy.

Some blogging moments that I'll never forget.

1. When Clay added me to his links. He was the first one to do so. Shyt, it took me to december for folks to comment on my site.
2. When I told Larry about my blog way back last May.
3. When TheLoveHater added me to The Loved Ones, his advice is outstanding!
4. When Frank told Redd about my blog. Redd didn't know, LOL.
5. The comment j.brotherlove left me on this post
6. The first time I spoke with someone on the phone about my blog. (ain't gonna say who)
7. The first time I read some of Emotional Brotha's poetry/spoken word.
8. And who can forget about the first time they read Bernards page.

It's so funny, cause for a little while I could even say I was addicted. I mean I would do things and immediately think, I'm going to blog about this next. Now, with so many bloggers its hard to keep up, but I do, cause Redd and I have to compare notes, lol. It's also funny that I have posts with the same names such as Cross My Mind and Everything is Everything.

Well, I tried to keep it at 10, but as I read my stuff, i was like dang, you go boy, LOL! So, here are my top posts.

1. My first one, it introduced me.
2. My Pride vs. Shame post spoke about who was the man I appreared to be.
3. I love me post
4. Forget about explain each post, i'm just gonna post the titles, lol. Don't You No No Good.
5. Living My Life Like It's Golden
6.This is my favorite post because it tell my story in the life up until 2004. And my story has double because of the many new experiences I have shared on the blog. Like going to conf., semiceleb g-life b-day house parties, and next week pride, whoa, that's serious, LOL. Well the post is To be or not to be... that is the question
7. Empowerment - Reclaiming My Spirit
8. Make that Change
9. Black Masculinities Conference and then the next post when Frank told Redd, LOL!
10. When Madea spoke to me, let me tell y'all it was a serious convo.
11. When I forgave all of those people that hurt me in the past
12. When I answered the questions, gave me a change to expose myself.
13. Here it is again, my penny with a hole in it post. My thoughts of love.
14. One of my highlight of the year, after attending a party, I knew I was On My Way.
15. After a very brief hiatus, I returned with my Manifesto. Let me tell you, I needed to read that today, because you know I'm trying to get over someone.

Well, it ended up being 15. I'm excited that I know how to do that html thing. Y'all dont have to read it, but if your bored, take a look of my year of blogging.

I have a special request for all of y'all reading leave a comment.

I would like to gather 20 comments.

It has never been done on smilingdl.blogspot.com.

Let's make history!

So, yeah, I'm still smiling as much as I did 365 daysago! And will continue to do so for another year!

Everything is Everything

2005-05-17T08:39:00.000-04:00

Enough of that sad crap. Like Redd said, I'm too fly for that, lol. I know I'm going to end my friendship with Potential at least until I'm totally over him. Deep down I know he isn't the one for me.

I'm so happy school is over for the summer. Although, I'm working a second job now, I can throw myself into my small business and strengthen my community involvement (hopefully not adding anything new.) Next wednesday, I'm having a huge Stop the Violence Forum, this forum is different because all of the panelist are teenage.

Many community leaders and elected officials have confirmed, I'm just trying to spread the word so the facility will be packed. I thought its important to listen to teenagers on this issue, because gang violence starts at their age (from what I've read statics are showing more and more are starting at the age 10, as look outs for drug dealers.) Our youth will probably know what are the best prevention programs we can plan for them. I have an excellent moderator in store that will bring forth the history of gangs.

Most people don't know the Bloods and Crips grew out of the Black Power Movement of the 1960s. Tookie williams, the dude Jamie Foxx played in the USA Network movie "Redemption," aka co-founder of the Crips, at the start was a teen activist, orginally seeking to emulate the social services of the Black Panther Party. They have changed drastically since then. But the onus is still on the community.

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Unfortunately, I'm not going to Miami for memorial day, because my friends waited to the last minute to book a room and south beach is all booked up. So, I may go with Redd and his boo to DC and hopefully see Brother Clay and TLH. Although, there haven't been any hang ups on how I get down. I'm uncertain if I'm ready for my first Pride. I'm probably going to go anyway, at least for a day or two. I have six days off next week and a brotha need to get out of the new york area.

Oh yeah, I read on a couple of sites.. they are trying to get Beyonce, Usher, Eddie Murphy and Jamie Foxx for the remake of Dream Girls. That would be outrageous! Especially if you could get them on Broadway. The only things, why couldn't a brotha write the screenplay and direct it... cause you know the money they make off this movies is not coming to us... but thats another topic for another day.

Please check out another positive brother's blog Shek. No more new bloggers, a brotha has to work! LOL

When it hurts so bad

2005-05-16T11:06:00.000-04:00

Why does it feel so GOOD ~ Great Philosopher Hill

I'm sure you have read about me referencing Mariah's Circles. Well, I'm just about over the song, so I had to move on to something more deeper. Right now, I'm totally into Hill's "when it hurt so bad."

Since Potentials' vacation we talk on the phone almost five times a day. As I posted it before, we aren't talking like that anymore (this is not by choice, but a decision I had to make again because of the continuous games he plays.) Well, just like the last time, we reconvene as friends and it feels good. It so hard to explain.

I talk about him a lot with my friends. And they notice the excitement in my voice, but quickly remind me about being apprehensive with him. This brotha is on my mind a lot, and much as I want to KEEP him on my mind, my heart is telling me no.

When we talk, I don't feel the friendship vibe at all. Maybe I'm still that naive boy. A smile is always on my face when we talk about him moving 15mins away. I know its wrong, but I'm constantly envisioning us together doing laundry, going away to conferences, support each other's endeavors. My picture is crystal clear, like never before.

Late Friday night, we are on the phone, it must have been 3am.. He begins talking about how he needs a man. And my heart must have stopped for a couple of seconds. The reminder of us as friends returns. I quickly tell him, "I understand. I feel the same way, too." When I wanted to say, "Why can't I be your man." So, he continues to complain about being single, and I keep saying, I understand and a whole bunch of I hear ya's.

Sunday morning, he wakes me up. I was extremely tired and was not going to church, well, he wouldn't let me go, until I got up and was getting ready for church. And I needed that sermon yesterday. And I was just smiling hard, like thank you Lord for Potential waking me up.

To be perfectly honest, if I can't have him, I don't want to be friends. The worst part I'm feel will happen (and my boy, said the same thing) he's moving in this new area and wants to keep he options open. Y'all know how dudes are, well, I do... we constantly looking for something better. Anyway, "I gave up my power," I put myself out there, he knows how I feel, and I have the slightest clarity of what is going on with him.

"But who-ever knew the voo-doo you'd do," I'm just want to be with him and I hate the fact I don't know what to do next. Usually, when I feel like this, I just shut the person out and if they want to continue they will approach me. This time it's different, because he does the same damn thing.

I'm trying to "catch" what I need. I'm so dazed and confused. This time around, I don't want to create False Hope because that will leave me in the trenches of another self-inflicted guard for the next person. But, as I read over my post, I already created some type of hope.

"WHEN IT HURTS SO BAD, WHY'S IT FEEL SO GOOD!"
DAMN!

When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
Why's it feel so good? (when it hurts so bad)
(when it hurts so bad)
When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
Why's it feel so good? (when it hurts so bad)
(when it hurts so bad)

I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the man I'd die for
He wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
to keep him in my life (to keep him in my life)
I cried, and I cried, and I cried
but I couldn't make it right

But I, I loved the young man
And if you ever been in love
then you'd understand

That what you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it (if you don't catch it)
(if you don't catch it)

And what you need ironically
will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it (if you just let it)
If you just let it (if you just let it)

See, I thought this feeling
it was all that I had
But how could this be love
and make me feel so bad? (gave up my power)
Gave up my powerI existed for you
But who-ever knew
the voo-doo you'd do

But I, I loved the young man
And if you ever been in love
then you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it (if you don't, you don't)
(if you don't, you don't)

And what you need ironically
will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it (if you don't, you don't)
If you just let it (if you don't, you don't)

See what you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it (if you don't, you don't)
(if you don't, you don't)

And what you need ironically
will turn out what you want to be
If you just let itIf you just let it

When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
Why's it feel so good? (when it hurts so bad)
(when it hurts so bad)
When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
Why's it feel so good? (when it hurts so bad)
(when it hurts so bad)

When it hurts so bad (when it hurts so bad)
So bad (when it hurts so bad)
(when it hurts so bad)
(when it hurts so bad)

Weekend Crap

2005-05-13T14:25:00.000-04:00

It's finally friday and I'm so thankful that I made it through the week. I don't know what I'm doing after work. Home is out of the question. My apartment is a mess, clothes and paper all over the place. My car is by far the worst. I've been farting in it a lot lately in the morning, LOL. And when I get in after work, yo, I have to air it out before I start the car. So, I have to Frebreeze (something like that) this weekend. Redd, don't hit me up with some TMI stuff.

I really want to check out Lobby tonight, because I haven't been since its moved to friday.. also debating to go see Crash, I've heard stunning reviews. It's about racism in America, so i'm not sure if I want to get pissed. I watched Rosewood last night, this movie tell the story how much shyt those folks have brought us through. We have such strong blood running in our veins. Anyway, I'll probably end up seeing Unleashed with Jet-Li and Morgan Freedman (brotha, loves his action movies). I need a power nap.

I'm on this Community Pride Day committee and our parade is tomorrow. I'm really excited because my youth group launches it Voter Registration Drive Tomorrow. Plus, its really a great event for the inner city youth. This is my first year on the committee and they were talking about how they started to attract G-Life peeps because it said pride. (y'all was probably thinking the same thing, LOL) They notice that sponsors and bands started to reject them more than usual. So, this year they had to put community in front of pride. I founded this hiliarous.

Supposedly, I'm going up to CT afterwards for a Graduation, but a brothas car isn't doing to well. Plus, I don't feel like spending money up there for a graduation. My friends and I are planning him a surprise graduation party next saturday. Therefore, I think I'm just going to go into times square and take random picture with my digital camera need to start some of those things that y'all suggested (Emo, I did get a chance to do what you said two weeks ago. It was Great, LOL) And Church on Sunday.

I watched the Point of No Return, with Bridget Fonda, there were a few Nina Simone songs that were played. So, I'm going to purchase one of her CDs on Sunday... do y'all have any favorites?

You know how you just don't feel like seeing people, that's the main reason why CT is looking bad, lol. I hoping for 20hours of sleep this weekend. I really need to start playing the lottery, cause I need some money. I'm really have been smiling all day, something good is coming my way. Hopefully the PowerBall! Have a great weekend!

Maybe

2005-05-12T16:31:00.000-04:00

Maybe love is worth waiting for.
Maybe the Democrats will win the next presidential campaign
Maybe people will use pubic bathrooms and clean after themselves.
Maybe black people will support black business and hire our troubled youth.
Maybe people with Nextels will shut off the one-on-one thing in public areas.
Maybe every homo should have sprint, so we can all chat sprint to sprint.
Maybe there really is a cure for AIDS that we’ll get to see.
Maybe ET will bring me home.
Maybe this empty feeling I’ve been having will be filled.
Maybe will live to see a Black President
Maybe my fight for civil liberties are not in vain.
Maybe there is something triggering all of these new blk G-life members to start blogging.
Maybe God is a woman, because men ain’t (oops,lol)
Maybe I’ll actually make some money doing what I love.
Maybe I’ll stop blogging (Nahhh, like Sheri Headly at the end of Coming to America).
Maybe Michael didn’t molest those boys.
Maybe Bush will say, “I’m wrong for all if done and VP Cheney and I are resigning.”
Maybe all black G-Life men need to live in one state…. I take that one back!
Maybe I should do my own laundry.
Maybe I need to move to Africa
Maybe tight jeans will be back in style.
Maybe NYC Subways will have air fresheners this summer so we don’t have to smell everyone funk.
Maybe Blackplant, go.com or adam should have never existed.
Maybe Ashanti will learn how to dance.
Maybe you will Vote in November.
Maybe black people need to start their own chain of IHOPs.
Maybe our black male leaders won’t have any sexual scandals.
Maybe I should stop throwing gum out of my window.
Maybe Rodney King was stupid for saying “we all need to get along.” (something like that.)
Maybe MLK and X got it on… think about it, let me stop.
Maybe there will be ten million people at the Million Man 10th Anniversary March.
Maybe. Just Maybe.

I'm on my way... Part Duex

2005-05-11T10:56:00.000-04:00

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."

There were many events that occurred yesterday that will be written about in my memoir. I woke up at 3am thinking about the election. Arriving at the HQ at 5:30am, I quickly began to work. I took off Friday and Monday to do a five day full swing of Smiling doing what he does best. My candidate informed me that the first person she seen in the morning was one of her Judist (think about it... a deceitful person.) that told her they were voting for her.

I swear to goodness black folks have problems. Our community needs a spiritual healing. The whole day, heck the campaign, many black folks came and gone out of our office. All of them pledge support and assistance for my candidates campaign. They knew she didn't have any money, but she had determination and experience to get the job done. So, why did these same folks, 90% of them, publicly supported the opposition on Election Day, by working the polls for him, hanging signs on cars and what hurts the most voting for her. Our motto was take his money, but you know who to push and vote for. Man, it went to the point, I was about to have my first fist fight.

Well, I'm not going to harp any more on it. But, I've always said on this blog, there is a desperate need for unity. We must get out of the slave mentality, that whenever "the man" gives us some dough, we forget where we come from, and shyt, who we live with. Aiight, my bad that's enough.

When we found out that we lost the race drastically, I kept saying the "Thank You, Lords," and "God is Goods. All...." As we cleaned up the campaign office, I began thinking about why we didn't win. I said a quick a goodbye to my candidate because I felt tears wanting to shoot out. But you know what, I didn't cry. I spoke with Potential on my way back home and told him about the situation. It was nothing he could really say to me. As I told him how I felt, I processed my whole experience on the campaign. And came to the conclusion Only The Strong Survive.

See, just like me, my Candidate will continue to conquer many things. The entire adversity that was going on would have permanently hurt a naive person. "Roll with the punches," folks still say. But, we as black folks have to block those punches and instead of being a Contender be the Champ.

I'm facing facts, people aren't who they seem to be. Especially those who are public figures, we are all human. But, unfortunately, we have 1. those who will smile in our face and talk a good game and then stab you and 2. there are others who we just plainly know don't like us and we don't like them. I rather deal with 2, but I still need to be prepared to deal with 1. There still is hope out there, I didn't know my Candidate until someone introduce us and she is someone I am willing to assist at any giving time.

Another thing on my way I notice I'm not doing anymore, stop blaming other people for negative situations or feeling that I go through. Looking at myself, in efforts to learned from what is being presented and then working on fixing the situation or feelin instead of avoiding it. Therefore, I sometimes don't have nothing to blog about, because quite frankly I'm doing me.
Although, there are times, when situation legitimically fall on specific people (remember that secret post, LOL). (This is all my personal self, because its totally different when we talk about the community.) I'm starting to feel things that I want or bitch the most about are the same things I already know what to do, but want to see what other people think. Hmmm Kinda like some entries I posted. I'm all bitchout... today, LOL

I notice at the party on Saturday, I really don't care for anyone that I don't know. In the past, I have found that men in the yng Blk G-Life community intimidating. Mostly because of the tremendous about of shallow men. You even look at Karomo(misspelled, i know, lol.. but dude from Real World) with the gym dude. It apparent to me, some men are Caught Up with things that aren't me.

Realizing that I'm really a chill dude that likes the lime light, but hates the bs. Unfortunately, I'm getting content on being laid-back on my downtime. This will change, cause I know this summer is strictly about enjoyment. Finals are over, thank goodness! Things are moving progressively. I'm trying to get my spirit fit for some battles I foresee coming. Life is so unpredictable. I'm still going through my Circles, I just going to really feeling it, when first two occurs. Do you ever feel your life is a soap opera? Sometimes I really do, especially when you hear about some juicy gossip, LOL!

Anyway, I'm doing things with proactive nature and taking off my sunglasses so I can see clearly, hopefully I won't realize that I need contacts. (you know what I mean, lol)

Like a rapper said, "I am everything I say I am/if I wasn't then why would I say I am/ in the newspapers, (the blog), everyday I am/I don't know thats just they way I am.

PEACE!

Real Power

2005-05-09T22:58:00.000-04:00

FYI, Sista lost the race.... working on a post-post...

It really is spring time.

2005-05-09T10:54:00.000-04:00

Saturday, I finally went out! FYI - I haven't been going out socially, just a few dinners with some friends other than that I've been doing my own thing or just plainly sick in bed. I'm feeling a little better, I'm going through a series of test and exams, so the Doctors still don't know what's wrong with me.

Anyway, I didn't let that hold me down! One of my friends threw his friend a b-day party in Harlem on Saturday. I brought one of my friends I haven't seen since Jan and he brought two of his friends (Redd, don't say nothing.) On our way to the party, it was hilarious, four dudes going through every Mariah song on the new album, truly homo, lol.

Well, after much failed attempts of trying to hit those high notes, we arrived at the party on time. That is a NO NO in new york. So, we must have stayed in the car for at least and hour talking about living the life. We went into the party, there were only 10 people so far. Oh, Bacardi has a new flavor called Apple Sour, off the hook. After a couple of drinks, i was feeling nice. (I haven't been drinking because of my medication.. friday was the last day). Redd had finally arrived with his boo, who I really adore. It was great to see many familiar faces and a whole lot of new ones. Its soo funny going out in NYC, because you've seen almost everyone on ADAM, you can point people out like he's a bot or he's packing __. Pretty sad, but very funny!

After two hours, I was ready to go, because unfortunately, most dudes in their 20s don't know how to have a good time. Its a house party everyone can't post up on the wall. I thought when they played Ying Yang Twins song, wait to you see my D@#$, everyone would have wild out, but no. When I'm with Redd, we tend to always make the best of any situation. So, we did have fun! But, two hours, my legs were hurt, LOLOLOL! And the liquor was really starting to sink in, and I didn't want to act of fool.

I was regretting not going to the lobby on friday, because at least i knew i could sit down after a few dances. I know y'all thinking this boy is lazy... but don't forget i'm still not at 100%, i'm supposed to be resting. But, anyone that really knows me, I would need to be strapped down for me to stay complete still.

Mother's Day was kewl! My mom had two papers due today, so she couldn't go out as planned. Therefore, I picked my mom dinner from her favorite restaurant and went over for a little while. The card, I picked out really spoke how I felt. Over the last month, my mom really continued to show a mother's unconditional love while we been going to the hospital. We were both in tears for a couple of minutes. She is my homegirl to the fulless. And like I said before, she can pissed me off like no one else, even more than Potential, LOL! Got to love her for that!

Redd, one of my close friends, has finally posted on his blog. I'm sure some have seen him comment on my page as well as other bloggers as No4Real4Real. Well, please check him out, i'm sure it's going to be great. He is my offical homo advisor, the one who has seen me grow phyisically and mentally in the lifestyle as well as the person who brought me to my first club, Brooklyn Cafe, y'all remember that, LOL. Hope everyone had a great weekends and Happy belated Mother's Day to all of the blogger mommies.

It feels great to have something to blog about. Approaching a year of blogging, dang, I'm old, lol. And you know what.. this whole weekend, I've been playing Mariah's Circles in my head over and over. Song is the truth!

Black AIDS Institute Statement

2005-05-07T07:27:00.000-04:00

Congressional leadership and White House launch plan to slash Medicaid spending while boosting tax cuts

Two-thirds of Blacks in treatment for AIDS pay for it with public insurance programs
Congressional leadership and the Administration have colluded to pass a plan for cutting Medicaid by $10 billion over the next five years. Medicaid is the largest payer for HIV treatment in the nation, accounting for half of all people in treatment. Sixty- four percent of African Americans being treated for HIV/AIDS pay for it with Medicaid or Medicare.

The fiscal year 2006 budget plan that a House- Senate committee agreed to last week would hold all domestic spending flat and slash spending on programs that form a safety net for America's poor. At the same time, the plan racks up another $106 billion in tax cuts for wealthy Americans over the next five years. The budget plan suggests that much of the budget reductions come from Medicaid. Ideas for cutting the program's spending that are already being discussed include increasing patient co-pays and tightening restrictions on who qualifies for enrollment.

Earlier this year, the Senate voted to remove all Medicaid cuts from the budget plan and to instead establish an independent commission to study ways to reduce costs. The Republican leadership and the White House, however, reinserted the cuts during the conference negotiations that were needed to reconcile the House and Senate proposals. President Bush's budget proposal had recommended $14 billion in Medicaid cuts over the next five years.

The budget resolution is just the first step in Congress' annual budgeting process. Between now and the start of the fiscal year--October 1--the House and Senate will each hammer out the details of what each government program can spend next year. Members of the Senate Finance Committee, which has jurisdiction over Medicaid, are believed to support at least keeping Medicaid spending level. The National Governor's Association has also expressed concerns over cutting the program, but has now begun negotiating ways to reduce spending with key House members. The African American community must engage both our state leaders and our representatives in Washington to let them know how crucial Medicaid is to our community's health.

Already, African Americans living with HIV are seven times more likely to die from the virus than infected whites. If Washington guts Medicaid, even as it hands out billions of additional dollars in tax cuts, more of us may be driven out of treatment or required to accept lower-quality care--and the AIDS death gap is likely to grow.

About the Institute
The Black AIDS Institute is the only HIV/AIDS think tank in the United States focused exclusively on Black people. The Institute's mission is to stop the AIDS pandemic in Black communities by engaging and mobilizing Black institutions and individuals in efforts to confront HIV. The Institute interprets public and private sector HIV policies, conducts trainings, offers technical assistance, disseminates information and provides advocacy from a uniquely and unapologetically Black point of view.

Learn More at BlackAIDS.org

This is a Damn Shame! (that's me)

Vitamin C

2005-05-04T08:30:00.000-04:00

I'm soo stupid... why today, I locked my front door... and as I was heading to my car, I thought about that Vitamin C song.... "Put a smile on your face, make the world a better place." I'm such a dork, LOL!

Survival in The Game

2005-05-03T11:18:00.000-04:00

Throughout our lives we have things that makes us STOP(pause)! Sometimes we STOP and think about it then react. While other times we STOP and react. Most times our immediate reaction dictates our future.

Recently, when things come my way with a punch, I’ve been doing that STOP/think about it routine. Attempting to figure out the best plan to execute the best outcome. There are many things to ASSUME in the plan such as people, timing, and money, etc.

As I grow in the REAL WORLD, I’ve realized how naive I’ve been. Every year there are new thing that I learn that are life changing. This year, I’m learning what most black folks don’t see. How much our community needs to unite. I’ve grown up listening to Stokely Carmichael and Malcolm protesting against “the man” and “the system.” Part of me thought it was mumble jumble. After reading and hearing testimonies of those veterans in the civil rights struggle, and I bearing witness to “the man” and eventually become apart of “the system.”

After getting arrested in Philly in 2000 against the Republican National Convention, I vowed never to see another jail cell. Before serving my six days (believe me it was no joke in a holding cell for one with SEVEN other people and only allowed once to step outside the cell. Plus, other things that I’m not getting into.) I thought civil disobedience was the answer. Then I said to myself, “well I could change the system from within.”

It’s been two years today that I’ve been working in the system full-time. Although, I’ve made some change, I haven’t put a dent, not even a scratch on what is needed to be done. Now, I’m at a point where thoughts of SURVIVAL need to take place. People who are aware that there is a system in place know that it is not made for Black, Brown, Yellow or Purple people.

I applaud those who beat the system. We use the words “the game,” talking about the dating system we have in the Black US. When we don’t discuss the political game that controls Black US. It’s so hard to survive this game while BLACK and Socially Conscious.

SURVIVAL. I look at long term black leaders such as Congressman Rangel, Farrakhan, Jesse and even Al. Although, I don’t agree with some of the political stands of these men, you will have to agree that all of them have exist for decades in the system. Three weeks ago, while in DC, I visited on of my favorite Congressman, whose Blk. He has been in offices for two decades and I asked him, “What is your key to surviving as long as you have?” He immediately replied, “Smiling, you have to pick and choose your fights!”

Darwin’s theory comes in my mind, “Survival of the fittess.” It’s time get FIT. I don’t want to fight. I’ve never had A fight, but I had TO fight for Survival in the Game.

Pray for me!

Random Things About Me

2005-04-27T09:40:00.000-04:00

Stolen from Emotional Brother

10 Things about me

I love debating
Very Competitive
I am stupid funny
Extremely compassionate
I love to do research on anything
Been to jail for 6 days from protesting against the RNC
I am my worst critic
Had a dream to perform on Broadway... (as Coalhouse in Ragtime)
I love political campaigns
Movies are very therapeutic for me

9 Ways To Win My Heart

Order a chicken sandwich w/o Mayo for me without me telling you no mayo
Pray with me
Random acts of thoughfulness
Have compassion for all of me
Show affection
Let me in- in your darkest hour
Knowledge of social or political issues
Hold me while we watching a movie
Give me the love that I've only dreamt of

8 Things I want to Do Before I die
Figure out Life
Become closer to God
Learn patience
Build a strong network of people from every field of human endeavor
Establish a national social program assisting the urban community
Produce a stage produce/tv show (i can dream, lol)
Keep my good friends and meet some new ones along the way
BE HAPPY

7 Things I Believe In

One person can make a difference
Without Stuggle there is not Progress
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
Equality
Karma
Work Hard/Play Hard
LOVE

6 Things that get me MAD

Smacking on the telephone
Tardiness
Inconsideration
Ignorance
My mothers voice on the phone
all of this isms

5 Things I'm afraid of

Sudden Death
HIV/AIDS
The destruction of our urban communities - Gang Violence
Failure
Being poor again

4 of my favorite Items in my room

The mirror w/o me in it, lol
African painting
Computer
TV

3 Things I do everyday

Check e-mail
Think about what I need to do to get myself together
Thank God for waking me up

2 Things I need to do right now

Laundry (wearing the last pair of clean drawers)
Win the Lottery

1 Person I want to see Right now

A True Friend

Please click on Random Things About Me... there is an alarming article about Bush Cutting 1 billion in anti-gang funds... check it out

Shawty.... say what's your price

2005-04-27T08:58:00.000-04:00

I miss my boy, Shawty, this time last year we were bugging out all the time. Since our relationship crumbled (see Feb. 25th post) He crosses my mind at least twice a week.

I didn't blog about our last encounter. Well, it was the day, Their Eyes Are Watching God premiered. He texted me, "We need to talk." I told him I would be available at 11pm, because I didn't want to miss the movie. So, he came in around 11, we gave a brief wassup and the movie was still on.... he asked for some ice... I gave it to him... I act very nonchalant, while watching the movie... he uses the ice on his face... I knew something happened but I didn't want to ask him... By 11:15pm I knew the movie would end around 11:30. (Their eyes are watching god, is one of my favorite books and I really wanted to see the movies.) We still haven't said anything! He walks out around 11:19 and says, "I'm out."

What he did to me back in Feb was what was on my mind. Looking back on this, I was/am totally wrong for what I did. Two wrongs don't make it right. Two weeks later, I texted him and invited him to my B-Day Bash. He said he was coming, but never showed up. It didn't bother me much, because I've been doing my own thing.

Something (u know who) told me to text Shawty on my way to the doctors, Monday. I text him, I would like to meet up. So, tonight after my second job we are meeting up at my apt. I'm much stronger than yesterday. I don't want to come off like I don't need him. I just want to extend my hand of friendship. I'm sure it will not be the same as it were before. On the other hand, it would be GREAT to have him back in my life.

I have to leave my pride in the closet when he comes over. Part of me wants to say, "You started this shyt first," while the other part of me wants to give that little man a huge hug as soon as I see him. I don't know how this is going to pan out.

Grey's Anatomy

2005-04-26T10:28:00.000-04:00

I have returned to work today. Finally, the doctor gave me some antibiotics. Trying not to stress over finals or all the other due dates that are fastly approaching.

The last five weeks I've been watching Grey's Anatomy. Bloggers are y'all watching? This show is executive produced, written and created by a SISTA. Sista Shonda Rhimes is best known as the writer of Introducing Dorothy Dandridge. Anyways, the show is off the CHARTS. My mom and I have been addicted since the beginning. We have to support this sister who created a show that apprears right after the highly related Despearate Housewives.

One thing that I love about this show is the cast, extremely diverse. Black folks (yes, not just one) in places of power in the medical field on TV. Support a Sista!

It's MINE!

2005-04-24T18:26:00.000-04:00

**********Funny Story before I getting into my victory, lol************
At church today, I sat on the second floor last row because my facial hair is looking a HOT MESS, plus I'm sick. First five minutes I sat alone. Black folks late for church, I sit next to a six year old boy and a twentysomething woman. During alter prayer, I smelled something funky. I wondered if it was me, then i thought the woman farted. But, I notice the little boy kept on farting. I overheard the woman telling her male escort that I smelled. IT WAS SO FUNNY! After tithes and offerings were done, the woman moved her seat. I really do know how to hold gas in church, LOL.

I haven't been feeling well for the past couple of weeks. As I departed b-more last sunday, my headaches started to occur more consistent. Not to mention, my allergies are a MESS. I went to the doctor monday afternoon, he said that I'm having migranes that are not connected with my allergies, he also gave me three prescriptions. When I picked them up from the pharmacy, I asked the pharmacist which one was suppose to help my headaches. He responded, "All of your prescriptions are for you allergies."

I left the store and had a TANTRUM. It was bad, like, Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearst! I was PISSED. As I drove home in pain, the BIG person in my head was asking God for help. I came home and posted Smiling's Manifesto. Although, I still had my migranes I felt much better.

Since then, I've missed worked three days. Finally, received some medication for my migranes. Been to the hospital twice, went to the ER on Friday. There are other things wrong, that I'm not getting into.

But, my fever didn't prevent me from going to church today. My Pastor is doing 12 steps in order to walk in VICTORY! I found a new Rejoice! You know how the pastor can just call on your current battles and you feel compelled to praise. Today, my rejoice was thanking God that I'm living my life in VICTORY. I think I been through every single battle that Pastor preached about today. But, I'm not experiencing none of the battles, besides health. I didn't feel like singing along with the congregation, "Oh Hail, King Jesus!" All I could do was smile with thankfulness that with his strength VICTORY IS MINE!

Smiling's Manifesto

2005-04-18T20:42:00.000-04:00

Never forget your inner self. Life shall be hard. Life shall bring happiness. Don’t let anyone break your happiness. Remember you have come this far by faith. Remember overcoming so many uncontainable obstacles. Relax. Relate. Release. Stand. When times are rough, look towards future, for the future is a sunny day without pollen. Don’t worry about what other people have to say. Cry. Shout. Rejoice. Smile. There is someone out there for you. Never forget family and loved ones. Keep your eyes on the prize. It’s ok to be vulnerable. Time will surrender all of your goals. Take Risks. You can do all things though Christ who strengthens you. You are a Friend of God.

I strive for consistent happiness. These are the words that I will say out loud and believe them. I am quite sure I will forget from time to time, but don’t hesitate to remind me.

I am back from my brief hiatus!

Coming back soon!!!!

2005-04-13T15:58:00.000-04:00

Mariah's CD -TIGHT

I have spoken, LOL!

As-Salaamu 'alaikum

2005-04-01T09:21:00.000-05:00

Dang, I can't even tell you how appreciative I am for all of the comments I've received on my blog. It has helped me more than I could have ever imagine. I am departing from posting for a while.

This blog has been a form of therapy for me.. constantly allowed to vent. I begin my hiatus. Peace, Love and Soul!

Thanks for everything!

Smilingonthedl

How do we wake up and pay attention?

2005-03-30T11:29:00.000-05:00

So much has been going on. I have decided not to blog about it, just letting it go and I’ll testify the outcome. This is one of my long blogs, but please read and tell me your thoughts including the Ladies.

Johnnie Cochran! MY GOODNESS! I have a special bond with Brother Cochran. Actually had a chance to meet him a few years back but I was on RA duty. Brother Cochran pledged his life to justice. Last summer, I read “A Lawyers Life,” his law autobiography, and let me tell you he was a Bad Motha.. before OJ.

He was a pioneer in police brutality and racial profiling. Shoot, he brought racial profiling to the forefront with the New Jersey Turnpike shooting. Serving as a defense attorney for the Louima and Diallo cases. Even with his celebrity status, he had victory over many cases and his presence in and out of the courtroom will be truly missed.

Tragic loss in our community!

Last night, I attend the NAACP meeting. Extremely disappointed because I was suppose to give my Anti-Gang Violence proposal but there were only four people including me at the meeting. There is a conference in DC I’m attending next week and I wanted them to sponsor me, therefore another proposal was prepared so they can provide the financial assistance, but they didn’t have quorum.

One thing good that came about, information was shared for Men who are interested in becoming local coordinators for the 10th Anniversary of the Million Man March. My mother did not allow me to attend back in 95 with father. That would have been a memorable experience. I’m not going to miss out taking my little brother or recruiting other young black men.

I always admired Farrakhan and the Nation of Islam because they have a true sense of community. They will give a brother a job, even if it’s selling the Final Call or bean pies. They have made their spiritual efforts enticing. Unfortunately, our people are attracted to what they can see. Most of us don’t have the mentality to think long term. The Muslim community has always pushed entrepreneurship. I have a strong feeling that they MMM will be life changing.

After the NAACP meeting, I attended a forum on the State of Black America. As I sat down after the panelist made their introductions, I admired my beautiful black people that surrounded me. The moderator and panelist brought many issues to light. I notice that all of them talked about the importance of education in our community. Not just academic education, but educating our peers about gangs, AIDS, politics, etc.

Our people need to be taught so many things. So, my question to two particular panelists was how must we educate the masses on the many issues we face? This first panelist said, “I’m not sure education is the problem. Back in Slavery, men and women told the people to go this way. And the people were led to freedom.”

This gave me something to think about. Imagine if we did have that leader. You know that leader like X or Dr. King and we were lead without fear or hesitation because you knew they had our best interest at heart. Unfortunately, we have leaders like Jackson, who has a baby mama, or Sharpton, well you know all about that fool, Cosby, you know… all who have skeletons in their closet that have been forced out. But, what drives me nuts they are still people I admired and will continue to support on most endeavors. Most black folks have a hard time of forgiving and forgetting for a moment in efforts to make change.

Our leaders have to put on a front in order for us to follow them. And when see they are imperfect we criticize them harshly as if our shyt don’t stink. So, how in 2005 are we to come together and allow ourselves to be lead by Black WARRIORS.

“We must continue to grow our grassroots efforts. That’s where we came from,” said the other panelist. With organizations like the Hip Hop Summit Action Network and Vote or Die Campaign promoting voting registration, what happen to voting empowerment. Not just signing up so you can market the numbers of new registered voters, but empowering our community to vote on Election Day.

Those Hip Hop organizations should have initiatives to educate our people on the power of voting and holding our elected officials accountable for prosperity in our community. I bring light to the Hip Hop organizations because they are in 2005 more enticing than any particular groups including the Black Church. We walk, eat, and sleep Hip Hop. And our big Hip Hop heavy weights, P. Diddy and Simmons look like good guys. Yeah, they registered many new voters… whats going on NOW… what’s going on with the NEW YORK Mayoral Race… why isn’t there orgs becoming bigger and badder.

You can easily say its not there job. But these are folks that been through the struggle. Simmons came from selling drugs into the mogul he is today. They are our people, we helped shape them in addition to support them today. Will the real hip hop humanitarian please stand up?

Back to what I was saying… Grassroots efforts are the backbone of our community. Last night, I learned of many small non-profits that are reaching out and touching our people daily, which are the main community changers. I strongly feel our people need to be dragged, stabbed, shot, kicked, punch, stuck with a broom stick with the mentality, “IF YOU WANT TO BE SOMEBODY AND YOU WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE/ YOU NEED TO WAKE UP AND PAY ATTENTION.”

I’m extremely interested in what your thoughts are on what is needed in GENERAL for our people to pay attention. Please comment; this will help me stick a broom up someone… for a wake up call.

Cross My Mind

2005-03-29T08:37:00.002-05:00

I had a great EASTER WEEKEND! Went to a Gospel Concert! Seen "Guess Who?"! Made a new Friend! Picked up my new EASTER Suit, lol! Had Momma's Easter Dinner! Relaxed at Home! Only thing, my haircut was horrible! Still having trouble with my fake beard, lol.

Having some inside issues with getting involved with a certain group. Trying to figure things out on my own, and I'll tell y'all the results.

Moving on! Sunday, I was trying to hurt em. My suit was killer. I purchase this gucci tie two years ago and I finally bought a suit to match. Sunday morning, I tried to tie my tie (you know what i mean) for about 20minutes. Looking in my palm5, I was trying to figure out who I should called to help me out. I called Desire, he goes to my church anyway, of course, he didn't pick up. So, I tied one more time and BOOM CHICKA BOOM! LOL

I didn't see Desire at Church, I'm sure he was at his daughters Easter Program. So, yesterday, on my train ride back from a last night meeting, he calls me back. It's the first time we spoke on the phone since Valentine's Day. After our short conversation, he was doing back flips in my mind. It was one of those times when you know you weren't good for him, and he wasn't good for you, but you remember what y'all use to do.

Kinda like that Jill Scott song, "I was just thinking about you, I mean, what you doing, I mean, what you been up to. I know its wrong, feeling so strong, let me take a second, minute, hour, think this thing through."

One more time,

"I was just thinking about you, I mean, what you doing, I mean, what you been up to. I know its wrong, feeling so strong, let me take a second, minute, hour, think this thing through."

Then I started thinking about Potential, I miss our conversations. Sometimes, I want to run back to Desire or Potential, but I start think about why and how we ended. (Click on the title for some background information) I think a big part of that is getting use to a certain level of consistency. Getting phone calls on the regular and all that good stuff. And when it ends, it's a drastic and noticeable change.

Well, they just Cross My Mind!

********************************************************

Although, I haven't been depressed with being single for a whopping two weeks, LOL, I still have the strong urge to commit to the one, instead of someone. Life goes on, with or without me. And all this advice I received on this blog about making myself happy is starting to show off. Last weekend can attest to that, and I'm sure this upcoming weekend will be great. Went to the gym early yesterday morning for the first time in months.

Looking forward to April, heading to DC for two weekends. I HOPE TO SEE TWO OF MY FAVORITE BLOGGERS! Y'all know who you are!

Dang, they (Desire and Potential) still on my mind, LOL!

*********************************************************

UPDATE: One of my clients, who was homeless found a place last month, today came in and told me he just received a job. Oh my goodness! This man has come to my job every day for months and after many let downs, he still kept his eyes on the PRIZE. Like India.aire sings, "That's how I know God is Real, none of this is not by chance."

Holla If You Hear Me

2005-03-24T13:13:00.000-05:00

I haven't dwelled on being single for a minute. Well, I'm running out things to do by myself... I want some new ideas. Although, I have a busy schedule I have free time that makes me want to do bad things, LOL.

My life is all meetings, work, church and school,.. right now I need to do something fun other than drinking, lol.

So, I'm asking for ideas on what someone could do to enjoy themselves.

HAPPY EASTER!

Go Black Folks! Run For That Office!

2005-03-23T08:40:00.000-05:00

I am extremely excited about Kwesi Mfume running for a Senate seat. He is one of my idols and hopefully one of my future mentors. Working for him in MD would be incredible.

Brother Mfume is no joke. He did an exceptional job as a Congressman, Chair of the CBC, and President of the NAACP. I have no doubt if elected he will become outspoken on many issues that affect our community. My only question: will people who are not black vote for him? This is sad that race still comes into play, but its real.

My friends that came up from the DC area over the weekend aren't politically involved, but they had an opinion of his candidacy. They all agreed that he wouldn't get elected. Yesterday, I found out his opponent on the Republican Ticket is Black as well. Once again, we have two blacks running against each other for Senate (first match Obama and Keyes). I believe Republicans have a liable candidate and they will push him hard. One the other hand, I'm uncertain if the DNC or State Dems are going to push Mfume as hard because from what I heard there are many moderates living in MD and Mfume comes off like a Howard Dean (ultra liberal).

Money is what I call pushing a candidate. Most Black Folks don't have money to donate or don't know the political benefit of donating money to a candidate, therefore if a candidate is running for a statewide office they will have to cater to those who will help(pay) to get them elected. Mfume has a long road ahead of him. I wonder if he knew about this opportunity before being pushed to resign his post at the NAACP.

Keith Boykin recently interviewed two black members of the LGBT community running for mayor of a city on both coast. This pleases my mind tremendously. Especially the interview with Jass Stewart. A young BGM doing the dam thing with his own business, community involvement, partner and son. Incredible! I only wish I could have found him before his partner, LOL.

I don't know the demographics of candidates respective community, but its always exciting to see REAL black people running for an elected position. I hope the local members of our community actually go an volunteer, spread the word, and vote for these people. Our involvement in politics plays a critical role in Making that Change.

What's really good?

2005-03-22T13:39:00.000-05:00

What's really good with all of these mood swings? I'm beginning to think I'm bi-polar. During lunch, I ran out to a record store to buy Deitrick Haddons latest CD. And now I'm in a decent mood. I need to figure this out, before I go psycho on someone, lol.

Make Me Over Again!

2005-03-22T10:14:00.000-05:00

Today, I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed with many things. I praying for my faith to allow me to continue to trust and believe. So much to do, with so little time. And instead of me just going with the flow, I continue to worry about getting things done. Really should have went to church on Sunday. Luckily, we are having a Victory week starting tonight until Easter.

I'm trying to feel my gas tank of encouragement, but I'm broke and there isn't a gas station in site. I need a new gospel CD, LOL. I can smile but I have this headache that I always get when I'm feeling stressed.

Gospel artist Tonex has this song called "Make Me Over." This is how I feel right now. It sucks when you know what to do, but you just don't do it. Trying to brush the dirt of my shoulders. Right now, I'm going to make a list of things to do and prioritize what I need to do first.

Make Me Over

You Know My Other Side,
I Can No Longer Hide
Let You Down So Many Times
Sin Freshly Crucifies

Thought That I Had A Plan
I Had It All Figured Out,
But The More That You Tried,
To Be My Side The More I Pushed You Out.

Lord Make Me Over (Make Me Over Lord)
Lord Make Me Over (Make Me Over Lord)
Lord Make Me Over Make Me Over Again
Lord Make Me Over Again, Make Me Over Again
Make Me Over Again, Make Me Over Again

Time After Time I Failed You
Pierced Your Side When They Already Nailed You
Jesus Healed My Open Wound
I Just Want To Be More Like You

Father I Let You Down
Was Not Like You Just Take It Out
Reconciled Me Jesus
I Just Wanna Please You, Wash Me And Make Me Whole,

Lord Make Me Over
Lord Make Me Over
Lord Make Me Over- Make Me

Make Me Over Again
Watch Me Through And Through Lord
Make Me Over Again What Ever You Want, What Ever You Need
Make Me Over Again
I'll Do It For You Jesus
Make Me Over Again Make Me Over

Lord I'm tired
Make Me Over Again
Everyday Is The Same Time Is The Same Thing
And I'm Ready For Change Lord
Make Me Over Again
Help Me Say Oh Oh oh oh oh oh
Help Me Say Oh Oh oh oh oh oh
Help Me Say Oh Oh oh oh oh oh
Make Me Over Lord Make Me Over Again

"I speak life... dont give up the fight on your life." I'm fighting!

b-day weekend

2005-03-21T09:31:00.000-05:00

Festivities for my b-day continued throughout the weekend. Friday, friends from VA/DC/MD came up... we bugged out, drinking and playing uno... lol. The dude from DC is my peeps for life.

I've been planning my b-day party since the beginning of the year. This year I wanted to invited people from all of my walks of life. So, I had my school/work/family/G-Life peeps/organization members together for the first time. We started at one of my close friends apt.... had some food and did a lot of drinking. I had fun. MAD FUN. I had over 50 friends come out from Boston to VA.

Honestly, I don't remember much about the club. Its the second time, I actually blacked out drunk. My friends were telling me what I was doing. Surprisingly, I didn't do nothing freaky, lol, well at least not with a dude. Majority of the people attended don't know about me... and some of the G-Life peeps attending are suspect. Saturday morning, I was extremely nervous about the peeps meeting the rest of my friends. After having several shots of Grey Goose, it was a wrap.

Yesterday, some of my friends mentioned that they thought the peeps were G-Life members. I brushed it off, just ignoring their comments. When my cousin told my mom that I had some fruity people at the party, I started to have an headache. I was pissed that she went back and said that to my family. I'm still pissed. I wanted to just tell my mother, "well I'm G, too." But, Moms didn't seem to be interested if they were G-Life members or not.

Some of my str8 friends always have G-Life comments. They are suspect, too. I also think I want to distance myself from them, because I'm not game for no one disrespecting who I am. Quiet frankly, I'm not into disrepecting anyone. If I have something disrespectful to say, I keep it under my tongue, avoiding confrontation from anyone.

I had such a great time this weekend, yet my cousins comments bothered me so much that I'm starting to have an headache now. I really want someone to ask me if I get down. Dang, I missed church yesterday and started to feel like someones trying to get me.

i'm not spell checking or reading over this... i want to post something else if i can today.. my headache is strong.

I'm aggravated. More to the point on why people can't mind their own business. They have to always attempt to bring other people down. The G-Life people that came to my party, have some of the most impressive resumes and education. Not to mention they are great people. I'm so upset at some of my friend for them to even comment on their preference, especially because of how they were dressed(which was great, that not thug look) and they aren't as fem as some of their own dang friends that they think are str8. I really not going to go through that BS again, I didn't harp on the issue. But, dang... why you all in my grill.

Aiight, this is my last time adding to this post. I didn't listen to my WOW Gospel CD. I'm good, still a little upset. But, we face so much adversity as black people, why do we constantly try to put each other down. Now, I'm planning my 25th at the Lobby, entering with Diana Ross singing, "I'm coming out." LOL, never that!

I speak life

2005-03-17T10:54:00.000-05:00

As always, church was on fire last night! In the past week, I had a couple tribulations waiting to break loose. I was about to go back into my hole, but instead I put on Donald Lawrence CD - I speak life. There have been many constant thank yous and cries for the many blessing and struggles I have.

My emotions are easily triggered. You know when you are feeling great/unstoppable and something or someone does something that can just pissed you off. You know, you shouldn't react and it takes all of you not to. Well, I'm working through all of that.

I've been playing positive music in my portable disc man that I listen to in my car (yeah, i still don't have a radio, lol.) It's official, I am a Gordon Chambers groupie. I had to believe, "it's not right/but its ok/i'm going to make it any way." I even busted out Afrodisiac, y'all know what i'm talking about.... "thank you for all the tears and all the stress, your the best I felt blessed I'm a better man now... look how i smile all you did was help the mess... because this experience made me into who i am..."

I speak life... dont give up the fight on your life. They are so much in life beside this lifestyle. So many times a day, I just want to give up. I over analyze too much. I plan too much. Yes, I'm much better know, but I still have lots to work on. Organization members don't care as much.. the passion is dying out of many people that I believe in.. Some family members aren't loving like they should... But, we have life.

The realization that has risen from the darkness in my life has brought me to the point of just Trusting and Believing. My personal encouragement has to fill up plenty of times daily. And y'all know GAS is expensive. Last night, my pastor ended on the subject of the race that God has already in store for us.

"You don't have to set the race... you just have to find your lane"

He preached about how God already has the path that we are destine to follow. All these years I've been trying to set up my race instead of doing what Toni sung about, "just let it flow... everything gonna work out right you know."

Like in the song, It's so hard to say goodbye, "I don't know where this road is going to lead/ All I know is where we've been and what we been through... And I'll take with me the memories/ To be my sunshine after rain/ It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday." Stop singing, lol.

It really is hard... to know the past, all the joy and the heartache that comes with it... Closing off the road that wasn't in God's plan. I've found my lane, so its the end of this road exiting off toward the right road.

Smiling at the Rashawn Brazell Meeting

2005-03-16T08:54:00.000-05:00

I'm definitely going to have a father post next week. I had a great b-day.. and thank you to everyone who commented on my last post.

Well, I wanted to discuss POCC yesterday, but it was MY DAY, lol. I must say Gordon Chambers CD is off the hook. While I was stuck in traffic for over an hour trying to get to the meeting I listen to the entire CD, absolutely off the Mfing hook.

Did I go to the Rashawn Brazell meeting at POCC? Sho Nuff. Was I nervous as heck when I walked into the office? Sho Nuff. Did I do what I said I was going to do? Sho Nuff. Was it exciting to be among men like myself who are socially conscious? Sho Nuff. Did I participate in the planning conversation? Sho NO. Did I want to? Sho Yes.

The meeting was my first time actively attempting to help the LGBT community. There were a lot of men of color that belonged to numerous organizations along with a few concern members of the community. It was great to be expose to knowledgeable men of color that had a genuine concern with the community. I am very observant. I try not to comment as a new member unless I've gather information about someone or a situation. I didn't say anything, which is unlike me, but its my first meeting. The meeting was successful because it gave the Black G-Life organizations with full time staff the assignment to organized a mourning service as well as a police informational event under the name the Rashawn Brazell Collective. Members of the community were given the opportunity to join the planning committee for either event.

I really wanted to say that we need to promote the deaths due to internet/chat line encounters. One thing with being socially conscious, you know people that aren't personally affected usually tend not to get involved. This is most unfortunate in the black community. I foresee the same thing happening to the Black G-life community if we don't education the men and women that go on these 1-on-1 dates.

At any given moment there are hundreds of men on ADAM, especially in New York City, Atlanta, Baltimore and DC. I firmly believe if men knew that they risk death on meeting someone in a private setting they will make more informed decision with meeting someone from the first time. (Of course, we know this.) I'll tell you one thing, I have met people from blackplanet and Adam. I haven't met anyone recently from there, but after Rashawn Brazell's death I WILL only meet someone in a public setting. Then when you eventually meet someone privately you still risk death or even HIV, but that's more of an educated risk.

In this lifestyle we don't have many resources to meet men, particularly if you on da low. You have the internet, chat line, G-life clubs and S-parties. Most of these resources promote S#x. I recently went on adam last week for the first time in three months. I notice a growing trend, Escorts. Even on the chat line, (I'll admit... I love to talk, and I do call the chat line... not frequently, ok enough of that, lol). I think a huge focus should emphasize on the importance of safe internet dating, not just to the OUTed community, but the men that aren't involved or aware about any LGBT issue. Even asking clubs to hand out a save s#x/date club card and in back of the card a testimony of someone who was expose to HIV from a unprotected hook up or a Death notice of someone who was killed from meeting someone unsafely from one of the above resources.

Word of mouth is the best resource when trying to spread the word. Last week, I had a message on the chat line about Rashawn's Death, telling people his speculated story. I had it on the entire night as I slept. Some men left messages that they googled his name and learned about what happen and they were going to pass the word. Knowledge is the key with so many issues we have today, from voting to unemployment. I hope the Collective with push an initiative of awareness that I can assist with. (So, why won't you do it.) I'm only one person involved with a lot, but I am definitely willing to help.

Ides of March aka MY B-DAY

2005-03-15T08:22:00.000-05:00

Beware of the Ides of March. Twenty-four years old! Today! Whew, Serious! Sike nah! It's definitely not Twenty-five but its another year as an adult. Another years of bills, working that 9 to 5, rent and insurance. But, another year of independence, privacy and freedom.

Last night, I was going to stay at a friends house because I didn't want to wake up alone on my b-day. Well, after I attended the meeting at POCC (I'll blog about that tomorrow), I went over to her house and said, "I'm going home and wake up in my own bed." I am truly bless. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, in my own apartment, driving my ride to my full time gig, then going to class. I'm also fully single and happy (lets just see how long that's going to last, lol). Potential is no longer apart of my love life.

Today marks another year of growth. Growth within myself. Growth in my community. Growth in my spirituality. And I better see growth in my financial life, lol.

After class, going to my moms and grandma's house to pick up my Packages and hopefully some cake. I think my co-workers are doing something for me, which is a rare occassion because they never celebrate employees b-days. They gave me cake and bagels for a brotha. I'm celebrating on Saturday with friends. On my way to the POCC meeting I wrote

25 things to accomplish by 25

25. Get my notary public certificate (yes, I'm a dork, lol)
24. Restart my harp lessons ( I can use the extra money doing gigs)
23. Get back into the gym
22. Read Nelson Mandela: In his own words - Autobiography
21. Establish small business #1
20. Save for my own house (with some tenants to pay for it)
19. Set up an address book with ALL of my contacts
18. Reestablish relationships with old contacts
17. Buy an laptop
16. Tell some of my friends what’s really good
15. Pick and choose the projects that I lead
14. Buy an Ipod
13. Continue with school
12. Talk to my mentors more
11. Talk to my mentees more
10. Become closer with my family.
9. Travel to Atlanta, Chicago and St. Louis
8. Have a more intimate relationship with God
7. If its ok with him, find that special someone
6. Establish an annual benefit for one of my organizations
5. Make some new/true friends
4. Purchase a whole new summer wardrobe
3. Attempt to grow my hair one last time
2. Establish small business #2 that can become big business
1. Accept me for me

I'm on my way...

2005-03-14T08:50:00.000-05:00

I'm on my way. I'm on my way into becoming OUT. Nah, I wouldn't put it that way. But, I'm on my way to being my own man. Last week, one of my boys was coming into town to go to a BG writers' b-day party. I knew about this writer for two years and that their would be many OUTed community members in attendance.

Because I love to be in the loop of what's going on, I quickly asked if I could accompany him. The next day, I was telling myself, maybe I shouldn't go because these people live in your area all of the paranoid stuff I subject myself to. I didn't asked him about it for the rest of the week. Saturday came around and we chatted online and he asked if I was still going. I had my Kool-aid smile on and typed, "Yeah, what time are we going and what are you wearing." LOL!

I just deleted 400 words on what went on. Long story short, I arrived at the writer's home and wasn't nervous. Well, when I walked in with my boys it was a little crazy because we had to walked though a bunch of staring eyes. And just stop in the middle as my boy greeted some of his friends. I hung my coat up and headed back upstairs and was happy about me being me. It's always great to be in a bunch of black men that have shared my struggles and challenges, yet overcame them as writers, attorneys, motivational speakers and models, etc. My success is so important to me and for me to witness the comfort of knowing that I can be who I am and be as successful as these men was/is a wonderful feeling.

I knew a couple of people, so that great. Met a couple of men that belonged to a couple of my organizations which is always comforting. I introduce myself with a strong handshake and my REAL NAME. Now this is big for me, because I really don't tell people my real name. I guess it was the spirits in me. I was just living in the moment instead of the future. As my spirituality grows stronger, my self-acceptance of this lifestyle changes progressively. Like I said having that CAN-Do spirit and knowing I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Poetry was killer. I saw ClayStarr performing two pieces of poetry. I didn't have the guts to introduce myself as "Hey, I'm SMILINGONTHEDL." But, I'm sure I'll see him again. There were actually a couple of bloggers that attended the party. The vibe I received from the host was overwhelming. I love my successful black people who have a genuine heart. He greeted my friends with a welcoming smile. When brotha sung, "His eyes are on the sparrow." That's a song that's close to my heart that I have forgot about and needed to be reminded. "Why should I feel discourage..." WHY SHOULD I FEEL DISCOURAGE!

Gordon Chambers blew me away with his inspirational song, "Always Be Proud." You know I can get emotional, but I was fought back the tears. For the first time in a long time, I was truly proud of all of ME. The first couple of lines, "Always be proud of what you overcome/ and always be proud of all the battles you won/ always be proud of all of your darkest days/ the tears you held back when you walked away." I had to hold back big time. Sometimes in life we need certain events, movies or songs that inspire us to be proud. As I stood ingesting all of his words, I knew my life is not just about this sexuality, it's about me. This is my anthem for 2005.

I woke up extremely tired because I didn't get into my apt till late and I wanted to go to church on Sunday. Instead of my gospel cd playing on my way to church, I listen to "Always Be Proud," over and over, just like this morning, LOL. At my new discipleship class we talked about how we have this human nature to live our lives with a carnal will, mind and emotion. We had a conversation that we just need to live with the guidance of God and know that through his love we will succeed. Afterwards, my pastor's sermon continued to talk about the transformation into becoming the Christians that God wants us to be. How we need to change/ change is good/ change is what is needed to live a better life.

Well, I don't know if I'm going to start holding up a rainbow flag. The politics of discretion is still in my mind along with my new found conformability with the Black G-Life community. (Read Brooklyn Boy Blues latest post about Mario Vasquez and the level of what being out can bring.) I will live my life as I want. I feel like Monica Calhoun in The Best Man, (yeah, i know, LOL!) when Sanaa Lathans character tells her not to worry about it anything. With a smile, Calhoun replies, "Your right. It's my day." May today and tomorrow continue to be my day, while I'm on my WAY.

Meeting tonight

2005-03-14T08:48:00.000-05:00

This was posted on ryanchronicles.blogspot.com. I'm attending this evening.

Bruthaz, [March 10th, 2005] a contingent of bruthaz from various samegender loving organizations such as POCC [People of Color In Crisis],GMAD [Gay Men of African Descent], NYSBGN [New York State Black GayNetwork], BMX NY [Black Men's Xchange New York] and some other bruthazjust representing themselves as caring community citizens gathered andconvened at Day-O [a Black owned soul food restuarant] in the villageover drinks to discuss how we felt about Rashawn's passing and whatpossible strategic action(s) to take as a community.

A lot of notes were taken and we decided that we would convene for aPre-meeting on Monday, March 14th, 2005 @ 7PM atPOCC468 Bergen Street [1/4 block from Flatbush Avenue] #2 or #3 train toBergen Street; 1/4 block walkBrooklyn, New York 11217 This meeting will discuss the strategies or ideas we came up with atDay-O and also we want the SAME GENDER LOVING COMMUNITY TO COME OUTAND SUPPORT THIS EFFORT! YOUR VOICE IS NEEDED TO HELP FORMULATE APLAN!

Depending upon what comes out of this pre-meeting we intend tohave a press conference at:Borough Hall in downtown Brooklyn onTuesday, March 22nd, 2005 @ 7PMDIRECTIONS: #2, 3, 4 or 5 trains to Borough Hall; "A", "C" or "F"trains to Jay Street/Borough HallI CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT BRUTHAZ COME OUT ANDSUPPORT THE PRE-MEETING SESSION AT POCC SO THAT YOUR VOICE IS HEARDAND THE STRATEGIZING CAN REALLY BEGIN!

A lot of times we can become socomplacent or just bear the pain and wonder why nothing ever happensfor our community. We just need some bruthaz to step up to the plateand attend this. I know we like to go to Luke & Leroy or go to ChiChiz and get our groove and drink on, but if some of us can do that,then can we at least come out and support ourselves and young bruthaRashawn who was brutally hacked up and murdered in support of our ownBlack same gender loving community????!! Can we come together and dothat???!!

As long as we keep perpetrating this invisibility role wewill continued to be non-served in such a manner. The white media hascovered this very minutely and it is up to US [BLACK PEOPLE] to take astand; for Sakia Gun on down we gotta do this bruthaz!

Penny with a Hole in it...

2005-03-11T09:11:00.000-05:00

I have never been in LOVE. I would say I've been infatuated with the concept of being in LOVE. I've been infatuated with some of the men and women I've dealt with. Even to the point when we would say I LOVE you. To me, infatuation is an overwhelming feeling.

Many times I have been attracted to people just because of their ambition and loving spirit. Most of these people were very similar to me. They had issues. These issues prevented the IN part of LOVE. Issues like ability to reveal emotion, self-esteem, financial and even spiritual. Dealing with black men, it is a whole other ball game than black woman. Much is bottled and sealed up.

It seems everyone I meet has this guard up. The guard that is created by someone that has did them wrong in the past. Instead of nature taking its time, (this is what is been happening to me) I or them does something that messes things up. This year, I'm on the whole real vibe with the people I am attempting to get it there with aka get in a relationship with. The whole black man's pride is something I'll probably have to work on with myself and whoever partner for the rest of my life.

I have this theory that true LOVE is unconditional. It's a place where people are accepting of each others faults and insecurities. Also, a place where two people meet and share their lives with each other. In Shall We Dance? (yes, I went to the movies by myself to see this movie.) Susan Sarandon (my home girl) character says something in essence like this "we marry someone because they will bare witness of our life." Dang, that is strong. Someone that's knows where you been, what your doing and where your going.

My involvement in numerous things has prevented me to allow myself to really tell someone about all of the things I'm doing or have done. In other words, I don't think anyone is really interest in what I do. The LOVE I guess I believe in, will surpass all of that what your doings to the point when my partner contributes to what I'm doing instead of listening. And this works both ways. I'm ready to make time for someone in my hectic schedule. Ready to come home and have someone to lay with. Ready to argue and all that other stuff.

At last weeks Bible study, my Pastor mention that we won't find the perfect LOVEr. We have to love someone for who they are, not what they are doing, how much money, what school they graduated from. We all have issues. This drove me to the position to put up with some things I may not like. Because $%^t I'm not perfect either.

It appears when we pass the oh, so famous stage that John Legend sings about.. you know, "we past that infatuation stage." We see people for who they are and that's imperfect. And the people I've been involved have had a difficult past. So, let's work on each other. Have that friendship along with that relationship understanding. But, it never gets that far. You know when Renee Zellweger in Jerry McGuire say, "I love him for the man that he is and the man that he is going to become." I stood in the place where I like him for the damage man that he is and the healed man he will become.

Yesterdays, poem I wrote, "Can you give me your life sufferings as a gift?" Revealing oneself is ideal with beginning something real. I serious want someone to reveal who they are and I do the same so we can work off of each other. Do that Love Jones thing, "Get Together. Fall Apart. Start Over." So, I'm guessing you may think I'm hopeless like a penny in a hole in it, lol.

See for me, I like, lust, kiss, hug, and most importantly LOVE hard. And when this is return, I am unstoppable. But, wait, this hasn't happen to me yet. Nope, but just the idea of one day being IN LOVE puts a smile on my face.

One more thing....

2005-03-10T12:36:00.000-05:00

One more thing...

I wanted to post this over the weekend. Saturday morning, I woke up and watched Love Jones for the first time in years. I am really feeling Love Jones right now. Two people who contemplate the risk of loving each other. "Get Together. Fall Apart. Start Over," dang. I was a little inspired. I'm not a poet, but I just had a poem that I wanted or should I say needed to write. This poem are my questions to the one.

Potential Lover

Can you handle it?
My good, My bad, My ugly…

Can you step out of the game into reality because I don’t want to get play’d?

Can you relinquish your life sufferings as a gift to me?

Can you envision, say aloud, read aloud and write about our future?

Can you sacrifice your pride and YELL what you want me to do for you?

Can you furnish me with comfort that you understand who I am?

Can you undertake the research to answer all of my life’s questions?

Can you appreciate my insecurities as much as I appreciate yours?

Can you wipe away my Miss Celie’s Blues?

Can you reveal the facts that this is real?

Can you accept the love I’m willing to surrender to you?

Can you swing to me on a vine of love as if you were Tarzan and Jane?

Can you handle it?
My bad, My ugly…

CAN-DO Spirit

2005-03-10T09:05:00.000-05:00

After writing my post yesterday, I was happy that I'm getting involved with the Rashawn Brazell project. A half hour later, I wanted to back out and erase my post. I put on my WOW Gospel CD for some type of emotional support. Called a few friends, but told them I had to talk to them tonight about something important. I was just feeling defeated.

Then, a councilwoman called me and asks me to accompany her to this after work social fund-raiser for a black congressional candidate she was hosting. First, I was annoyed she told me at the last minute because I seen her on Sunday, but happy I could do some networking. All of my focus went on getting out of work earlier to change and arriving at the place on time.

I am fasting on Wednesdays till Easter with my Church congregation. When I arrived home, I didn't feel like going to the event because I really wanted/needed to go to bible study. I called my mother and told her I needed some motivating words to attend the event. Sista, gave me a Kool-aid smile, so I put myself together and headed out.

When I get to the neighborhood, I notice I wasn't in Kansas anymore. As I pulled up to the gate of the address that was given to me, I notice I'm heading to a multimillion dollar home. So, I take a look in my rear view mirror and then look at my car and laughed. I still have the yellow numbers on my white car from the pound and had some boogers in my nose. Kinda embarrass, but knew there wasn't anything to do except wipe my nose.

I wore my favorite black shoes that on certain floors squeak. Yup, as I walked throughout the mansion, people stared at my shoes, LOL. At 6pm it was time to eat after an entire day without food intake. The event had a little buffet and in the middle of the room there is a baby chandelier around 5 feet 5 inches from the floor. So, of course, my behind walks into the chandelier, luckily only one person seen me, LOL. Then I'm talking with the councilwoman's sister as I poured a glass of Merlot, and I spill some on the floor, LOL. Last but not least, I start to eat my food and I'm MAD HUNGRY, so as I open my mouth for the first bite drool started to leak from my mouth and the attorney next to me notices it, LMAO. OH MY GOODNESS!

Overall, I had a great time, made some extraordinary contacts and laughed my way onto church. I arrived just after the choir finished singing. You know how sometimes you attend church and the pastor preaches what you need to hear, it happen last night as always. I'm not going to go all the way into it.... but check out some of what I wrote down:

"You are in control of you own successes."
"You can't be in Christ and not be in victory."
"Do an inventory of your life."
"Stop complaining and saying what you can't do. Have a CAN-DO Spirit."

If that wasn't for me, then I don't know what else. A CAN-Do Spirit. Yeah, I am going to assist with seeking justice for Rashawn Brazell. But, I'm also reminded to continue to believe that I "can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I think its time!

2005-03-09T09:14:00.000-05:00

Rashawn Brazell death has really been bothering me. I know tons of people that get down, mostly on da low. I informed them about his death and most of them felt bad about what happen and said its just part of living in the life. Does it have to be apart of it?

We have so many unspoken stories of our brothers and sisters that are hurt/killed because of discrimination. One of my friends told me about a student in Connecticut, who happen to be a member of an historically black fraternity, was killed prostituting in Drag last Fall. Did we hear about this? No!

Social activism is my passion. It's my life. A situation like Brother Brazell sends me in outrage. It also reminds me of my self-inflicted barrier that usually prevents me from doing what I want because so many people in the LGBT community are involved. It also contradicts my beliefs of people standing up for what they believe in.

I tend to read about issues that members of the black LGBT community are fighting. Instead of assisting in their endeavors, I might donate.. purchase a book.. but never actively committing to those issues. Yes, they are advocating for me, but why am I, as a social conscious black man not marching with them!

Even fun things, a friend of mine who is OUT invited me to GMHC dance-a-thon AIDS fund-raiser over the summer! I knew it would be fun, but ME going to a GMHC event... not so fun! It took all of my balls just to go to the Noah's Arc premiere. And recently, the Masculinities Conference. Slowly progressing.

I'm sure members of the OUTed community want the so-called "dl" brothas to do it like Nike (Just Do It!.) But my mother really drilled in me that there is a consequence to all of your actions. I guess the decision to be out or not can serve as a huge negative consequence because of some of my goals. Then again, it could bring this much-needed happiness that I need.

Getting down is just part of my life. LGBT issues are just apart of my main issues that I want to fight. Issues like unemployment, underemployment, education, gang violence, affordable housing, community and political involvement. I have a strong ability to create, fund-raise, lead and mobilize many social efforts. I think its time for me to do assist the black LGBT community. I know I can shorten this barrier enough to become active in the effort to bring justice to my Brother Rashawn Brazell. Maybe this is just the beginning all I know, I'm playing the moment when he cut in front of me while I was dancing with a friend. I remember smiling at this young brotha at the lounge. Another BGM in our world, just like me.

Check out bejata.com post "turning anger into action".. just click the title!

We need you now!

2005-03-08T08:30:00.001-05:00

Father,

I'm standing in the need of prayer. Lord, our people need you more than ever. You know I have been crying a lot lately because so much is going on with the world. I've pray for so many things. Right now, I pray that you give our people guidance and strength.

Rashawn Brazell has departed from our community. His death is a tragedy. Let his death be remembered that Rashawn could have been us. So many of us meet people through the Internet. So many of us sleep with each other without knowing the person's last name. So many of us are dying unwanted. So many of us are confused about our sexuality. Father, I don't know the circumstances on how my brother Rashawn departed, all I know I have put myself in predicaments that he could have been ME!

Please work through the Media and other organizations to realize that this is a situation we need to discuss. Telling Rashawn's story will save lives. Let our organizations work for us, not just LGBT groups, but groups like the NAACP as well.

Help me find how I can assist during this time.

Work in your mysterious way. Father, I know how powerful you have always been. Please help us out.

Lord, we need you NOW! We need you yesterday, today and tomorrow!

In Jesus Name I Pray,

DW

Rashawn Brazell

2005-03-07T16:04:00.000-05:00

This is a crazy story. Click on Rashawns name, it will send you to Karsh's weblog. Karsh has links to Larry Lyons and Steven Fullwood's pages. This event is scary.

After viewing his picture today, I remembered over the summer seeing Rashawn a couple of times at Bardo's/Luke and Leroy's. I notice him and his friends because they were very young hanging out at a bar. Our world is such a sad place. My heart and prayers go out to his family and friends.

Situations like this, makes me want to close off my cave and never come out.

When a friends, isn't a friend.

2005-03-07T10:56:00.000-05:00

My mother married my stepfather when I was six year's old. During my young years, I witness the physical and mental abuse that he put my mother through. My brother, sister and I were victims as well. My mother fought for us plenty of times. My mom truly had what some call battered woman's syndrome. Believe me it's real. There were countless nights when I would balled my fist in bed and I'd hear things being broken. I would pray hard, real hard that God would give my mom the strength to survive. My mom would survive, leave and repeat the cycle for almost ten years. While in High School my mother and I stood up and shut him out of our lives.

I vowed to never put up with any physical or mental abuse from anyone.

I am a firm believer that if someone you consider a friend does or say something that will hurt you, you don't need to be around that person. That goes for family and lovers, too. This brings me to the reason of this post.

Over the years of talking to many BGM from different parts of life, all of them have been through some type of emotional battled with a loved one. As a result, some stemmed this battle with their friends and potential lovers. I'm very compassionate when it comes through emotional battles, because I'm a survivor and fighter of many great battles and I'm still fighting.

It comes to the point, right NOW in my life, I don't need anyone giving me additional mental abuse, especially friends. I didn't go into detail about why Shawty and I departed ways, but this is why we aren't friends now. (Click on the title for past post.) This brotha has gone through a lot of abuse growing up and he would say some offensive things to me. A lot of times I would let it slide, but there were somethings that he knew really bothered me and he would say them anyway. The day I cut him off, he said something again and i was like OH HECK NO! He is aware that I'm going through emotional recovery and still has something disrespectful to say/do. Keep in mind, if he told me that something bothered him I would never (Never Ever, never ever, never ever, never -Outkast) bring it up. There was a whole lot of stuff I could have said, but I believe in Karma (what comes around goes around - mama & alicia.) I was his only true friend; his other friends constantly take advantage of him.

When you get to know someone, you see the good and the bad. You know what makes them happy or upset. Yes, I can be sensitive. Usually, when someone says something that bothers me, I inform them of their actions and see if it comes up again. What type of friend constantly does things that will upset you? I brush a lot of dirt off my shoulders. Being involved with many projects and organizations has given me strength. It seems the people that really can PISS ME OFF are friends. Gotta love them, most def! But after a while of continuous $%^t its time to go! (I'm not talking about other people's conflicted opinions, but rather non-constructive criticism.) I hope I'm getting my point across.

On Saturday, someone said something offensive to me. I let the first time slide. Second time, I informed them never to say that to me again. This brotha says it again in a serious tone and I hung up. Hung up because I just informed this fool to chill out with saying that $%^t to me. This person knows the real me. I am not going to go into what was said to me, but it was something that anyone with consideration wouldn't say to the REAL ME. Did I expect for him to call back and apologize, YES I DID? Did it happen? NO IT DIDN'T. So, after contemplating whether or not I should confront him about comments. I choose not to call him. Its Monday and still no phone call, e-mail or text. If he has too much pride to know that he was wrong then I can do better all by myself. I feel if I call, I'm the one admitting I over reacted when in fact I informed him not to say it again but like an idiot he said it again. Thinking about it, I'm like why have a friend that does something on purpose to get you mad. Yeah, a lot of my friends play around and say little things, but this situation was different, very negative. Yes, I will have many disagreements with people. But, when something specifically tell you don't do something because it hits a hurtful spot, then don't do it. So, question to the blog world out there, AM I WRONG? Should I call? Should I wait for him to call?

Get at me!

He's Able!

2005-03-03T10:10:00.000-05:00

Desire update (if you don't know about Desire, click on he's able):

I had been debating calling this man for a week. Although things didn't go as planned, it would be nice friend to have him as a friend. I decided not to call him. Pride getting in the way, but if he wanted to be friends he would call me, too. Oh, well.

Saturday, I spent most of the day lounging around my apartment. I was in deep thought about the Desire and Potential situations. Shamefully, lol, I was also thinking about what Madea said, "If anyone is willing to leave you, let them go!"

As I entered my new discipleship class at church on Sunday, Desire was walking out of the class he teaches. We gave quick hellos and kept it moving. So, I went on a bathroom break and he's walking in my directions smiling and hits me as we passed each other. (Note: we use to do that all of the time.) MY FACE WAS SERIOUS! So, I get to the urinal and stood there with my stuff out for three minutes before I could pee. Three minutes of thinking about how could he touch me was a long time, LOL.

After class, I stayed for service. If I looked to my left I could see him. As always, Pastor was on fire. The message was about how we have so-called grudges on the people that has done us wrong. This grudge has something over us and we miss out on blessings. He said, "Let it go, Let it go!" The tears began. Although Desire wasn't the only one I forgave, he was the only one to the left of me. And I felt guilty because this man has given me a situation that I have risen and learned from and I had resentment towards him.

Even though, I felt, cried and even blogged about forgiving him, it was put to the test last night.

Last night was the first bible study I have attended since joining my new church home. As soon as I walked through the doors of the church, Guess Who? Desire. Let me tell you something readers, I smiled so much you could have seen all of my teeth as I said while passing, "Hello, how are you doing?" Desire was in disbelief, I know he didn't expect my cheerful greeting. I went up the stairs, HAPPY. Happy because for the first time since our last telephone conversation I seen Desire and didn't wish to knock him out (yes, I wanted to on Sunday).

Another first, I didn't sit alone at Church. I saw my first harp teacher at Church for the first time since 2000. (Yes, I'm a harpist, Don't stereotype! That's the renaissance man in me.) We caught up on a lot of things and I just felt golden. Desire sat three rows behind us. And all I could do is laugh because I felt like he was looking at me. Maybe he wasn't, but I was still smiling. I texted Potential (he's a church boy) and told him that I had truly forgiven Desire. It was kinda weird, because he was the first one I wanted to share this with. The young choir sung Kirk Franklin's, "He Able." And you know I was jamming when they sung the "he can do it, he can do it, oh yes he can" part.

He's able!

Oh yeah, I made the cut. thelovehater.com has put me on his list of loved ones. I'm special!

Hollering Back with Answers!

2005-03-01T11:12:00.000-05:00

On the road again is the shizness. Yesterday, I bought a snow brush from the 99c store. It was fun to brush off my car yesterday and today, lol. Aiight, I know I'm cheezy.

My bad for the format of this post, but I typed it on word and when I copied and pasted it didn't come out right

The LoveHater asked
1. Where were you born?
At first, I was going to give you a fake state. But, I’m bigger than that. I was born, tamed and groomed in North Jersey.

2. How do you like to relax?
Movies are like therapy. I love to watch them. Great conversation relaxes me. Since Christmas, I’ve started to really enjoy wine. A couple of my friends grew up learning about it, so now they are teaching me.

3. When I come to New York will u hang with me?It would be great to hang with you. Go out and get a glass of wine.

Pip asked

1. Who is your biggest influence politically?
Kwesi Mfume is my biggest influence. My favorite books to read are autobiographies of Black People. After reading his bio I was intrigued with his motivation to better society. He came from nothing and survived the streets of Baltimore to graduating from Morgan State, become a councilman, congressman, two time chair of the Congressional Black Caucus and eventually President of the NAACP. He takes a stand for what he believes in and doesn’t care about anything else. Another thing that I like about him, he knew how to network and know the right people, it saddens me that he retired. I’m sure it is a lot of stuff that went on that the public is unaware of.
2. Are most of your gay friends on the DL as well?
Yes, they are on the “DL.” But, DL is so broad. Some of my G-friends parent know about them. Some have str8 friends that know about them. Some regularly attend G events and don’t care who sees them. But, most of them don’t parade the G-ness. Almost all of them are secure with who they are. I have two friends that are “out.” I have mad love and respect for them. You will always hear me say that I really respect all of those who are public out, they have the guts to do what I don’t have or don’t want to have.

3. What is your favorite form of live entertainment?
I really enjoy the theatre. I don’t go as much as I want to. Ummm, I also love spoken word.

Rod asked

1. How goes your NAACP project?
I have e-mailed several community groups throughout the country, mostly on the East Coast. I haven’t received any responses, yet. Realistically, I think the best way to move forward from gangs is to try to get at-risk youth involved with something progressive. Not sure if I want to reinvent the wheel, but rather add an affiliate/chapter of a community oriented high school group in my area.

2. Tell us more about church.
Well, that’s a broad question. Honestly speaking I have overcome my struggle with God concerning my sexuality. My conclusion is that Jesus loves me. I don’t believe he feels that I’m living in sin. If my sexuality was a sin, he will forgive me. I don’t believe the black church should denounce someone’s sexuality. They should denounce sin in general. One thing I have found out during my spiritual quest, it’s truly how you PERSONALLY interpret the bible.

The black church has the potential to become the biggest progressive network of black people. It has the ability to secure economic empowerment, build housings, and create jobs and elected TRUE God-fearing elected officials.

3. What type of men are you attracted to and why?
Ambition is a complete turn on for me. Compassion, intelligence, spirituality, and social consciousness are all characteristics that lead to my attraction. I also expect this person to be humble, loving, submissive and aggressive.

Potential asked:

1. Do you miss me? I sure as hell miss you!

Yes, I do miss you. We needed to have the discussion that took place on Sunday.

2. Why do you think we have such this attraction toward each other.

See what type of men that I am attracted to. You possess all these qualities. You aren't perfect and neither am I, but we both are willing to work on some things to make it work.

3. Do you think we'll ever put our pride down enough to enjoy what we've built?

After our conversation my pride is down enought to enjoy what we've build. So, I guess only time will tell if we truly do put down our pride and make this work

brutha - free said..

1. What does “dl” mean to you?
My definition on dl has change tremendously in the last year. Right now, I think the term dl is a bunch of crap. (So why are you smilingdl? Because, at the time I thought DL meant discreet in general). DL right now means a lot of different things to many different people. I don’t label myself; I consider myself discreet with who has factual knowledge that I get down.

2. Do you think you will ever not be “dl”?

I don’t know. I’m very indecieve with making this decision. I want to tell the people who are close to me. A big part of me wants to say I won’t be “dl.” I’ve always been a private person when it came to relationships with men or women. So, I don’t’ think I’ll ever broadcast it, but hopefully I have enough courage to do everything I wanted to irregardless of what people do or say. Who knows what may come, while I search deeper on who I am.

3. What do you think is the purpose of life?
That’s a huge question. I have no idea. However, I do believe a big part of the purpose of life is self-discovery, which is on going. It seems like I’m not going to ever stop learning about myself. Each time I have an experience (good or bad) it gives me lessons to learn from.

Will asked

1. Why are you personally on the DL?
Well, I live my sexuality in FEAR. I have False Expectations Appearing Real. Because, I am gun ho about my career, I feel my sexuality will hinder me from succeeding. My low self-esteem plays a huge part of why I choose to live this lifestyle discreetly.

2. What motivates you?
I swear to goodness, I love seeing black people overcome obstacles. Don’t get me wrong, I can get jealous with the quickness. But, when I see someone that looks like me doing great things it inspires me to move forward. We have so many stories on how we became who we are today. That’s the main reason why I love reading autobiographies. I can truly put myself in other people situation and have compassion and respect for them.

This morning, one of my clients received a job and is now looking for an apt. People don’t recognize how hard it is in America. A brotha without education or skills has an extremely hard time surviving. I have and still am assisting him with his endeavors, when he moves on and I see him on the streets and those two words are spoken (Thank You!) He has motivated me more than he knows. I have had a couple of those experiences and they are true blessings.

3. Are you comfortable and at peace with the nature of your lifestyle- or are you seeking a bit more?
I am comfortable, today. It’s an on-going struggle that I will have because of the way society perpetuates BGM. The black community most of the time aren’t welcoming to SGL people. This drives me nuts, because it’s an unspoken thing in many families and circle of friends, and I’M APART OF THIS. I contemplate this a couple of times a year. I will contact all of my friends that get down and ask them what do they think about this or that.

What also gets on my nerves is when OUTed members of the community aren’t accepting to those who aren’t out. (And yes, this is VICE VERSA.) In general black people need to stick together because we all have to struggle in America. Therefore, the Black LGBT have two things that in common; their sexuality and race. It’s hard being a black man in America. It’s even harder being a Black G-Man. This whole thing about the DL is going on in the media, is pushing back people from coming OUT. People see the opinions of others at work, home, school and church.

I’m not sure if I would be accepted by the member of the OUTed community. I am happy that some blog members have given me advice and didn’t care or just didn’t give me the impression that I wasn’t one of the boys. There are some members in the blog community that I think read my blog from time to time, but never posted on my site. It leads me to believe that I’m not accepted among the men that share a common connection. This connection is more relevant than any other human connection. We have struggle through many similar struggles. Sometimes, I post on other bloggers sites and start with Brother. Brother for me is that we share something that no one else shares. Maybe this is my low self-esteem that wish these people said something.

Fact is, most of the men that I am really attracted to are OUT. The confidence and courage it takes for a black man to tell his “sexuality” is the strength I have/do desired. Is it happening? I don’t’ know where my road will lead.

The hardest thing for me is finding a different kind of acceptance in myself. I accept that fact that I like brothas. But, I don’t accept that fact that members of the community may not accept me for me. For me, its like I can play two games, which one should I play.

Good question!

Boybrown

1. What is your view on religion and the current gay lifestyle?
Well, I think I answered that through other questions.

2. Would you ever marry another guy if it became legal?
Honestly, I would. I believe the unconditional life-long love will give me the strength and most important security to do so. When I love or even like, I do it with all of my heart. And to have someone to bear witness on earth that I’ve been alive is a true blessing.

3. What would be the reaction of your parents/close friends to you Downlow status?
Frankly speaking, I don’t they would care. Right now, I’ve been considering telling one of my best friends, who is a girl, about me, this upcoming weekend. I have been talking about telling her for the past two years. And right now, I think its time. I know during the course of my life whether or not I become publicly out, my family and close friends will be told.

I don’t feel like re-reading all of this. Thank you to everyone that posted a question and comment. Oh yeah, thanks for the e-mails, they are appreciated as well. Stay Up!

ReEdit: Hey, I was just going through some of my archives and reading comments. THANK YOU! SERIOUSLY, THANKS YOU ALL FOR GIVING ME YOUR REMARKS! And for all the quiet people who view without saying wassup..... ummm.... I can't think of anything to say, LOL!

Forgave and forgiven.. now what?

2005-02-28T09:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I cried!

Yesterday, I cried unto the Lord. Yesterday, I cried for forgiveness. Yesterday, I cried for strength. Yesterday, I cried for self-assurance. Yesterday, I cried for stability. Yesterday, I cried to forgive.

Yesterday, I forgave every man and woman that has taken pieces of my heart. I have carried the burden of having my heart stolen, kicked, punch, stabbed, and lynch. I allowed all of that to happen. This burden created a guard in me that rebukes some my blessings or even someone special. The guard that most black men possesses.

Something told me not to go to Mass. this pass weekend. Since I had my car, I found myself Friday and Saturday going to different places by myself. I didn't have my normal depress attitude about being lonely. I just lived. Much like I always have. Realizing that I have come this far by faith. I've been through a lot more turmoil that I haven't even touched on this blog.

Sunday, I woke up and made a play list with some of my gospel favorites, as I was getting ready for church. I notice something new on two songs.

1. "Never Give Up," by Yolanda Adams.

She sings, "Never give up, Never give up on You." That you is very powerful and just discovered. Lately, I've been feeling like just giving up. Giving up on love. I think about giving up on my ambitions and solely devoting myself to my community and the church. But, I desire much more than that. This song reminds me to never give up on ME. I've definitely have hurtles to jump that will stand in my way, but, like most track and field athletes have to train to successfully jump over those hurtles, I have to do the same thing. I have to train my spiritual being and allowing the spirit to guide me.

2. "Jesus Love Me," performed by Whitney Houston on the Bodyguard Soundtrack produced by Bebe Winans

Towards the end, she riffs, "Sometime I'm LONELY but never ALONE, because the bible tell me so." I forget this all the time. I eat out, watch TV, lay down all by myself feeling lonely, but not looking on the bright side that I'm not alone. Forgetting that I am loved unconditionally and He is with me through my journey towards TRANSFORMATION. The transformation that I write about is the changes I'm making in my life from learning through my practical experiences.

Realizing that through my wire, I am a SURVIVOR. I have to remind myself of where I've been. Standing venerable and insecure in the rain and some severer storms, I have always seemed to prevail over all of those obstacles. The many storms that have came my way, has brought me many rainbows of joy and true happiness.

At a young age, I always had a PLAN for everything. I have many long-term plans, that I don't exactly know will pan out they way I foresee them. Honestly, it seems most of my successes have come through alternative routes. I love to go with the flow, but most of the time I have to lead everything, when sometimes I just want to follow. And now, I need to trust and believe and follow the one up above.

My mother raised me to acknowledge that everything I do comes with some type of consequence. This brings up my fear of FAILURE. I'm frightened and scared that I will fail all of the big things I want to do in life. As I vastly approach the launch of my business, I'm frightened that this won't propel the opportunity I anticipate. I'm a little scared I will backslide for my new church home and forget how bless I am. It's happen before, but now, I pray for his strength.

My PRIDE brings me the most agony. I rather keep my mouth shut or post rather than tell people how I truly feel about certain things. I'm not a yes man. But, a man who choices to over analyzed certain things rather than get them out there in the open. This has prevented relationships on my part and the other person part, mainly talking about my situation with Potential. This is our black man syndrome of now saying how we feel and acting upon it.

A lot of the time, I don't feel WORTHY of what I have or can have. I shout, praise and worship him. I am truly thankful for everything. Far too often, I feel unworthy of his blessings he gives to me. Having the tendency of putting other people in front of me has indwelled in me for years. I need to become selfish. Selfish to the point when I can say NO and feel good doing it. Knowing when I need to think about myself, rather than family, friends, work, and many organizations. Give myself LOVE. I've been avoiding a look at myself for the past two weeks. (except for Sunday, brotha took out a three piece suit, looking fly, lol.) Self love will give me the strength to know I'm worthy of being loved from my family friends and God.

Donnie McClurklin (I don't agree with his stance with SGL) put it best, "For a Saint is just a sinner who fell down and got back up." Right now, I'm going though the challenge of this substantial endeavor. I'm going to try not to complain, but rather discuss what I'm going through.

3 Questions, I hope to post the responses tomorrow. Hey, if you're reading this, ask me a question! My blog was viewed over 200 times over the weekend and I only have five people asking questions. I don't bite.

So, I pray that..

As I TRANSFORM , I will SURVIVE without having a specific PLAN because I'm will not be afraid to FAIL. With the right amount of PRIDE to know I'm Worthy of all of my blessings that will shine though.

3 Questions... and I'll holla back with answers!

2005-02-25T11:07:00.000-05:00

After a couple weeks of debate, I have decided to go along with some of my comrades and open the floor up for questions you may want to ask me. Within reason, I will answer all of them.

And like brotha-free states, "if I only get like 2 responses I will erase this pose with the quickness and act like it neva happend..."

Give me a few days to answer the questions. I know there are a couple of people that read and never commented. The time is now.

So, three questions. Drill me! Go ahead, ask me!

"IIIIIIIIIII'mmmmmmmmmmm BBBBAAACCCKKKK!"

2005-02-25T09:47:00.000-05:00

MY CAR IS OFFICIALLY BACK IN MY LIFE! My mother called me while I was at work and said my grandfather was driving my car around. I laughed. She was telling on her father, lol. So, I called grandpa and implied nothing. He told me, my car was fixed on Wednesday and he was driving it around till I called so he can save some money on gas (He drives a Yukon.) I decided to wait and get my car on Sunday.

My boy, Shawty and I have been arguing about a lot of stuff in '05. And I really don't like drama between friends. They say opposites are attracted to each other, but after a couple of months of really trying to keep calm, IT'S A WRAP! This past week I must have deleted 20 names from my cell. And I hope Shawty is the last one. It's going to be weird not having him around because he was my local roll dawg. Like Miss Jones says on Hot 97, "Oh, Well!" It's for the best! Trying to cleanse my surroundings, so I can push forward towards emotional recovery.
My homegirl and I were supposed to hit up a party that my friend was throwing in the bx. The snow was terrible in the NYC area last night. She never goes on the subway and decided to call me back a hour after we are suppose to meet and says she doesn't want to go out in the snow. I know its really to cold to wait on the subway platform and I wasn't going to spend another night in my apt. So, I decided to go get my car from my grandfather's house around 11pm. I couldn't find any gloves and I brough a t-shirt to clean off the snow. I swear to goodness, snow is COLD. After warming the car up for 30mins, I drove aware. I can't even explain the feeling of having my car back in commission after a year and a half. It felt good. The party sucked, tho. The best part was being able to drive home.

You know I was souped up when I woke up and had to clean off my car, LOL. I was calling illegally(gangsta, no head piece) all my friends that have sprint and told them where I was calling from. Something is wrong with me, I keep on referencing Madea to my friends, Lol.

Well, I'm trying to get out of going to Boston this weekend. I kinda want to pimp my ride. It's the Black weekend at my old school and most of friends are going to be there. I'm just not in the mood to go over new stuff that I'm doing. I've been going back the last two years, and it seems that is the one weekend everyone is trying to out do each other. Well, I know I'm going, have to pick up my clothes out the dry cleaners, and you know I'll out do everyone, LOLOLOL.

Today's song of the day, well, I still don't have a radio in da car, so the I'm performing today, is Juelz Santana, "IIIIIIIIIII'mmmmmmmmmmm BBBBAAACCCKKKK!"

One more thing, I wanted to share something that is in my heart right now. I'm trying to remember this word for word by monday. One of the characters recited it in Coach Carter.

OUR GREATEST FEAR
Marianne Williamson from her book A Return to Love

Our great fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyone measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Madea Spoke To Me

2005-02-24T11:37:00.000-05:00

When I arrived in Jerzee last night, my grandmother picked me up and I drove to the theatre to see Madea Goes To Jail. We started looking for a parking spot 30mins before the curtain call. The streets were packed, filled with my beautiful people. Ten mins before the show starts my grandmother tells me she just received a handicapped parking pass. We ended up parking a block a way.

When I purchased the tickets on Tuesday, I knew they wouldn't be the greatest because it was the day before the show. When we entered the theatre, I showed the usher our tickets and he tells me I need to get on the elevator. In the elevator, I was told I had to get off at the last stop. I'm like oh boy, these tickets must really suck. (Side note: My grandmother and I are very closed. She raised me until I was seven. This Sista is the reason for my spiritual beginnings. She can give a whoppin like no other. Grandma can be very prissy and conservative out in public.) I was really worried what my grandmother would say when we go to our seats which was the third to last row, LOLOL. I began to get dizzy. My grandmother said she thinks its was the same seats she was in when she seen Ray Charles a couple of decades ago. She was ok, YES!

I've seen most of Tyler Perry plays on bootleg, and they are extremely clear, LOL. But, after yesterdays performance I want to see his future plays live. I have some friends that are regular theatre goers and they wouldn't be caught dead at a Tyler Perry play. Madea Goes To Jail was extremely entertaining. I wish blogs allowed you to hear some audio, because I've been imitating scenes from the play all morning. I haven't laugh that hard in 500 days, lol. I won't get into the whole story line. But, there were a couple of moments when the audience was singing and I think some of the lines were impromptu.

On a different note, this play had many deep undertones. It spoke about parenting, forgiving, and spirituality as always. What had me getting a little nervous when Madea was talking to one of the actors about letting go. I thought she was talking to me. Well, you know about Potential and Desire, I'm still going through the let go stage. You know, when you want to call, but you don't. Madea said, "Anyone that is willing to leave you, LET THEM GO!" It's funny, because I often told friends that same response. But, she went on and spoke about being happy for you, something, brutha-free and lovehater advised. I want to start exploring more things that I think I would enjoy out of the house. For me, living alone accounts for the most my lonely times. So, I need to get out of the house and do some thing other than work/school/business/the cause.

That play was wonderful; it put me in the best mood. But, most of all, Grandma enjoyed it.

In the play they sung my new theme song of the week (smiling hard, LOL)

The classic tune by the Spinners - Love Don't Love Nobody.

Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes a girl
Will come and go
You reach for love
But life won't let ya know
That in the end
You'll still be lovin her
But then she's gone
You're all alone

Sign of pain
Is on my face, well
My heartbeat stops
But I won't take the blame, no no
I gave her all the love I had within
My love was strong
Something went wrong, no! no!

It takes a fool to learn
Yes sir
That love don't love nobody
Love Love Love Love Love Love
It takes a fool to learn
Stop to think about it, well
That Love don't love nobody
Oh! Oh no!
It takes a fool to learn
When you're down and out,
shout about it
That Love don't love nobody
Tell the world, oooh babe
No more....
It takes a fool to learn
Gotta be more careful about myself
That love don't love nobody
It takes a fool to learn
Woah baby took me a long time to learn, to learn, well
That love don't love no one
It takes a fool to learn
I was a fool, you were a fool
That love don't love nobody
Now we got love, we need love
It take a fool to learn

I'm such a dork, swaying back and forth as if I'm at a Spinners concert. After the audience sung this song, Madea says, "You not ready for music like this. Nowadays, y'all got hip hop. Back in my day we had Jump-off. Jump off the Roof music." LMAO

We Need To Work For Ourselves and Our Community.

2005-02-23T10:59:00.000-05:00

After work, I had class and I went to the local NAACP Meeting. I arrived early and the President asked me to sit in during the Executive Committee meeting. I was already tired from my long day, but I wanted to see what the NAACP was during about the increase gang situation. I've been a member over a year, but they don't really don't give young people the opportunity to speak up.

This meeting wasn't organization at all. One thing dealing with much older people that are in positions of power I've found, they constantly go on and on and on. It gets quite aggravating. I always been the type to do the same thing, go on and on, LOL. But, it hurts to sit through an entire meeting of the $^&t. However, when it came time for open floor, they didn't talked about the gun shooting that happen last Tuesday in front of my building. They didn't talk about finally reacting to the increase in gang related violence. So, I spoke about how important for the NAACP to be at the forefront of doing more things regarding gang prevention. Quickly, they ask me to head up this initiative instead of the action committee. Don't get me wrong, I wanted the NAACP to help me deal with gangs, not the NAACP giving me permission to use there name when doing so. I wanted assistance instead I get an assignment.

They start talking about what needs to happen like research on why kids join gang. I went on to inform them we know the basics; our youth come from broken homes, they don't have jobs to occupy their time, most don't have recreational outlets to absorb their energy, they aren't loved. So, then they jump on the bandwagon and agreed with me and talked about have a speaker come in like Dr. Michael Eric Dickson and speak to our youth. But yo, what's really good, a speaker isn't going to be there 24/7. We need something in place involving our schools, our churches and our law enforcement on a continuous basis.

Honestly, I don't want to work directly with people, it can be very emotional. Presently, I work for the unfortunate and I battle different stories every day. I commend the many casemanagers, social workers and teachers that dedicate their lives to saving people that are in need. On the same token, I want to deal with policy and program development in addition to fund-raising and advocacy. Oh, I forgot to mention my 3 person crew and I raised $500 for the battered women's shelter. We had a scratch off game, the number you scratched you had to donate. Moving on, next week I'm going to start researching what programs are obtainable, efficient and effective to bring back to my community.

I really can't blame the NAACP chapter for not providing the assistance that I wanted. Unfortunately, when you get to organizations that "suppose" to have a grassroots efforts, its the same people that are doing all of the work.

I went to the McDonalds near my place and had a chicken ceasar salad. And sat there for about a hour just trying to plan out what comes first. Having the entire debate on focusing on my new business or starting a new non-profit focusing on one of my many passionate social issues or keep on going with my business and assist organizations that are attempting to provide solutions. I think I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing. Let God guide me into the right direction.

I'm heading down to Jerzee tonight to take my Grandma to see Madea Goes To Jail. Tyler Perry plays are entertaining, not a huge fan, but I like the message he gives his audience. Plus, Grams wanted to see it. Shawty B-day is today, we are suppose to go to the Wall tonight, never been there, and he is having something at Lobby tomorrow. Lobby is really starting to become the hot Thursday Night Spot. Surprisingly, I didn't think about being single last night.

Guess what?

I'm definitely Smiling TODAY, lol!

When is it my time

2005-02-22T08:21:00.000-05:00

Friday, I pick up my car from the pound because when they found it, it wasn't insured. My father checked the car out earlier in the week and told me the suits were gone. He forgot to tell me that my head lights were bashed in, the middle part inside the car where the radio and heating dial were stripped and they took out everything that was in the truck including the cover over the spare tire. (they really didn't have to take that, LOL). Well, more money to spend on this car and I tell you after it gets fix I don't want any more car troubles.

Over the weekend I had time to think about a lot of stuff going on in my personal life. Its a little uneasy when I don't have anyone that I want to pursue and vice versa. So, it gives me time to reflect on myself. I have taken a three month hiatus from the gym, I guess after losing 54lbs you get a little lazy. But, I feel the need to get back, it's almost March and brotha wants to look good during Memorial Day Weekend in Miami.

I also thought about the song, "We come this far by faith." I attended my third new discipleship class on Sunday and we talked about our position in Christ. This belief is our faith and confidence that everything will be ok. Apart of that is putting that faith and confidence in oneself. I left the sanctuary Sunday, feeling like a Champ. Today, I unveiled to myself; I need to work on pride issues. The conversation that I needed with Potential was sent via e-mail I implied to him that I didn't want to remain in contact. We really didn't discuss any issues that we had, because quite frankly we didn't have any besides distance. I avoided the confrontation. Unfortunately, I avoid confrontation that I feel will not result in my way. This always leaves me with the thought "what if."

What about your friends? Well, I blogged about this before, most of my close friends aren't in the area. Shawty is my only close friend around my way, but we are complete opposites. Don't get me wrong, I have many many friends/associates, but not the people that we call each other and chill often. Shawty and I chill maybe one a week and most of the time we argue, lol. We did have a good time in Atlantic City Sunday evening. So, I guess I'm just gonna start looking for new people to chill with. Last summer I had a great time with some new friends, but when the McGreevy scandal occurred I stopped contact with almost all of them.

I constantly ask myself, "why this or why that?" I truly feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I ask myself is this normal to have doubt? Am I being selfish for feeling alone when I blessed... when I provide many services to people who are less fortunate than myself? Should I have reservations on myself as I still trust and believe? I write my positive posts and really feel like I'm about to make change, but am I contradicting myself when I start typing post like this? Why am I all together in other sectors in my life, but when it comes to relationship something is always wrong. Am I too emotional/sensitive to be a man?

Aiight, that's enough b^&$*ing. Yes, life brings the unexspected. Yes, I must continue to trust and believe. Yes, things will get better. Yes, Yes, Yes!

When is it my time to be happy?

Are we selling out or selling up?

2005-02-17T04:15:00.000-05:00

I want to talk about blacks in business and politics. I would like to know when more Black people are going to become more involved in our community. We have the tendency of taking over every dang thing. Well, we appear to take over every dang thing. Because quite simply the Man still owns the record company and basketball team. It seems like we are taking steps back with the recent acquisitions of Essence Communication.

Johnson Publishings looks like to be the largest private own Black Business. As Viacom bought BET and AOL bought blackvoices.com and africana.com, this is a trend that's starting to increase. Is it a sell out or a sell up? It is great that Viacom can pay $3 billion for something a black man started. But, I believe its even greater if that black man captivate his community to become more active in political issues, self-awareness and what our people desperately need financial empowerment. Yes, BET has done something for our community, yet now infiltrates like its black own and it runs for the betterment for our community rather than another resource that fills up the Man's mattress.

We have to many black puppets. These puppets exist in our churches, non-profit organizations, business, and most important our elected officials. Now, it’s crazy when this happens with our elected officials because they are our sole representation in our government system. I don't know of any lobbying firms that really address effectively our community concerns. We have the NAACP and the NUL, plus others but most of our issues aren't address. You know why? Because we don't' yell and scream as a WHOLE at the mayor, congressmen or even the dang president about what we want. We don't choose ideal people that represent us. But, most importantly, we don't VOTE.

One thing I have learned is that Money and Influence will get you in the door in politics. Be inclined that just because we have a couple of congressman in office doesn't mean that they can address all of our issues and get positive results for everything. Let me repeat that, just because we have elected official in office doesn't mean that they can address all of our issues and get postitive results. Without the power of the people behind the elected officials they are just a voice that is heard, but not recognize.

Media-alliance.org writes. "I am reminded of the Tulsa, Oklahoma, massacre of 1921, when 35 blocks of the city's Black business district were destroyed by rioting White citizens and officials. The fires wiped out what Booker T. Washington called "the Negro Wall Street." Today, they don't come with flames, they come with dollars, and our leaders walk straight into economic hell and expect us to follow." So true.

*************************************************************

Had a great meeting involving my business. Trying to reestablish some old working relationships as well as tighten up relationships with my mentors. I am looking into having a non-profit component within it. My emotional rollercoaster has been going through it. I'm going out to the Lobby tonight and support the brothers of bleuparty.com. We have to support each other, because if not us who will. Heading down to Atlantic City for the weekend, need a change of scenery. Probably only gamble $20, hopefully I can when a $1,000 on, lol. But, the key thing is that I'm hopeful. With full force I'm going to believe in myself. Because I believe that our community is going to change then I'm have to believe in myself. It starts with me and ends up with you or some dang body. Peace!

And This Too Shall Pass

2005-02-16T12:02:00.000-05:00

Brotha had to vent yesterday. I am laughing really really hard right now. Someone that I spoke about on this blog figured out who I am. It is more funny that he knows Red and forward the blog to him. To my knowledge only one of my friends read my blog rather infrequently. If this occurred last year, smilingdl.blogspot.com would have been shut down with the quickness. Oh well!

LMAO

I'm such a dork. Well, yesterday was a depressing day. Mad at the world when I should be mad at myself. It was about to be the Story of a Mad Black Man, lol. Hmmm, that may be the title of my Think Again 2 essay. Red posted a comment on my Who, What, Why... post yesterday. "Don't try to be in this life. Live your life!," dang he always know what to say right on time. I battle the whole dl thing vs out. Most of the time I THINK I live my life. While other times, when I'm around people who know, I go to through this whole thing like I need to decide whether I'm going to wear my colors on the inside or out. I believe in myself with everything in my life except for this lifestyle, which I believe is the main reason why we have many brothers in the community supposedly on the "dl." This flaw that we have has resulted in the stability to have loving friendships, relationships and the spread of HIV/AIDS.

Patti sings, "Open my eyes so my path is clear. Spread my wings, I'm doing things my way, It's a New Day." May every day be a New Day. It's comical that I go from feeling inferior to being empowered.

I would like to end with ClayStarr commented, "The best is yet to come."

U GOT THAT RIGHT!

You think you know, but you have NO IDEA!

2005-02-15T10:21:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm going to chop off someone's.... Yes, you know it. Aiight, last night, I became sick and tired again. Well, lets talk about Potential. Potential and I had a minor e-mail disagreement last Tuesday. I blogged about the gun shots in front of my building that same day. I really didn't feel like calling anyone that day. This resulted into not speaking until he called on Saturday, asking several times why didn't you call me. I haven't called because of the game. And brothers we tend to do this without even knowing it. Before Tuesday, we spoke several times a day and e-mailed each other over ten times a day from work. Potential doesn't live close by.

Honestly, things were going very well between him and I. As things progress, I started to feel like I needed more. Long distance is a hard thing. I believe it could have last if we started a relationship locally. I presume he may have thought the same thing. We never talked about specifics. I really liked him, and still do. He is someone I know we could have made a great team. We both needed some affection. After he asked me why I didn't call him, he said he would call me back. Never happen. Yesterday, I sent out a mass text saying Happy V-Day. He calls and we spoke for less than a minute, he was heading out. We still haven't had a chance to settle things out.

Today, I find out that he has been pursuing someone. I guess that was kewl, cause I told him before we started talking that I was talking with someone else. Well, let's talk about that for a second.

Middle of last years I was involved with an anchor in the Maryland area. After we split, he told me about this hotmail group called Christian Men on the DL. In December, I sent out an e-mail to the group and describe who I was and that I wanted to meet people in the New York area. A 35 years old black single father who lived less than ten minutes away hits me up. We will call him Desire.

Desire and I have been chatting since December. We finally met in the middle of January. I was very attracted to his whole persona. After we met, he was quite impressed with my maturity for a young brother. I wasn't even thinking about his age, but anyway I was impressed with his understanding attitude. I am a complex person, but somehow someway, Desire understood me like no other. Desire is a member of the church I attend. He respected the things I was involved in, but we only spoke about three times a week. We were taking it slow.... slow.... slow.... cause after all we are just ordinary people.

However, I felt like something was going wrong. Our infrequent conversations changed to big brother talk rather than fliration throughout conversation. So, my best bet was to move on and see what's really good with Potential. But, once again the game is played. Last Monday, Desire and I made arrangements to chill on Sunday. No phone call until yesterday. He calls to wish me Happy Valentine's Day. Then informs me that he is heading to Manhattan for dinner. I don't ask who he is going with, nor why is he telling me this. After small talk about what happen in the passed week, this mot... Not I'm not even going to go there... But this dude says, "Are you still dating someone?" Oh my gosh, I was hurt as well as raging in anger.

I tell this brother, that he is the only one that I have gone out on a date with in 2005. He dismisses what I say and asked me again. He knows that's its over since we haven't talked in a week, but since I'm not with the bull $%^t, do I have to be dating someone else? Well, I tell him thanks for calling and cut him off in mid-sentence and he says, "Oh, your valentine probably has arrived." After hanging up, everything I blogged about yesterday went down the drain. Eyes watered up and my heart just sank. I had to put on Fantasia's "Free Yourself." "If you don't want me then don't talk to me.... Go ahead free yourself."

A couple of hours later, I speak with Potential for 40 seconds. He tells me again, he is going to call back, but NOPE he didn't AGAIN. If Potential lived closer we would have been together. We didn't even have a conversation to end things on a good note. When I found out about him talking to another dude and actually meeting up with him and feelin his stuff, hurt and anger once again came into play. But, like Fantasia sings, "It's all good." On Jadakiss track "We Gonna Make It," he starts off the song with "F*c* the Frail $%^t." But damn, my heart is drained.

I had every intention on pursuing something real with Potential or Desire. Both men are great black men but lack the communication that I wanted/needed. On the real, I'm really, really, extremely heated. At the sametime I want cry, I want to punch someone out. The funny thing is they don’t have an idea that I’m pissed. My spirit is drained. Haven't smiled on this lifestyle in a while. So, instead of smilingonthedl, I'm hopelessonthedl.

Think Again!

2005-02-15T09:17:00.000-05:00

Think Again 2

Published by the New York State Black Gay Network, Institute for Gay Men’s Health (AIDS Project Los Angeles & Gay Men’s Health Crisis); Black AIDS Institute and the National Black Justice Coalition

Co-edited by Frank Leon Roberts and Marvin K. White

Call for Submissions

Submissions are currently being accepted for the second volume of the 2004 LAMBDA Literary Award-nominated anthology Think Again to be published by the New York State Black Gay Network, The Institute of Gay Men’s Health (a collaboration between AIDS Project Los Angeles and Gay Men’s Health Crisis), The Black AIDS Institute and the NBJC (National Black Justice Coalition). The first volume, which featured contributions by a diverse array of writers, critics and artists such as Roderick Ferguson, Lyle Ashton Harris, Tim’m T. West and Vincent Woodard, among others, attempted to re-think the relationship between black men and HIV/AIDS. It is through this "re-thinking" that new truths were told, old lies unearthed and the way forward made clear. A forum for black men to hear and read one another's experiences was born, narratives were connected.
This new volume will speak in even greater volume to and from black men who practice same-sex desire and the intersections of family and social value. In Think Again 2 our personal narratives, poetry and cultural criticism will speak to how black men anchored in various communities of same sex desire, construct, are denied, and (re)imagine notions of kinship and belonging as well as the social value of their lives, practices, and performances in the age of the global AIDS pandemic. Think Again 2 will be a gathering of diasporic black voices, re-locating our (dis)located bodies, minds and spirits to these pages, the family album of our dreams. Think Again 2 will be a landmark conversation about same-sex marriage, the “down low” and black masculinities in the age of AIDS as well as black cultural belonging (church, ‘home’, etc.) to which same sex desiring black men are often systematically excluded.
Submit your stories about family, both your biological and your extended. Tell the story of how you got your name: gay, DL, SGL or Other. Answer the question "Are you family?" Is there/has there been/will there be "value" in identifying as gay or as being "family?" Tell the story of when you changed your name from one to the other. Speak to feeling like "The Other." Speak to constructing virtual and on-line family and how your electronic life is performed and played out. Speak to the exclusion of your life from your family's history. Speak to a literary lineage. Speak to fatherhood, yours and your fathers. Speak to your children, both biological and found. Speak to the media shaped masculinities that you choose from and the "hand-me-down"ness of labels that just might not fit you. Tell your story of aging in or aging out of "the family." Write to love and how your love is re-enforced or torn apart by the places where love is suppose to reside. Write about our lives' worth, our heart's worth, our mind's worth.
Committed to reaching various and broad publics, we especially welcome submissions from those involved in activist and community based organizations; unofficial historians of black gay cultures, those that have "seen and heard it all", public health agencies targeting black men of diverse sexualities and their clients; writers from film, performance, and entertainment industries; ‘queer’ burgeoning and sub-cultures including cultures of hustling, public sex and “ballroom/house/club” and J-Sette cultures; black communities of same-sex desire outside of the U.S., including by not limited to London and Europe, Jamaica and the Caribbean, Africa and ‘Latin’ America; as well as those centered in traditional academic institutions.
The volume will be edited by Frank Leon Roberts, a young scholar, activist and editor of Brownstone Magazine based in New York City and Marvin K. White, former member of Pomo Afro Homos, co-founder of B/Glam, and author of the LAMBDA Literary-Award nominated Last Rights (Redbone Press), based in San Francisco.
All submissions should be single-spaced, copied in the text of the email and sent as an attachment to THINKAGAIN2@GMAIL.COM, and should not exceed 3,000 words. Please include a brief two to three line biographical sketch at the end of your submission. Do not attach jpeg, tif, or mpeg images with your work. Also, while we encourage narratives to be both poetic and critical, please do not send poetry (unless it is incorporated into your essay) or traditional academic essays (large blocked quotes, extensive footnotes, etc).
Submissions will be accepted for consideration until March 18th, 2005.Publication Date: June 2005

Once Lost, But Now Its Found

2005-02-14T14:56:00.000-05:00

MY CAR HAS BEEN FOUND. The police found my car this morning. I'm so happy! So, my car is at the pound. I have to insure and register my car before getting it out. My clothes were gone, but it's all GOOD!

I have been avoiding my father for the past month because I just didn't feel like talking to him. But, he called right after I spoke to the police and offered $600 towards my insurance. This has been a Blessed Day. Brother will be on the rode again by the end of the week.

Brother Creator, Thanks!

John Legend has this song called Rufuge (When It's Outside). This is how I feel right now.

When it’s cold outside
There’s no need to worry cuz I’m so warm inside
You give me peace when the storm’s outside
Cuz we’re in love, I know it’ll be alright
Alright, it’s alright

This is how I do -50cent

2005-02-09T09:14:00.000-05:00

Last Tuesday, a couple of hours after my last post. There was a gang related shooting in front of my building. An innocent man was shot where I stood ten minutes prior talking on my cell phone. There is a police station that is located a block away. I became extremely pissed off. It was a groups of high school students that shot four innocent bystanders within a block from my business in a huge business district.

Gangs seem to have the highest national membership recruitment, stepping on organizations as the NAACP, etc. Probably account for more money, too. There is so much drug related crime going on through numerous parts of the country that is public knowledge. Yet, cops are not in MY EYES taking that BITE out of CRIME. I called a friend of mine who actively works with an anti-violence coalition to see if I could assist them with some lecturing or fund-raising. I don't think his organization is really organized. Our community has soo many non-profits that aren't ran efficiently.

******************************************************************

I began to type this whole thing on my worth as a man and potential lover, business owner, activist, father and son. Right now I'm like F#$% the Bull $&*!. People are people. Men are Men. And Nig.... U know the rest. Since my six day hiatus from blogging, I have learned that compromising is always needed to get things to work, but you shouldn't compromise your self worth for anyone.

My past relationships, I have change myself from the start. Whether it was someone that had a girl, child or no J-O-B. I have envisioned what I want in an ideal mate. And although my bed has been empty for a couple of months now, I will not sacrifice my permanent want from my temporary want. (its hard, real hard, no real real real hard, lol.)

Its Valentine's Day, supposedly the most romantic day of the year. I romance myself tonight with a candle light dinner, sponge bath and some poetry, and if I can get to a florist some flowers, with the hope I can share this day with someone soon. I'm sure your heard the expression "I'm sick and tired of being sick in tired." Right now, I feel like I over came my cold. I'm taking my vitamins and wearing my hat to avoid getting sick.

I spent most of the weekend alone in my apt reading Farrah Gray's new book, Reallionaire. I mention him last week as the black 20 year old self-made millionaire. Truly inspiring! The sermon at service yesterday was about Victory. Pastor spoke about how when we are doing good/great things in our lives, it seems like there are more things trying to stand in your way. In the end, he said we have to fight these negative trials that will make us stronger. Things are going great for me now, I'm still single but my life still moves forward. And as move down that yellow brick road, I have my boxing gloves on ready to fight negativity.

Fighter for Life!

And you better believe I will B^#$& about it on this blog. Peace!

Tha Takeova

2005-02-08T13:51:00.000-05:00

I haven't driven my car since August 2004. My car has been in my mother's drive until two weeks ago, I moved it on the street. In September, my insurance ran out and I was moving into my apartment. I wanted a couple of months to adjust to playing rent and bills. I decided that in February, since my business meetings are starting to pick up, I need my car insured.

This morning my Mother calls me as I leave the house and ask, "Have you moved your car?" I didn't but someone on did. Last night, my car was stolen. If its not one thing, it's another. I was extremely calm because getting excited wasn't going to do anything. After I checked-in at work I went to the police station to file a report. Then I remembered what was in the car. When I lived at home for a year while working full time, I went shopping. I had three $500 suits in the car. Now, I'm kinda pissed, but still calm.

I mention in previous post that I made a seven week commitment to help an organization out. Intentionally, I was supposed to help eight individuals. Three decided not to do it a day before the start date. The second day another three decides not to continue. And yesterday, someone else decides not to do it. This leaves me with one person. I kinda feel emotional drained because I know all eight of them personally and really wanted them to continue.

But, I had a huge breakthrough with one of my businesses. I'm suppose to sign contracts this tonight. Its crazy, I started this post this morning wanted to write about how I felt like the CHAMP (me) is here. But, right now I feel weak and tired, I guess because I'm still sick.

An hour later,

Yo, I'm about to kick some A$$es. I have a couple of new initiatives for the year. The fund-raising is going well for the Battered Women's Shelter. I intend using the money for children books, games, DVDs and a DVD player. Heard a couple of sad stories from some clients today. I almost cried when I found out that a 20 year old Black Single Mother, who is a sophomore at a four year university was living at a local YMCA drug infested facility. I can just imagine her in two more years when she is able to get off of welfare and give her son better life. Strong Black Women Stand Up. I am counting my blessings, my situation could be worst.

Blackvoices.com had a feature on Farrah Gray, 20 year-old millionaire. His story is truly motivational. I'm sure you heard, "its time to take back the streets." Well, its time to TAKEOVA!

WHO, WHAT, WHY, WHERE, WHEN... AND MOST IMPORTANTLY HOW!

2005-02-07T08:57:00.000-05:00

Last week was crazy. Over the weekend, I was going through and emotional rollercoaster.

I wasn't feeling well Friday morning, but I still managed to get to the conference on time. Now, I knew it would be a lot of black men, but I didn't think it would be 85% get down, LOL. I came along way because a year ago I probably would have left right away. It was truly empowering to be in a room with brothers that got down as well. Its something about men being comfortable about who they are that intrigues me. Not to mention the attention that I had when I walked in the lobby. They did not have I sleep with men stickers on, but the dar was off the meter.

I spent the first half of the day by myself, because my friends went to the Brooklyn Museum of Art(I'll talk about that later.) I had lunch by myself. I went to the workshop the Frank Leon Roberts facilitated. He is extremely intelligent and attractive. Brothers, he will do many things for our community.

The conference was great, very informative as well as I picked up a couple of contacts in the non-profit world. An associate of mine, John, was recently elected to the GMAD Board of Directors. I am extremely proud of him. I ask him, "so when are you going to tell your mother?" John is Red's ex and the first dude I ever danced with. Although, John is a year older than me, I always had a strange admiration towards him. Well john informs me that he told his mother two years ago. Its funny because he still acts and lives his life the same. John and I went out for Starbucks before the panel discussion. He told me about all the programs that GMAD is doing and about their financial troubles. My mind was going crazy... I know I have skills to assist GMAD but since I don't want to be out about it, it prevents me.

After an excellent roundtable discussion, as I walked to subway, I began to think. I started to have anxiety. On my way home, I spoke to a couple of people that I thought would understand my problem. After leaving a conference of strong black men that was comfortable about living their life as they choose made me think about how I am living my life. I have ambitions that are political as well as non-profit management. I feel as though I want to make huge strides towards positive change in the urban community throughout the nation. I feel as thought my career will not prosper as an openly get down man. That is the main reason why I try to be discreet. After talking to three friends I came to the conclusion that only time will tell. I need financial security it I were to every consider being out. I feel the black community will not be accepting of someone who is opening about his sexuality on a national level. A brotha that is not just standing up for those that get down, but the homeless, unemployment and the uneducated, etc. A

When I created this blog, I considered myself extremely on the DL. But, as I continue grow I don't even like the word dl. Its very broad and I rather use the word discreet. My discreetness is none of my Family knows nor do my close friends. I don't have a problem with interacting with other men in the life. But, I have a problem with women and str8 men knowing about what my preference. Therefore, I will go to a club or house party, if I feel like it. I don't feel like I'm in the closet. I feel like I don't want people to know about my lifestyle. I began to ask myself why? Why, do I feel I have to be openly out? Am I doing what I want to do? Am I'm willing to sacrifice something in order to join the fight for the Urban (not Get Down) community? As I laid down for the night, I simply asked myself what would be different if I was out. And I couldn't answer my own question. Because although, I live my life discreetly, I still live the way I want. This brings me to the subject on the discreet vs the out (coming soon!).

Next,

I went to the Brooklyn Museum of Art for view the paintings by Kehinde Wiley. ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE! My friend called me on my way to the museum. I told him that I was going to see Wiley's exhibit. He tells me... My bad I type this whole thing out, but that is to personal since I mention his real name. Anyway, this brotha had me at the first painting. Please check this brother out, he is only 28 years old and the critics love him.

This triggered to my impact on society. In my own right, I manage to make impact in my community where I work. But, the scale I foresee myself is much larger. Brother Wiley made me think the time is now. Afterwards tried out the New BBQs in Brooklyn. And headed to an open mic session. Creativity was in the air. Our people are truly talented people.

There is much that I want to do. I know what place I want to be in ten years, but uncertain where I want to be in six months. I love to have things planned. The more I become an adult the more I realize that life brings the unexpected. I'm moving forward on several things to bring me forward in my life, but, still have anxiety problems if its going work or not, which I keep mostly in private. So, little time in the day...

Yesterday, Potential called and told me some good news. He recently completed an assignment. He was extremely happy with the turn out, I was so EXCITED for him. It was one of those moments when you feel overwhelmingly happy and they don't even know it.

I went to church and started my new discipleship class. I was exhausted from Saturday, but manage to give God the praise. I'm having a struggle to putting my entire life in his hands.

ClayStarr recently wrote about being liberated. On Friday, as I walked from the subway stop to the Conference, I felt liberated because I came along way. By interacting, learning and watching the brothers at the conference I was empowered. I didn't care who thought I was in the life. The last item on the program was the panel discussion topic was "Where do we go from here?." This question haunts me since I know what to do but scared to do it.

Black Masculinities Conference

2005-02-03T13:33:00.000-05:00

Today, I was talking to my boy, Red. He informed me that he was attending a Black Masculinities Conference tomorrow with a couple of mutual friends. I immediately went to yahoo.com and searched for Black Masculinities Conference. I looked at the agenda for the one-day conference and was deeply interested in attending the event.

There will be no work tomorrow for ME. As I grow in the life, I desire to learn more about other men that are in my current situation. Whether they are just black, intellectual, spiritual or MSM. I feel as though I can relate and learn from others. Masculinity in the lifestyle is quite an interesting topic, too. Oh did I mention the event is FREE in addition to Black Men everywhere.

I'm going to try to finish Keith Boykin's new book tonight. I still haven't finished it, just procrastinating. I believe this book is very honest. People who do not know about the "dl" or miss educated from the use of the word "DL" will learn a whole lot. I'm hoping for some solutions on what our community needs to do. Keith Boykin will appear at the end for a roundtable discussion.

One of the workshop facilitators is Frank Leon Roberts, youngest member of the National Black Justice Coalition. He had his own website, but its currently down. I admired this young brother for advocating for people like myself (yng blk men who haven't stood up and said that they are MSM). I also have a huge crush on him, LOL.

I'm definitely the type of person who loves to keep abreast about everything that affects me as well as the less fortunate. Tomorrow's conference should be extremely informative as well as a huge networking opportunity with other brothers who care about where we as black men are headed this century.

Oh my bad about my last blog, I had to take that down. And let's not talk about that damn Bush State of the MFing Union address.

If anyone is in the area the Conference takes place tomorrow, Friday, February 4, 2005:
Black Masculinities Conference
CUNY Graduate Center
365 Fifth Avenue at 34th St
New York, NY
To register for the conference please call 212-817-8215 or e-mail continuinged@gc.cuny.edu

It isn't too late to sign-up! I signed up around two hours ago!

Monday, I'll post on the outcome. One more thing, please try to support a black history month event or television program. It is extremely important that we support these programs because if we don't who will. Much love! Peace and Blessings!

2005-02-03T10:01:00.000-05:00

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God, Use Me For REAL!

2005-02-02T09:08:00.000-05:00

Apologies for not posting. I have been sick the last couple of days and the internet is still down at home.

Sunday, I went to church not expecting the unexpected. It was during the church anniversary that the pastor taught about how we Gaze. I'm not going to go into details, but I was feeling the Pastor Sunday Morning. When it came down to the Pastor asking if anyone wanted to I walked down to the altar and joined the church, I was very hesitant. But, I made it, I fought back a lot of tears as the congregation watch me walk into his home. I can't explain how much relief I felt.

Uncertainly has been killing me. I feel hesitant about soo many thing. Afraid to fail. But as Donnies sings, "You can get back up again."

In other news:

My life has been boring. My business plans are going quite well. Haven't been feeling lonely. My potential has been filling up some of that void.